Passion

Well I am twenty-two years old. And that’s a little too close to twenty-three for comfort, assuming only one month separates me from the looming addition of another year of age. That’s right, in exactly one month I will celebrate another anniversary of being free from the confines of my mother’s womb. In all honesty I do not mind turning 23 because getting older indicates freedom in my eyes. Not to mention the alternative to getting older is being dead. So I am not complaining. Plus, I mean the pros far outweigh the cons…like now I get to do whatever the H-E-double hockey sticks I want to do whenever I want to do it. And I can stay up as late as I want and I don’t have a curfew (although recently I have been going to bed around 10pm on a daily basis). However I think a lot of people my age at some point have a mini panic attack trying to answer this question: WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

So lately, in order to distract myself, I have been watching a lot of TV shows and reading a lot of books which just echo the same ideas—that I am created for more than some lame life of trying to make more money and find “the one” only to find 10 years down the road that I picked the wrong “one”. A book I read recently asked me kindly to write down the things I am passionate about. It asked me what was it that made me feel alive? What really made me happy? It asked me to write down the things that made me feel like I was created to be more then flesh and bones.

I started to answer these questions with typical Christianese answers like “helping people” or “feeding the hungry” or “showing love to children”…but there is a point in time that you have to be straight with yourself and I could go the rest of my life without another kid drooling on me. (Except Nadia Gray because I love that child like my own. Zoe too.) But other than these, I am not much of an infant child person. I much prefer them after the age of 7. Becca thinks I am weird. I think she is weird for using weird googly voices when talking to people under the age of 10. Can they not understand what we are saying in a normal tone? Must we have to talk like we are overly excited cheerleaders making sounds that they are used to like goo goo and gah gah? Is this they only way that children comprehend? Is this why they never obey me? I digress.

Anyways so I was thinking about what it is that truly makes me feel alive. And that question kind of overwhelms me….but here are the things that came to mind:

1. Performing. (Disclaimer: this does NOT mean I want to be an actress. Or a stage actor.) Cripes does this means I have to move to Hollywood/LA? I don’t really want to be sucked into the world of fame and end up in rehab. I have enough reasons to go to rehab without cameras in my bathroom. But I can’t lie--when I am performing I feel alive. I feel like God loves me when I am in front of a crowd. I love playing sports, being on stage, doing dances that I am only mediocre at but always get in the front because of my BALLER facial expressions (thanks 8th grade cheerleading), or speaking, telling jokes, etc. Anything with an audience that appreciates whatever it is I am doing. Must I be passionate about the one thing that I can probably never do for a living?? But you know what, this is America dangit and a girl can dream. Go big or go to Canada. *I fear that the desire for affirmation might be the root of this passion, but it is passion nonetheless.

2. Traveling. I can get some kind of giddy about airports. I love the adventure of them. Sometimes I show up late purposely just to see if I can make it to the plane. Sometimes I run through the airport for no reason at all, except for the adrenaline of the thrill. I love looking out the window on a plane wondering where the tiny cars are going. Anyways I haven’t had enough opportunities to travel the world as there is still an exceptionally long list of places that I still want to go. All I need is a travel buddy and I would leave today. Also there is the issue of financing it.

3. The Lord Jesus Christ. This one should be first but I thought you might stop reading in fear that I was still answering these questions dishonestly, but if that thought ran through your head--t I am going to assume that you have never read the book of John. This fall when I was living overseas I read the gospels a few times. I just studied Jesus and contrary to how I had viewed him for most of my life, Jesus is freakin’ cool. I mean he is not like the bipolar sometimes lovey dovey sometimes wrathful crazed psycho that I sometimes think he is. Jesus and I would have been friends I think because he was sarcastic, but he backed everything he did up with love. I think he sounds like one of those people that when you are around them, they make you feel like you are the most special person in the world. Kind of like Rita O’Connor. One of those people who when you are talking they act like what you are saying is the most interesting thing that they have heard thus far in their lives even if you are talking about toe jam. But then there were times when Jesus was knockin’ over tables in the temple and screaming at Pharisees. I think I could have gotten in on that party and maybe kicked one of them in the shins and screamed, “YOU KNOW WHY” like in that movie ‘What Happens in Vegas’. I think me and Jesus would high five a lot and that he would always laugh at my jokes. The good news is that He is coming back, and SOON. I mean there are definite signs of the Lord's impending return. For example, it's hot as fire outside….even in Colorado. Even at 7pm. I think Jesus is giving some people one last opportunity to realize that they do not want to spend eternity in hell. Repent now, it's hot! ….Like I said. He is funny.

In conclusion, my life plans have always been up in the air. At a very young age I wanted to be an Indian, because of my Cherokee heritage. I realized quickly that that was strong no-go for me assuming that isn’t a real profession (WHO KNEW?) so I dropped that one and moved on to dreaming of being a professional athlete or coach, but dropped that one when I realized I'd have to likely get a bowl haircut and invest in way more track (wind) suits than I wanted to. So, I was left as a senior in high school not knowing what to do with my life. I decided about, eh, March that I would just become Kirsten Cohen off of The OC and so I majored in architecture, which quickly became the worst decision I have ever made. (Its no wonder Kirsten becomes a lunatic alcoholic in Season 3. I don’t blame her.) So now I do marketing and PR at an architecture firm (just like Kirsten Cohen) and I actually like it. But before risking becoming an alcoholic I am hoping to become a traveling entertainer for Christ and really live up to my full potential using the passions God has graced me with.

Would have been easier if he would have just made me passionate about building buildings or cutting grass. Those things seem attainable. But no. Traveling performer it is. Yet another example of God’s good humor. I plan on bringing napkins wherever I go so as to be able to whip up the bridge diagram upon request.