This Father Heart of God week has been a week like no other. God has spoken so loudly and moved so clearly here. I think its mostly because I am really listening. We have so much time set aside for quiet times, prayer, meditation, confession, study, silence and solitude, and gospel community. It only seems logical that when following the spiritual disciplines we feel closer to God.
This morning started a day that I will not soon forget. One of the most awesome revelations of the Lord’s presence. We were asked to meet earlier than usual, at 8AM in the worship center. Jeff did a quick talk, leaving us with three questions to meditate on in silence during our hour long quiet time. We were asked to hash things out with God asking Him to reveal the answers to each question as they pertained to our personal lives. These questions were:
1. What sins/strongholds am I allowing to exist in my life that is robbing me of Gods love and true freedom?So as I made my way to my favorite place for quiet times, (the place outside where I can see both the lake and the mountains) I began to seek the Lords answers to these questions in my life. I started just by praying that he would reveal His answers to me, and then I just started typing everything that came to my mind. It was really interesting to see the things that God opened my eyes to. The “bricks” in the wall that I had put up against God in order that I might not get hurt were starting to be exposed. Among many usual things, pride and unbelief surfaced, and most importantly--spiritual adultery. I love things on this earth more, or as much as I love God. Not okay. He quietly walked me through the events of my life, triggering emotions at the things and situations that still needed His healing. We learned on Tuesday that healing is the absence of pain, not the absence of memory. It shocked me which events still pulled a trigger in my heart, it wasn’t the ones I would have expected. After the hour, I read over what I had written and learned a lot about myself that I didn’t know before. It was so weird…and so awesome.
2. Do I have any hurts and wounds in my life that need the healing of the Father?
3. Is there an area in my life that I need to expose and confess? (We were taught yesterday that the first step to healing is to expose and confess our sins, both to Christ and to others for accountability. It was powerful.)
Let me interject by saying that there is only one thing that I told God I would not give up when starting YWAM. We had a day last week where we filled out a confession card, promising that we would hand everything over to the Lord, and I just quietly slipped the card into my bible, knowing that signing it would be a lie. Earlier in the week when I began to feel a tug on my heart to let go, I basically faced God stubbornly and said that if he wanted me to give up the one thing I held more valuable than Him, that he was going to need to tell me point blank. None of this, ‘here is a thought’ crap because I can easily rationalize that into something from my flesh. I wrote all these commands I wanted God to fulfill in my journal. How naïve of me. It seems like an easy decision…choosing God or sin, but in my head it is not easy. My thoughts are constantly at war as to what I was supposed to do. And where God would whisper, Satan would shout. I believed the enemy’s lie for far too long. Anyways this morning, out of no where, all of these feelings of bitterness and abandonment surfaced. I told God that I felt alone, and that it wasn’t fair that he couldn’t hold me physically like the Father He says He is. I needed physical touch. I told God it was too hard to rely on His love from words alone. Well, God heard me.
We met back in the worship center, and had a time of confession when we were able to share with a group what God had put on our hearts. Things that hold us in captivity, strongholds in our lives, sins we are holding on to. We were just able to spill onto an open and loving canvas what God was doing in our hearts out loud as we verbally processed through it. It was like Tearfest 2010. Everyone was so honest and so broken. After that we were asked to pray for one another and here is where God decided to show up and rock my world.
Just to let you know, I listened to a Matt Chandler sermon this morning on my walk, my new favorite called “Three Streams.” Things that he had said, verses he had referenced were all spoken again during this time which was the first evidence that God was there and had something to say. Anyways, as I confessed my sin out loud to the Lord in my own little corner, our speaker Jeff, came over to me (of all people) and said: “I don’t know why, but I feel like there is one thing that you are not giving up. Your dependency on that thing is robbing you of a real intimate relationship with God. I think that you need to say out loud the one thing that you are refusing to say right now.” WOAH. Punch me in the stomach why don’t you? I hadn’t even mentioned anything about that, other than writing those words in my journal not even a week ago. He said, “Hold out your hand Ally. Open it up. Can you hand over to God what you are holding so tightly in your clinched fist, because He told me it is breaking your back.” I wept. He was right, and God was there. Embarrased, I spoke aloud the sins that were choking the life out of me.
He then asked me if he could pray for me, and randomly enough opened his arms and said “Come here.” He cradled me in his arms, like a father, and spoke wisdom into my life about how Jesus loved me. He told me how God was so proud of me for surrendering my heart to Him, and how God had been yearning for my whole heart for a long time. That he was broken for me when I was hurting. He told me that God was different than all the people in my life that had let me down or abandoned me. He held me for a good 5 minutes which is a long time for a random man to be hugging you, holding you, praying for you. But I have never felt more loved. I have never felt love like that from a man. It was not creepy, God was loving me through him, I am sure of it…because Jeff Pratt basically only knows my name, and the few things I have shared with him. But he had tears too. His prayers for me sounded like begging. I think God genuinely put a fatherly broken heart in him for me for those 5 minutes. I just melted, crushed and crying, into the loving arms of a Father. It was beautiful. And three of my friends were all sitting around me, crying too and praying over me. They love me so well after only 10 days. I am so blessed.
Anyways, after Jeff finished praying for me, he cupped my face one more time assuring me that it was going to take time and that it wouldn’t be a quick fix, but to CLAIM truth over the lies in my head. I nodded tearfully and fell into sweet Sarah’s embrace who was equipped with encouraging verses from the bible.
I don’t know how to explain the peace I felt after this. My body ached from exhaustion, and if anybody knows me, they know I HATE crying in public. Or just in general. But I felt light. I felt like the world had been lifted off of my shoulders. For the first time in a long time, I FELT the love of God. And I know this journey towards healing will not be an easy one, but I KNOW it will be worth it.
God has continued throughout the rest of the day to affirm me of my decision. I feel like I can really rest, in a season where I have experienced none of that. I have been so exhausted lately and mostly because I have been wrestling in the spiritual realm. Constantly warring thoughts of flesh versus thoughts of spirit.
Today, it is rainy and not sunny. It is cold. It is not a perfect day. Things are still hard, and things still hurt. I will still feel lonely from time to time. I will still struggle through my sin. But today I KNOW that there is a way of escape. Today I got a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. And it was so worth it. God is so good, and even when He seems so distant, in reality, He is right behind you, just waiting for you to get over yourself and turn around. For me, it took another person verbally telling me to turn around. Maybe it wont be so hard for you? Maybe just listen to His voice and turn around on your own. That’d prolly require less tears from you.
Tonight Becks is here, in Denver. What perfect timing! I am beyond words excited. I cannot wait to tell her about the freedom I have felt today, because I know she will rejoice with me. She knows this glimpse of freedom from captivity, and I cannot wait for the hug from her and cant wait to laugh together. I am so ready to feel comfortable with someone who REALLY knows me and gets me. I cant wait for her blunt remarks, and her sassy sense of humor. I cannot wait to see one of my best friends who has known me at my best and has known me at my worst, and has loved me despite it all. 2 hours and counting!
Know today that the God we serve is so good. SO SO VERY GOOD. And he LOVES US, and he is NEAR.
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