Emotional Rollercoaster: The TITAN

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster much like the physical experience of riding the TITAN at Six Flags over Texas. I tried so hard to insert the video of me and Meg on the Titan, and failed. To explain…just the course of today has provided loops, hills, and drops. I find it very unnerving that my emotions can go from such one extreme to another so fast. I also know that there are some reasons concerning my “girlhood” that could be contributing to this occurrence.

BUCKLING UP/UPWARD TICKING MOVEMENT: This morning I woke up a little late, just in time to get some breakfast before they cleaned up…waking up late always throws me a little off. Its just so dang cozy in my sleeping bag and, so dang cold outside of it. So I was already uncomfortable, much like putting that stupid harness on at the beginning of the ride. Anyways, I fled to breakfast to grab something quick and started my quiet time. Currently I am reading through the book of Isaiah, which is challenging and rewarding at the same time. I always feel rushed in my hour-long quiet time, which is saying a lot for how much I thirst for words from God. I just feel so peaceful when it is just me and Him and the mountains. My view: (seriously Kristin took this picture yesterday morning)

I feel like that is the time when I am most myself. Could be because that is how God created me. Living in constant community does have one downfall: the constant yearning for time alone. The older I get, the more I crave time by myself. 15 year old Ally would punch me in the mouth if she heard me say that, she would prolly call the current 22 year old Ally lame. Anyways this is the time I would consider an upward ticking motion, slowly making my way up hill.

We had our final lesson on Relationships, and to be honest I am glad this week is over. A lot of the teaching was things I had heard before, and considering I am no where close to starting a relationship with a boy, I felt like it was all pocket knowledge…things to be stored in my mental capacity and pulled out later when applicable. Don’t get me wrong. I needed to hear these things for future reference.

HIGH/MOUNTAIN TOP: After the lesson this morning we split up into groups, either all boys or all girls…you know, to talk about the things you don’t want to address in mixed company. Like….cooties for example. Quickly the time became more of a confession of individual struggles. I was quiet. I gladly gave my input of advice, but genuinely couldn’t think of anything that I was majorly struggling with. I felt happy. I really thanked God for putting me on this temporary mountain-top. I was filled with gratitude from where he has brought me. I made the mistake yesterday of reading my journal from the past few months when I was really hurting, which could have been bad for me emotionally (eh Becks?), but at this moment I was just so thankful that God had been faithful to see me through the heartache and desperation that February-June brought with it.

ROUNDY-ROUNDY BLACKOUT PART: (Like on the Titan when you almost pass out, Megan you know exactly what I am talking about.) After that I was in a zone of my own. I was literally sitting at a lunch table with 10 people, but it was just me. I was spaced out majorly, just in deep thought. Erin asked me if I was okay because everyone who knows me knows that I wear my emotions on my face, and I quickly responded with yes, because truthfully I was fine…but I realized at that point, 30 minutes into lunch, that there were other people at my table. These people had been having a conversation that I was totally oblivious to, and apparently I wasn’t answering their questions. Black out.

DROP-OFF: At this point, I let my guard down and Satan came running. I just realized that I really felt alone. No, Satan told me I was alone, and I failed to capture and challenge that thought with truth. I had been quiet all morning, due to feeling good about the place I was in, but I also realized again that I have so much trouble letting my guard down with people. I would so much rather pull out my handy dandy advice booklet than spill my innermost thoughts on the table with strangers. “Strangers” was a harsh word, seeing that I have lived with these people for a month now, but still I do not feel totally comfortable getting uber honest. Anyways I just felt alone, and I wanted to be that way. I wanted to go running, get away, go out in nature on my own and just deal with myself. I laughed out loud slash cringed when I realized this, because I so often try and tell other people that they cant do life on their own. Gospel community is so important. Dang it.

LOOP: During our time of reflection, which we get the privilege of having every Thursday, the first song that came on my iPod was “Meteor Shower” by Owl City. It’s the song they played at every session of Passion 2010 back in January. Next came “We know where the Spirit of the Lord is.” I mean cripes. I got really sad then, teared up even. Passion was the best time of my life. I would easily say that Passion week was Top 5 favorite times ever. All kidding aside. I was with my best friends, and completely content. I had my sister on hand, and I stayed up until 4am every night just talking about God and how great and big He was. I felt comfortable, and I remember distinctly feeling loved. I realized at this point how much I really miss my sister. And I really miss my friends so so much. And while the truth of the matter is: I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now, the emotions and feelings still remain that I MISS my friends.

HALTY BREAKS: You know the time when the rollercoaster comes to a tragic halt, kind of slinging you forward in your seat only to bang your collar bones on the safety harness? That’s where I am now. God brought me to a painful halt. A tragic realization that I have nothing to complain about, and maybe I should take some of the advice that I dished out this morning and apply it to myself. Maybe I need to sit back and remember how lucky I am to be where I am. Maybe I need to recall the time I spent this morning praising God’s name for bringing me out of the miry pit.

All of this leads me to my conclusion: My emotions are not dependable. They actually suck. My feelings keep me constantly guessing. So I am choosing today not to stand on emotion, and instead stand on truth. This is the truth that I know today: God loves me. God wants me to be happy in Him, and He has done SO much to bless my life. Not only does he love me, but he KNOWS me in and out. He knew I would be messy, an emotional rollercoaster, and so extremely prone to wander. That was the whole point of the cross, that I am going to fail and stumble and feel unworthy. The cross is this mighty picture of His love and pursuit of me DESPITE me. This idea creates gratitude, and an overwhelming amount of peace that transcends whatever the devil can throw at me today.

So in response, I am saying “Bring it on Satan. Sign me up for every emotional rollercoaster you have in store for me, because the truth of the matter is: no loop, no drop-off, and no hilltop experience can rob me of the truth that GOD KNOWS AND LOVES ME, and HE IS FOR ME. God is closer than my thoughts and promises to NEVER leave or abandon me. This remains true even when I feel completely alone.”

And just one more thing on a lighter note: Altitude makes you toot. A lot. I don’t know the logic behind this, but someone has got some serious raunchy stink. We are all investigating the matter and by the end of our time at Eagle Rock, we will discover the culprit. Who knows, it might be me?

**INSERT: Megan Templin just sent me the email of all emails, had me in tears laughing, and totally made my day. I mean absolutely MADE my day. The title of the email was "It's hot as balls down here" and that is about the time that I knew it was going to be good. Meg, I know you are reading this because lets face it, you and my mom and maybe Monica Rex are the only avid blog followers that I have and I just want you to know that you ABSOLUTELY 100% MADE MY DAY. Thank you so much for that tid bit. Chocolate is the worst name I have ever heard, and I just kept thinking about how we leaked like 200 gallons of diesel onto the grass at your house in the same rendevous as making you into a smurf via 4-wheeler. I MISS YOU. I highly anticipate the day when I can speak to you telephonically again. And I will help you pay for your plane ticket to Denver if it means you will come visit me. LITERALLY. Ill start scrounging up some funds. And Monica, if you are reading this: I MISS YOU. We must skype when I get back to civilization, which will be in 8 days or something. I hope Kamp was the best time of your life. Write me an email and tell me everything: Allypoo11@aol.com. LOVE YOU.