Humor Helps

So I am sitting at Panera Bread and I was fortunate enough to get a booth, which automatically forced a sigh of relief because it’s been a long day, and tables with chairs are far inferior to booths. Everyone knows this. In fact, if you were to choose a table over a booth when both were available, I would have a hard time trusting any other future decision that you made in life.

Anyways I told Megan that I was having trouble posting a deep blog, which is weird because that’s all I used to post. I really more enjoy writing the funny ones these days (mostly for reasons that are not as holy as I’d wish) as I am absolutely brilliant about hiding behind humor. And I like to think I am getting funnier judging by a really good joke that I made tonight during the Bachelor with James and Tom. They repaid me by covering my car in gummy bears. Touche, my friends.

I digress.

Things have been pretty intense lately, and seeing that the three people who read this blog are very close to me, I assume you already know the trauma going on in my life. Which thankfully saves me from having to spill it on the WWW. I’d like to say thanks to you people who always seem to pull me through. Thanks for planning trips to see me and being willing to drive to Colorado if/when I need you to tell me I am not crazy. I hope you all know I would make a Texas road trip before you could snap your fingers, if need be. I might do that even if you don’t need me.

Once again though, I am in awe of the resources and tools that the Lord uses to pull me through hard times. I don’t want to repeat the same things that I have said in this blog over and over again, but I can’t say enough how utterly speechlessly grateful I am for my core group of (mostly little) soul mates who make me feel loved when I am at my absolute worst. I’mtearing up typing this. Okay, I’m not, but I could be.

This weekend goes down in the books for emotional. I swear to you, I can go from thinking I am worthy of kingdoms to making myself cry like the elementary school bully by the swing set on the playground. If you didn’t know, my inner dialogue only runs at two speeds: extreme flattery or extreme criticism. Make that 3 speeds, the third being extreme sympathy for myself. #3 was the most prominent this weekend. So, in response, my littlest sister (who was also a little off her rails) and I once again banded together for sanity and Lord knows she is my rock. Brittney (SHOUT OUT) after a vent/rant/rage is the person who tells me to watch Ellen DeGeneres when I can’t pull my crap together and warns me of the effects of watching Criminal Minds when I am in a fragile state. And we all know how high her percent rate is of being right. FACT: Humor heals.

INSERT SIDE NOTE: I believe that strong emotions are backed by strong language. At least in my life. And therefore I justify my choice words that were used in the conversation with my littlest sister. I know, I know: if Christians say cuss words birds supposedly fall out of the sky, but I would like to challenge that with the fact that I am 100% sure that because most of Jesus’ disciples were fisherman (READ: sailors) that they had potty mouths. (Hence the popular phrase: curse like a sailor) And these were the dudes Jesus hung with 24/7. Seems to me that he didn’t really appreciate all the flattery from the Pharisees with their ‘holier than thou’ mouths, eh? And I refuse to use alternate curse words like dang and stink when I am in an all out, rage. I am sorry but if you curse by saying “Piddle Paddle!” like my 80 year old grandmother, or scream “OH Stink!” when there is a terrorist attack at your school, and you are organizing the football team to fight them off, then you just sound like Ned Flanders. Also please note that people will most likely be more pissed at your substitution cuss word than if you just go ahead and use the real thing. I mean…everyone is in a panic in this scenario. Let’s just shoot each other straight here. And so, in my defense, I am just following in the steps of the disciples. (Cue: extreme flattery)

Back to all seriousness, I couldn’t ask for more support once again from my tiny friends, B&M. Brutal honesty mixed with constant compassion makes them an unstoppable duo. Thanks always, you two. God knows where I would be without your constant love and support, and your ability to laugh with me instead of Jesus juke me, (Christian version of Debbie Downer) and accuse me of being unholy for sharing my junk or tell me that “all things happen for a reason”. (Disclaimer: I think Jesus should be talked about all the time, that our conversations should be saturated with Him, but to clarify—there is a time and place to throw the “all things happen for a reason” card.)

I wish I could understand how I stumbled into accountability like the kind I know. When I am dirty, brokenhearted, downcast, and hopeless I have people around me (farther away than I’d like) to pick me up and tell me things are going to be okay, all while lacing some strategic affirmation in there knowing that my insecure heart needs all the help it can get. They know that I just need them to vocally tell me I am awesome, even though some of them feel more loved by me if I mop their floor. Love languages (aside from words of affirmation) are a modern day mystery, I tell you. Anyways I wish I could wrap my mind around the God who deemed me worthy of being loved so well. I am so unworthy by all other standards. All I can offer is my full heart filled with love for each of you little life-savers. (or in Meg’s case—jolly rancher)

I am going to be honest with you, blog world, because to my knowledge you have never lied to me. Except for that one time that you told me I could not change the email address linked to this blog. But all is forgiven and I have decided to be the bigger person in that circumstance.

So, in brutal honesty, I don’t know how the God of the Universe accepts me back every time I run and hide. I constantly walk away, get distracted, and forsake my first love. Constantly fall short. And I just want to say, since I know that JC (SHOUT OUT) reads my blog before it ever gets posted, that I am so sorry for not loving You in the radical manner that You are worthy of. Please know that my wicked heart loves You in every way that I know possible. I think You are the greatest. I think You are the most awesome man who ever lived, and I want You to know that I desperately want to love You more than I do. I long for the day that I can just hang-out with You and drink cherry limeades as I know those will be in heaven, and I am stoked to worship the God that You are for eternity. And I just want to say that you must be some kind of wonderful to love someone like me so persistently. PS. Anytime you’d like to head it on back to earth and rapture us up, equipped with sword from mouth and tattoo on thigh, I highly support that day coming sooner than later. Things are crazy down here.

Anyways I think God is a lot bigger than I make him out to be.

Among my other musings, I also think that I hate change and do not handle it well regardless of if this change is good or bad. Lorrie told me tonight that anytime that there is a big change in our life, our brain automatically registers it as a loss. Regardless if we are upgrading to a better life, we still are wired to over sensationalize what we have lost. While I am happy beyond description here in the fabulous CO, and blessed beyond measure, I all too often mourn over the things, friends, relationships that I have lost. And when that pain comes, it’s like a stinging pain in the gut, a swift dagger to the soul who’s grip can sometimes take my breath away. Do you people
know this feeling? I pray you don’t, but I know too many people who do.

Anyways there is really not a good concluding point to this post except that life is hard sometimes, and God is always good.

And that really happy people can be really sad sometimes.

And that it might be okay to slip a cuss word in extreme circumstances like if someone runs over your dog.

And that all we DO need is love.

And that friends really are friends forever if the Lord’s the Lord of them.

And that it is the most excruciating pain of all having to say goodbye to someone that you love, regardless of why you are saying goodbye.

And that accountability is worth it, no matter how much distance is between you.

And that you really should make new friends, but keep the old, one being silver, the other, gold.

And that booths are 100% better than tables.

And that love languages are confusing if they are not words of affirmation.

And that God loves immensely regardless of actions, emotions, feelings and that our worth is not defined by our success OR our failure.

And finally, that people should watch Ellen DeGeneres stand-up comedy when they can’t pull their crap together.