Its been 2 months since God called me out of what I thought was the rest of my life. The exodus was violent and painful and my eyes hurt from crying. Everything I had built my post-college life around lived and breathed in Denver, Colorado and I truly wrestled like Israel with the call to leave. Denver was MY dream, MY plan, MY adventure. It was everything I could have ever wanted for myself. And yet, God has called me higher.
Not to be (too) dramatic, but the morning that I departed Colorado for Texas I read a letter from Bethany and layed on the floor of my empty room and then I cried in the shower. I packed my life of adventure into a tiny used car with high mileage, and I drove away from all my plans; my only hope in Jesus. Sometimes God wrings worship from my heart. He wraps his eternally powerful, ultimately creative, nail-scarred hands around my heart and squeezes with appropriate might, as Lauren Chandler would say it. She goes on:
"It is a deep worship. It is an honest worship. It is the worship we sometimes forget. The humble worship of crying out to God in the midst of our pain. No flowery words. No shiny faces. Not in that moment. That will come later. But for now, this is the worship He seeks - an honest plea for Him to save us."
You know, I wish I could tell you that joy has been overflowing after the obedience. Like some kind of magical if/then word problem. What I truly feel though is that God is stripping me down to my core. No mountains. No independence. No real opportunity to sin, and responsibility far more than I am capable of succeeding in. I am seen and known in my weakness and it is not pretty. I am not put together, primped, or good at much of anything outside of the grace of God. The painful work of self examination has left me defeated, depressed, and crying in the shower more than usual. The dark night of the soul finds me sweating as I settle my new life in Dallas, Texas.
And then shockingly, out of nowhere, grace shows up like the first blossom of spring after a long winter. A cool morning. A green place in the midst of concrete. A dinner with Becca. A poolside book. God shows up with mercy and grace. And real, deep JOY. Joy that isn't laughter. Joy that presents itself as deep gratitude for the one who loves me enough to perform surgery on my broken heart. The cut is deep, but the sovereign surgeon is careful and precise as he wounds me in order that I MIGHT TRULY LIVE. The joy presents itself in muted tones, but still, it is there.
Through it all, I feel so loved by the God of the Universe. How gracious and loving is it for him to press me, to mold me, to chisel away the idolatry from my heart. My sin disease is shocking and deep, but Jesus - my sweet Jesus - adores me in a way that he will not allow my little plans to ruin what he has already orchestrated for me and put into motion. He knows and He is enough. He is good and He is gracious. He is worth every tear, every hardship, and every day that I lack the mountains. Jesus is worth it. Eternally, but also now. And worship is sometimes that much sweeter in the dark.
"But THIS I call to mind, and THEREFORE I have hope. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning; GREAT is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him.'" -Lamentations 3:22-24
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Showing Up
"In essence, there is only one thing God asks of us - that we be men and women of prayer, people who live close to God, people for whom God is everything and for whom God is enough. That is the root of peace. We have that peace when the gracious God is all we seek. When we start seeking something besides Him, we lose it. That is his call to us, simply to be people who are content to live close to him and to renew the kind of life in which the closeness is felt and experienced." -B.M.
Tonight as I type, I am wounded and sick, woefully distanced from my first love. I am dizzy, out of breath and exhausted spiritually. Also a little apathetic. I feel far away and disconnected, and this by my own doing. I feel happy, but the kind of giggly happy that has no depth. I spent hours tonight talking with and apologizing to Bethany (which has become pretty standard in our friendship), and hugging her as I realized how far I have strayed this week. Amidst the chaos of my life, it is still amazing to me how fast I can become so fascinatingly out of control. Especially while knowing that God is always the answer and the way to everything that I truly want / need at my deepest soul level.
I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. Everything gets to be too much, and I can't breathe. Waking up tomorrow seems exhausting the way running on a treadmill does, and getting out of bed is difficult enough in the first place. It sometimes gets hard for me to believe that we are all part of some bigger, less punishing and isolated truth. I frequently get caught up in the "what you see is what you get" here and now. I get caught up in the finite and forget the infinite. I catch myself swirling around, drowning in the worries of this world while completely ignorant to the things of God. All too often I end the days just as broken and frustrated and wholly insane as the day before and it gets a little mechanical and traumatizing. Augustine says that "You have to start your relationship with God all over from the beginning, every day. Yesterday's faith does not wait for you. You seek it, and in seeking, you find it." And so I get up in the mornings, clinging to the hope that I have in Jesus.
I honestly do not know why God wont just spritz away our hardships, problems, insecurities and frustrations. I don't know why the most we can hope for on some days is to end up a little less crazy than before, less down on ourselves. I don't know why we have to become so vulnerable before we can connect with God, and even sometimes with ourselves. But with the same token, I don't understand how my room gets so messy within a matter of minutes.
I'm guessing that God's answer would be something along the lines of the idea that the journey is somehow producing in us a desperation and need for Him. I have a friend who is always harping on the importance and beauty of the journey regardless of the end goal, something about how the hike is far better than reaching the top of the mountain. I don't even know if I agree, but maybe somehow the journey is allowing us to see facets of God's character and grace that we wouldn't otherwise get to experience if we were sane all the time. And this idea that I am so magnificently adored despite how ridiculous and immature I always am has the power to cripple me in wonder and praise. Enough that the journey somehow seems worth it all.
So tonight, I did the most radical thing I could think of. I showed up and I prayed. Begrudgingly. I cleared my schedule and spent time with the one who made me and loves me. And to the shock of no one, I, in response, got the peace that I had been searching for in everything else under the sun. When this finally happens for me, my return to the Lord, I am always astonished. It always comes right after I totally give up on myself, and it is there in that glorious defeat that I find the strength to wake up again, drenched in the love and mercy of Jesus. It is then that I realize that my deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done absolutely nothing to earn it or deserve it.
The whole thing is just mind blowing. And awe inspiring. And crazy. Which makes me feel not so out of place.
Tonight as I type, I am wounded and sick, woefully distanced from my first love. I am dizzy, out of breath and exhausted spiritually. Also a little apathetic. I feel far away and disconnected, and this by my own doing. I feel happy, but the kind of giggly happy that has no depth. I spent hours tonight talking with and apologizing to Bethany (which has become pretty standard in our friendship), and hugging her as I realized how far I have strayed this week. Amidst the chaos of my life, it is still amazing to me how fast I can become so fascinatingly out of control. Especially while knowing that God is always the answer and the way to everything that I truly want / need at my deepest soul level.
I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. Everything gets to be too much, and I can't breathe. Waking up tomorrow seems exhausting the way running on a treadmill does, and getting out of bed is difficult enough in the first place. It sometimes gets hard for me to believe that we are all part of some bigger, less punishing and isolated truth. I frequently get caught up in the "what you see is what you get" here and now. I get caught up in the finite and forget the infinite. I catch myself swirling around, drowning in the worries of this world while completely ignorant to the things of God. All too often I end the days just as broken and frustrated and wholly insane as the day before and it gets a little mechanical and traumatizing. Augustine says that "You have to start your relationship with God all over from the beginning, every day. Yesterday's faith does not wait for you. You seek it, and in seeking, you find it." And so I get up in the mornings, clinging to the hope that I have in Jesus.
I honestly do not know why God wont just spritz away our hardships, problems, insecurities and frustrations. I don't know why the most we can hope for on some days is to end up a little less crazy than before, less down on ourselves. I don't know why we have to become so vulnerable before we can connect with God, and even sometimes with ourselves. But with the same token, I don't understand how my room gets so messy within a matter of minutes.
I'm guessing that God's answer would be something along the lines of the idea that the journey is somehow producing in us a desperation and need for Him. I have a friend who is always harping on the importance and beauty of the journey regardless of the end goal, something about how the hike is far better than reaching the top of the mountain. I don't even know if I agree, but maybe somehow the journey is allowing us to see facets of God's character and grace that we wouldn't otherwise get to experience if we were sane all the time. And this idea that I am so magnificently adored despite how ridiculous and immature I always am has the power to cripple me in wonder and praise. Enough that the journey somehow seems worth it all.
So tonight, I did the most radical thing I could think of. I showed up and I prayed. Begrudgingly. I cleared my schedule and spent time with the one who made me and loves me. And to the shock of no one, I, in response, got the peace that I had been searching for in everything else under the sun. When this finally happens for me, my return to the Lord, I am always astonished. It always comes right after I totally give up on myself, and it is there in that glorious defeat that I find the strength to wake up again, drenched in the love and mercy of Jesus. It is then that I realize that my deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done absolutely nothing to earn it or deserve it.
The whole thing is just mind blowing. And awe inspiring. And crazy. Which makes me feel not so out of place.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
"Come to Me"
"Weary, burdened wanderer
There is rest for thee
At the feet of Jesus,
In his love, so free
Listen to His message
Words of life, forever blest
Oh, thou heavy-laden
Come to me, come and rest
There is freedom, taste and see
Hear the call, come to me
Run into His arms of grace
Your burden carried, He will take
Bring Him all thy burdens
All thy guilt and sin
Mercy's door is open
Rise up, and enter in
There is freedom, taste and see
Hear the call, come to me
Run into His arms of grace
Your burden carried, He will take
Jesus, there is waiting
Paitently for thee
Hear Him, gently calling
Come all, come to me
Come oh, come to me
Wont you come?"
- "Come to Me" by The Village Church (feat. Lauren Chandler)
ITS 2013! And today, Jesus bids us to come to him, on a day where so much newness gives us tiny glimpses of hope. Of something better, even if only for a minute. He bids us to join him on a journey towards being transformed by the renewal of our minds. He bids us to focus our thoughts and life on Him. He bids that we give ourselves fully to the adventure of increasing attentiveness of His presence. This year. Today.
I usually stay away from New Years Resolutions because I am the person that gives up on Week 1. And more than anything I hate disappointing myself. Seems like the ultimate low to make lofty goals of grandeur and then fail miserably at them. If I could sum up what I would ahem, resolute, this year..it would be that I in general "suck less." (as my friend Kallyn says.) My flesh screams that I can fix the brokenness in me, the lonliness and the sin nature that keeps me running back to that which will not satisfy. Suck less, Allyson. Pull it together. Eat healthy, work out, dont say cuss words. Rules which I break as often as I keep. My feeble attempts at holiness and goodness fall so very short.
Instead of this game of pass and fail, my prayer this year, for 2013, is like that of Jesus. I pray that I can run to God and not away from him even when I feel completely unworthy of him and essentially useless as a human being. My prayer is that I would experience more of His holy presence and that in seeing more of Him, I would not think of myself as much but that I would have eyes to see and ears to see as He does. That I would practice thinking more highly of God, that I would trust in his sovereignty and goodness and delight in his truth.
Anne Lamott says that "If I were going to begin practicing the presence of God for the first time today, it would help to begin by admitting the three most terrible truths of our existence: that we are so ruined, and so loved, and in charge of so little."
And she is right. We are hopeless outside of Jesus, and this Jesus is unimaginably in love with us, wanting us, bidding us "Come." So instead of me buckling down and trying to be all that I feel I am supposed to be, I pray "help." I have run out of good ideas on how to fix the unfixable, so I have decided to finally stop trying to heal my own sick stressed mind, with my own sick stressed mind.
There is rest for thee
At the feet of Jesus,
In his love, so free
Listen to His message
Words of life, forever blest
Oh, thou heavy-laden
Come to me, come and rest
There is freedom, taste and see
Hear the call, come to me
Run into His arms of grace
Your burden carried, He will take
Bring Him all thy burdens
All thy guilt and sin
Mercy's door is open
Rise up, and enter in
There is freedom, taste and see
Hear the call, come to me
Run into His arms of grace
Your burden carried, He will take
Jesus, there is waiting
Paitently for thee
Hear Him, gently calling
Come all, come to me
Come oh, come to me
Wont you come?"
- "Come to Me" by The Village Church (feat. Lauren Chandler)
ITS 2013! And today, Jesus bids us to come to him, on a day where so much newness gives us tiny glimpses of hope. Of something better, even if only for a minute. He bids us to join him on a journey towards being transformed by the renewal of our minds. He bids us to focus our thoughts and life on Him. He bids that we give ourselves fully to the adventure of increasing attentiveness of His presence. This year. Today.
I usually stay away from New Years Resolutions because I am the person that gives up on Week 1. And more than anything I hate disappointing myself. Seems like the ultimate low to make lofty goals of grandeur and then fail miserably at them. If I could sum up what I would ahem, resolute, this year..it would be that I in general "suck less." (as my friend Kallyn says.) My flesh screams that I can fix the brokenness in me, the lonliness and the sin nature that keeps me running back to that which will not satisfy. Suck less, Allyson. Pull it together. Eat healthy, work out, dont say cuss words. Rules which I break as often as I keep. My feeble attempts at holiness and goodness fall so very short.
Instead of this game of pass and fail, my prayer this year, for 2013, is like that of Jesus. I pray that I can run to God and not away from him even when I feel completely unworthy of him and essentially useless as a human being. My prayer is that I would experience more of His holy presence and that in seeing more of Him, I would not think of myself as much but that I would have eyes to see and ears to see as He does. That I would practice thinking more highly of God, that I would trust in his sovereignty and goodness and delight in his truth.
Anne Lamott says that "If I were going to begin practicing the presence of God for the first time today, it would help to begin by admitting the three most terrible truths of our existence: that we are so ruined, and so loved, and in charge of so little."
And she is right. We are hopeless outside of Jesus, and this Jesus is unimaginably in love with us, wanting us, bidding us "Come." So instead of me buckling down and trying to be all that I feel I am supposed to be, I pray "help." I have run out of good ideas on how to fix the unfixable, so I have decided to finally stop trying to heal my own sick stressed mind, with my own sick stressed mind.
These prayers remind me that I am not in charge, that I cannot fix anything, and that I open myself to being helped by something, or someone. These prayers acknowledge that I am clueless, but that God isn’t. It means I stop trying to figure it out, because trying to figure it out is exhausting and crazy-making.
Lamott says "When we cry out for Help, or whisper it into our chests, we enter the paradox of not going limp and not feeling so hopeless that we can barely walk, and we release ourselves from the absolute craziness of trying to be our own—or other people’s—higher powers. We can be freed from a damaging insistence on forward thrust, from a commitment to running wildly down a convenient path that might actually be taking us deeper into the dark forest. Praying “help”means that we ask that something give us the courage to stop in our tracks, right where we are, and turn our fixation away from the Gordian knot of our problems. We stop the toxic peering and instead turn our eyes to something else."
So welcome 2013, may this year be one of prayer, steadfastness, trust, and and increasing knowledge of the glory of God. May it be a year of love, adventure, hope, wellness, and peace. May my eyes and focus always be set on who God is and not who I am. May his glory result in my joy, and may I serve and honor him in a way that is worthy of who He is. To him be the glory, here, and in the years to come forever and ever amen.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Come, Let us Return to the Lord
“Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces, but he will heal us; he has injured us, but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us that we might live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.” -Hosea 6:1-3
Currently, I am sitting in my beautiful office, with a view of the mountains and the majestic towers of Valor listening to a calming Bon Iver. I live with my 2nd family, I have my dream job, and all thanks and glory to the God who ordained it. This was not my own doing, but as it stands, I am well acquainted with comfort.
And yet…surrounding me and engulfing my mind is sadness, discomfort, and hurt. I ache for those less fortunate than me, and my heart rages against the injustice. Why God? How much longer will you let this go on? This weekend has left me feeling numb…then totally not numb, angry and hopeless. An elementary school? The horror. And yet, so many children all over the world experience trauma just as devastating every day. How can this happen? How have we have gotten so far from Christ? I am shaking my head in disbelief.
I am urged to do something about it; to stop this madness. To scream at God, and tell him that we can’t do this anymore and that he needs to come get us. We can’t do it, IT'S TIME JESUS! I want to cry and tell him to make it all stop. I want out. The pain is insurmountable, and the hurt is unbearable. Hearts are absolutely breaking all over the world. One of my favorite authors says it perfectly: “It’s all I can do. I’ve reached my threshold. I am begging for morning, praying for the dawn. I am truly in a season of Advent, waiting. Jesus, when are you going to come and make all things new? When will you redeem these losses and heal this land? When will children be safe? When are you coming? We are waiting, a groaning earth. We are aliens and strangers, reaching toward the kingdom, gasping. The hope torch is so heavy.
My only answer in the face of all this madness is Jesus. I literally have no other words, no better narrative. I believe Him. Just like He came the first time, in the margins, and the earth received her King, I know He is still here, ruling the world with truth and grace. I know He cares and He sees and He will be found. I know He is the light of the world, even though the night is so dark, so pitch black.”
Despite all of my longing and lofty ideas of how to redeem all of this, I cannot even fix myself…much less the rest of the world. I find myself helpless and broken at the feet of a holy God. I am part of this problem in the first place. I am reminded that, in itself, moral failure is not our biggest problem. Instead, the most hideous problem in the world is a failure to see God for who He really is. We get really messed up when we dont know who God is...and what He thinks of us.
My flesh and the enemy speak out that God must be perpetually displeased and disappointed with my feeble attempts at obedience. And yet, in the bible I find something totally and utterly different. Astoundingly different. GRACE. God’s mercy to sinners is not calculated and careful, it is lavish and outrageous.
It is baffling to me that after years of following this Jesus, who loves me with such persistence that it sometimes makes my head spin, that I can still lose sight of the offer he makes every day, every hour. The gospel that says “it is finished” and “come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” I forget all too often. I forget that the gospel is for Christians; for me. That it was at my worst that Christ died for me. How is that possible? Outrageous grace, unending love; it makes no sense.
Yet, it’s true. It is true in the highest sense. Ephesians says:
“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. BUT BECAUSE OF HIS GREAT LOVE FOR US, GOD, WHO IS RICH IN MERCY, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
God is so frustrating and awe-inspiring. The whole concept is just absolutely ludicrous. Undeserving acceptance, unrequited love, unending mercy and grace. This rails against everything that seems true. Today though, I choose to believe it. Because it is our only hope.
An oh, do I feel the weight of my inability to make my heart completely submissive to Him. This morning, I am pleading with Jesus for a heart that loves Him rightly, claiming the blood of Jesus to cover my constant and overwhelming shortcomings. I feel this holy discontentment for where my life is, and where I want it to be. I want more of Him. More of the joy and peace that he offers. So with my failures and anger and confusion and frustration and tear-filled rage blackouts, I find myself re-reading Hosea 6. “Come let us return to the Lord…”
And so I will.
Currently, I am sitting in my beautiful office, with a view of the mountains and the majestic towers of Valor listening to a calming Bon Iver. I live with my 2nd family, I have my dream job, and all thanks and glory to the God who ordained it. This was not my own doing, but as it stands, I am well acquainted with comfort.
And yet…surrounding me and engulfing my mind is sadness, discomfort, and hurt. I ache for those less fortunate than me, and my heart rages against the injustice. Why God? How much longer will you let this go on? This weekend has left me feeling numb…then totally not numb, angry and hopeless. An elementary school? The horror. And yet, so many children all over the world experience trauma just as devastating every day. How can this happen? How have we have gotten so far from Christ? I am shaking my head in disbelief.
I am urged to do something about it; to stop this madness. To scream at God, and tell him that we can’t do this anymore and that he needs to come get us. We can’t do it, IT'S TIME JESUS! I want to cry and tell him to make it all stop. I want out. The pain is insurmountable, and the hurt is unbearable. Hearts are absolutely breaking all over the world. One of my favorite authors says it perfectly: “It’s all I can do. I’ve reached my threshold. I am begging for morning, praying for the dawn. I am truly in a season of Advent, waiting. Jesus, when are you going to come and make all things new? When will you redeem these losses and heal this land? When will children be safe? When are you coming? We are waiting, a groaning earth. We are aliens and strangers, reaching toward the kingdom, gasping. The hope torch is so heavy.
My only answer in the face of all this madness is Jesus. I literally have no other words, no better narrative. I believe Him. Just like He came the first time, in the margins, and the earth received her King, I know He is still here, ruling the world with truth and grace. I know He cares and He sees and He will be found. I know He is the light of the world, even though the night is so dark, so pitch black.”
Despite all of my longing and lofty ideas of how to redeem all of this, I cannot even fix myself…much less the rest of the world. I find myself helpless and broken at the feet of a holy God. I am part of this problem in the first place. I am reminded that, in itself, moral failure is not our biggest problem. Instead, the most hideous problem in the world is a failure to see God for who He really is. We get really messed up when we dont know who God is...and what He thinks of us.
My flesh and the enemy speak out that God must be perpetually displeased and disappointed with my feeble attempts at obedience. And yet, in the bible I find something totally and utterly different. Astoundingly different. GRACE. God’s mercy to sinners is not calculated and careful, it is lavish and outrageous.
It is baffling to me that after years of following this Jesus, who loves me with such persistence that it sometimes makes my head spin, that I can still lose sight of the offer he makes every day, every hour. The gospel that says “it is finished” and “come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” I forget all too often. I forget that the gospel is for Christians; for me. That it was at my worst that Christ died for me. How is that possible? Outrageous grace, unending love; it makes no sense.
Yet, it’s true. It is true in the highest sense. Ephesians says:
“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. BUT BECAUSE OF HIS GREAT LOVE FOR US, GOD, WHO IS RICH IN MERCY, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
God is so frustrating and awe-inspiring. The whole concept is just absolutely ludicrous. Undeserving acceptance, unrequited love, unending mercy and grace. This rails against everything that seems true. Today though, I choose to believe it. Because it is our only hope.
An oh, do I feel the weight of my inability to make my heart completely submissive to Him. This morning, I am pleading with Jesus for a heart that loves Him rightly, claiming the blood of Jesus to cover my constant and overwhelming shortcomings. I feel this holy discontentment for where my life is, and where I want it to be. I want more of Him. More of the joy and peace that he offers. So with my failures and anger and confusion and frustration and tear-filled rage blackouts, I find myself re-reading Hosea 6. “Come let us return to the Lord…”
And so I will.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Come Ye Sinners
Come ye sinners, poor and needy
Weak and wounded, sick and sore
Jesus ready, stands to save you
Full of pity, love and power
Come ye thirsty, come and welcome
God's free bounty glorify
True belief and true repentance
And every grace that brings you nigh
Come ye weary, heavy laden
Lost and ruined by the fall
If you tarry until you're better
You will never come at all
I will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in his arms
And in the arms of my dear Savior
There are 10,000 charms
Weak and wounded, sick and sore
Jesus ready, stands to save you
Full of pity, love and power
Come ye thirsty, come and welcome
God's free bounty glorify
True belief and true repentance
And every grace that brings you nigh
Come ye weary, heavy laden
Lost and ruined by the fall
If you tarry until you're better
You will never come at all
I will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in his arms
And in the arms of my dear Savior
There are 10,000 charms
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Overwhelmed
Long time no see!
The past month has been essentially a blur for me, as I briefly mentioned in my last post which was about 3 sentences in between the chaos of life. I took a trip to Texas at the end of July to see my lovely family, and to spend some time in the heat playing beach volleyball and getting snowcones with my sibs, and hugging the necks of all the lovely people in the Lone Star State. Also did a lot to regain some Texas twang in my accent. Can't let it go.
There is something beautiful about Texas hidden beneath the sweat and heat and incredible vastness, and it's found in the faces of everyone I love there. I enjoyed a full weekend with Becca, making dinner together and catching up like it seems we always are. I always leave unbelievably encouraged after spending time with her. Cara, my long lost high school buddy, even made a quick appearance to say hello. A quick trip to The Village Church set us home bound with tears in our eyes and full hearts, tender to the unwavering mercy and grace of God the Father.
The next week was spend mostly at the pool or at the sand volleyball courts watching Carson shine at the King of the Beach tournament. I got a lot of sun, and a lot of good quality time with my family that I love so dearly. The whole vacation was capped off with a trip to the lake with frister, Megan Templin, wakeboarding and reminiscing the days when we saw each other more than once a year.
It felt good to be home, and it was a nice transition into the whirlwind of emotions and blessing that the next week would bring.
You should know that I have moved South!! (Closer to Texas, but still in Colorado) I am living with the most amazing, unbelievable family, the Haskins. They have graciously provided me a home here in Colorado, treating me like I am part of their family. And oh, there isn't a better family, aside from my own, that I would want to be a part of. This precious and beautiful family is my new definition of God's magnificent grace. I am blown away at their generosity of welcoming me into their home, and sometimes feel like crying at how lucky I feel to be a part of such a God-centered, grace-drenched household. It is the most evident of the blessings and provision that God has showered down on me this month. I am so unbelievably and undeservedly blessed by them on an hourly basis.
I am working full time and full days at Valor Christian High School. There aren't enough words in the English language to correctly emphasize the miracle that is this "full time job." People, if you know me at all, you know that full time jobs aren't my thing. I tell this to you in COMPLETE HONESTY: I wake up excited to go to work!! That's right, my (usually 12 hour day) job is the best thing ever. I am obsessed with my co-workers, and completely at peace with putting my authority under the leadership at Valor and the men and women who serve on the Board of Directors there. I am blown away at how Christ-centered my work environment is. We spend time in worship and prayer, and had a staff and faculty retreat in the mountains to spend time with our Lord Jesus and to really make authentic relationships with co-workers.
Have I mentioned how much I love the people I work with? I respect them and admire them and they shine so brightly the light of Jesus. It makes me want to dance. And dance, I did. (Last night in front of the entire Senior class.)
On top of everything thus far, I get to work with high school kids. All day. Every day. I get to plan fun events for them, and just hangout with them and talk about Jesus. I get to love on them, laugh with them, cry with them, and be a part of showing them the majesty of the God we serve during some extremely transformative years of their lives. I get to point them towards Jesus. However, I can guarantee, though, that God is transforming me just as much.
Last night we had the Senior Olympiad Lock-in. We had 18 teams of Seniors who competed in Olympic events (spit-put, egg toss, 3 leg races, etc.) We made up skits, and acted them out in front of everyone. We played games, and kicked soccer balls, and set up volleyball nets on the grassy knoll. We ate dinner and roasted s'mores over campfires on campus. We sang worship songs around the fire, and gave honor to the glory of God. We watched movies, and highlight reels, and slept in sleeping bags under the stars. And woke up to the leaders of the school, serving kids pancakes as an act of service. AND IT WAS MY JOB!! UNREAL.
All of this to say, I don't know how to physically take in all the joy that I am experiencing. I am being radiantly lavished upon by Christ, and I don't know what to do besides laugh. And cry. And worship in every way possible. I am overwhelmed, and whatever word is more powerful than that.
I know that it won't always be this way. I know that happiness can be stolen in one instant, but this deeply seeded joy is set deep in my heart and for this season, I am so unrealistically overjoyed to be serving the God that I love in this capacity.
Thank you Jesus, for loving someone so undeserving and lowly as me. Thank you for wanting me despite my consistent and constant failures. Oh God you are so good. Let me life reflect my love and passion for you. All glory and honor and praise to you, my King. Please help me to love others as you have so perfectly loved me.
The past month has been essentially a blur for me, as I briefly mentioned in my last post which was about 3 sentences in between the chaos of life. I took a trip to Texas at the end of July to see my lovely family, and to spend some time in the heat playing beach volleyball and getting snowcones with my sibs, and hugging the necks of all the lovely people in the Lone Star State. Also did a lot to regain some Texas twang in my accent. Can't let it go.
There is something beautiful about Texas hidden beneath the sweat and heat and incredible vastness, and it's found in the faces of everyone I love there. I enjoyed a full weekend with Becca, making dinner together and catching up like it seems we always are. I always leave unbelievably encouraged after spending time with her. Cara, my long lost high school buddy, even made a quick appearance to say hello. A quick trip to The Village Church set us home bound with tears in our eyes and full hearts, tender to the unwavering mercy and grace of God the Father.
The next week was spend mostly at the pool or at the sand volleyball courts watching Carson shine at the King of the Beach tournament. I got a lot of sun, and a lot of good quality time with my family that I love so dearly. The whole vacation was capped off with a trip to the lake with frister, Megan Templin, wakeboarding and reminiscing the days when we saw each other more than once a year.
It felt good to be home, and it was a nice transition into the whirlwind of emotions and blessing that the next week would bring.
You should know that I have moved South!! (Closer to Texas, but still in Colorado) I am living with the most amazing, unbelievable family, the Haskins. They have graciously provided me a home here in Colorado, treating me like I am part of their family. And oh, there isn't a better family, aside from my own, that I would want to be a part of. This precious and beautiful family is my new definition of God's magnificent grace. I am blown away at their generosity of welcoming me into their home, and sometimes feel like crying at how lucky I feel to be a part of such a God-centered, grace-drenched household. It is the most evident of the blessings and provision that God has showered down on me this month. I am so unbelievably and undeservedly blessed by them on an hourly basis.
I am working full time and full days at Valor Christian High School. There aren't enough words in the English language to correctly emphasize the miracle that is this "full time job." People, if you know me at all, you know that full time jobs aren't my thing. I tell this to you in COMPLETE HONESTY: I wake up excited to go to work!! That's right, my (usually 12 hour day) job is the best thing ever. I am obsessed with my co-workers, and completely at peace with putting my authority under the leadership at Valor and the men and women who serve on the Board of Directors there. I am blown away at how Christ-centered my work environment is. We spend time in worship and prayer, and had a staff and faculty retreat in the mountains to spend time with our Lord Jesus and to really make authentic relationships with co-workers.
Have I mentioned how much I love the people I work with? I respect them and admire them and they shine so brightly the light of Jesus. It makes me want to dance. And dance, I did. (Last night in front of the entire Senior class.)
On top of everything thus far, I get to work with high school kids. All day. Every day. I get to plan fun events for them, and just hangout with them and talk about Jesus. I get to love on them, laugh with them, cry with them, and be a part of showing them the majesty of the God we serve during some extremely transformative years of their lives. I get to point them towards Jesus. However, I can guarantee, though, that God is transforming me just as much.
Last night we had the Senior Olympiad Lock-in. We had 18 teams of Seniors who competed in Olympic events (spit-put, egg toss, 3 leg races, etc.) We made up skits, and acted them out in front of everyone. We played games, and kicked soccer balls, and set up volleyball nets on the grassy knoll. We ate dinner and roasted s'mores over campfires on campus. We sang worship songs around the fire, and gave honor to the glory of God. We watched movies, and highlight reels, and slept in sleeping bags under the stars. And woke up to the leaders of the school, serving kids pancakes as an act of service. AND IT WAS MY JOB!! UNREAL.
All of this to say, I don't know how to physically take in all the joy that I am experiencing. I am being radiantly lavished upon by Christ, and I don't know what to do besides laugh. And cry. And worship in every way possible. I am overwhelmed, and whatever word is more powerful than that.
I know that it won't always be this way. I know that happiness can be stolen in one instant, but this deeply seeded joy is set deep in my heart and for this season, I am so unrealistically overjoyed to be serving the God that I love in this capacity.
Thank you Jesus, for loving someone so undeserving and lowly as me. Thank you for wanting me despite my consistent and constant failures. Oh God you are so good. Let me life reflect my love and passion for you. All glory and honor and praise to you, my King. Please help me to love others as you have so perfectly loved me.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
The Newness of Life and Joy
Sorry about the lack of blogs! (mom) I have been away for a variety of reasons which are led by these two:
1. My computer broke. AWESOME! So I am completely computerless. And as fun as blogging on my iphone sounds....it doesnt.
2. I started my brand new full time job which I ADORE. I have literally never been happier in my entire life. I am obsessed with my co-workers and blown away by my bosses. It is the most amazing gig in the world, and I do not have enough descriptive words over here to even possibly start to explain it.
The only summary is: God is good. ALL THE TIME. He is raining down undeserved blessings on me and I am just swimming in joy. Drowning in it. More details later! Give someone a hug for me!! Life is unfathomably good!
1. My computer broke. AWESOME! So I am completely computerless. And as fun as blogging on my iphone sounds....it doesnt.
2. I started my brand new full time job which I ADORE. I have literally never been happier in my entire life. I am obsessed with my co-workers and blown away by my bosses. It is the most amazing gig in the world, and I do not have enough descriptive words over here to even possibly start to explain it.
The only summary is: God is good. ALL THE TIME. He is raining down undeserved blessings on me and I am just swimming in joy. Drowning in it. More details later! Give someone a hug for me!! Life is unfathomably good!
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