Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Adequate Amounts of Sleep

Something really important came to my attention this morning sometime in or around the point in time that my iPhone’s alarm clock buzzed for the 7th time. It actually could have been the 6th, but I just really lose track after pushing snooze so many times. The (previously mentioned) really important thing that I realized is that: waking up early outright ENRAGES me. And you know what? I don’t think I am the only person with this grievance against the hours from 5-9AM.

Every single morning I set multiple alarms--(part of the fall, no way in H-E-double hockey sticks were alarm clocks in the Garden of Eden)--located in various places throughout my room, because it’s far too easy to just press snooze an infinite number of times if it is sitting right by my bed. The final alarm (which just so happens to be the loudest and most annoying and makes me want to punch a baby) goes off in my bathroom, which is located in the next room. I'm banking on the hope that if I have to walk all the way to the bathroom to put an end to the incessant beeping that I will realize (after taking a glance in the mirror) that: Hell, I am already in the bathroom, might as well shower and do something with the tangled mess on my head that scares even me…not to mention I have to be at _________ in 15 minutes. Obviously I like to wait until the last possible minute to set the final bathroom alarm. Which also explains why I am always late. Do you people even know me? Regardless:

Matt Chandler told me the other morning (via podcast) that nobody in your life will lie to you as much and as convincingly as yourself. And by golly, I think he is on to something there. Here are some reasons why I think that I agree with him.

1.) Literally EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT, I can con artist myself into believing that I want to get up early to go work-out the next morning BEFORE I have to be at work at 8:30AM in Boulder which is half an hour from my house. (Which, SIDE NOTE: according to simple math, would mean that I would need to leave my house at or before 6AM.) Anyways its shocking to me that I can convince myself that tomorrow is the DAY THAT I WILL DO IT! Tomorrow I will wake up at 5:30AM and cook myself a breakfast omelet or something gourmet and hit the road before the sun comes up in order to hop on a treadmill and make myself sweat. (See: delusional) Any moron could see that tomorrow will be just like today, except for myself. And EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING I want to kill that wench Allyson that decided that was a good idea the night before. I loathe her and I wish that she would die for setting an alarm to go off at that ungodly hour. I curse at her before turning over and pulling my blankets up to my nose and drifting peacefully (READ: pissed and bitter) back into dream world. Which brings me to my second reason:

2.) Every morning I consistently struggle with multiple personality disorder. I kid you not. Scene:

*Alarm goes off (4th time).
Ally the responsible: Okay you have to get up, you literally are not going to have time to get ready.

Ally the lazy (the real me): Shut up (SNOOZE)
*Alarm 5.

Responsible: Seriously. Get up. Please. You shouldn’t have stayed up so late watching Criminal Minds.

Lazy: Seriously I am about to punch you in the mouth if you don’t shut your freaking mouth.

Responsible: Okay how about this, you can wait until the next alarm and then you absolutely MUST get up. Deal?

Lazy: Deal, shut up.
*Alarm 6

Responsible: Okay, you know the drill, time to rise and shine!
Lazy: F you.
Responsible: Omg, Allyson, this is ridiculous--get up.
Lazy: No. I hate you.
Responsible: You have to be there in 30 minutes!
Lazy: You know what? I don’t feel that great. I need to call in sick. I need to think of some kind of emergency that would mean I don’t need to be at work anytime in the next 3 hours. My car broke down? No. Who could’ve died? Okay, let’s just go with I am puking and have a fever. Or DIARREHA! No one would question diarrhea. I have to email my boss that I have explosive diarrhea and cannot come in because I cannot leave the bathroom. BRILLIANT. (Roll over)

*Alarm 7,8,9,10

Responsible: You have got to be kidding me. This is not even funny anymore. You are a pathetic low life. Get your lazy *** out of bed.

Lazy: Explosive diarrhea. Remember? Did you not hear me the first time? Shut up.

Responsible: Okay think about this…you can go to work and get paid, and then you can come home after work and take a nap, watch as many episodes of Criminal Minds as you want and sleep for 18 hours. YOU CAN NAP IN A MERE 8 HOURS!!!!

Lazy: Okay, that’s agreeable.

And so the story goes, I am up and late for work (as usual). How my alter ego convinces me every single day that I can nap after work is beyond me. Because do you know how many days per week that I nap? None, that’s how many. I end up twiddling my thumbs and staying up until 2AM watching the Camel laughing video, Justin Bieber interviews, or Sarah Hyland on YouTube. (REPEAT CYCLE T,W,Th,F mornings)

I love myself and I hate myself.

So I have realized that I have a serious heart condition that loves sleep in the mornings when I need to be at work, and disregards sleep at night when I have nothing better to do. God save me. I need redemption. And you know…I have decided that it’s a real problem. I am fairly positive that the bible says something negative about laziness.

So it’s because of this realization of my inadequacy and daily sin that I have decided that I should write a book. Because I believe that if I write a book telling others that 1) nothing is acceptable to plan before 11AM and that you should just expect me to be 15+ minutes late, and that 2) employers everywhere should have only 11-4 work days with Fridays off, and 3) a general synopsis of how to keep from pissing me off--then my multiple personality disorder and general outrage (sin) will surely subside, and the condition of my heart will surely improve.

YAHTZEE.

However, if the book does not prove victorious over my wicked, schizophrenic heart, then I will once again throw my arms up in frustrated surrender and declare that Jesus is the only way…but for now I really want to try the book thing.