Sorry about my absence. Life has been a little nuts lately. Here is the 30 second catch up…Being home for a month was amazing, I love my family. I wish they all lived in Denver with me now. Christmas was phenomenal as it always is, and I remember how rich I am and how overwhelmingly blessed. I spent the entirety of my time at home with my family, running errands with Trudy, lunch and dinners with my mom, and attached at the hip to Brittney and Carson. I worked to get enough money to support the trek back to Colorado. I got to be a part of a beautiful wedding, where my big sister and mentor married the love of her life and became a Beaver! I felt so blessed to share that time with her. I got to see my best friends from High School, brief as it was, but speaking of weddings, my BEST FRIEND GOT ENGAGED! That’s right, everyone, Beef is off the market. She is planning her New Year’s Eve wedding for 2011, and I am going to get to be a bridesmaid all over again! Her relationship with Dustin gives hope to the rest of the world, as they are perfect for each other. I spent this New Years Eve quietly at home with family, and I didn’t mind. The next day it was a new year, and I started a new life as I embarked on the journey back to Denver, Colorado…my new home.
I have now been living in Denver for two weeks, yesterday. Here is the best I can do to get the chaos of the past 18 days onto paper.
God is teaching me a lot of things right now, especially through being essentially dropped in a big city without a map. At least that’s kind of how I feel. Last semester I was on my knees constantly begging for direction from the Lord about what to do after YWAM. Denver. That’s the only answer I got. Why Denver? Why not make the easy move to Dallas? I would be close to family, close to friends, and be familiar with my surroundings, confident of job opportunities. But no, God said Denver. So as I put on my cloak of independence, I braved the snowstorm and headed Northwest. About an hour into the drive, I thought “What the heck am I doing?!” About two hours into the drive, while listening to Mumford and Sons: “After the Storm”, I received some kind of peace from the Lord that I was living in the middle of His will and plan for my life. I have always wanted to live in Colorado. And here I am doing it.
SIDE NOTE: Whoever thinks you cannot worship to secular music is mistaken. Mumford and Sons have some seriously spiritual undertones, and their lyrics point me straight towards the God of the Universe. This particular song’s melody screams “There will come a day, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears.” I don’t know why that calmed me down so much, but I just got some kind of affirmation that the God who created life was in control. And that his love should guide me, because His love is the only kind worth trusting. The only love that doesn’t disappoint. Ever.
I wont say it hasn’t been lonely at times, by myself in a big city. But amidst my fears, real as they are…I feel the presence of a God that is bigger than me. He has blessed me in more ways that I can describe:
Example #1: I live with the Gray family. Lorrie and Chris, and their two daughters, Zoe and Nadia. The most gracious of all families, I am so privileged to come home to such a welcoming group. I have gotten to watch them parent, and I learn so much from conversations with Lorrie about life and God and everything else. God has so sovereignly placed me here for a reason. I know the Lord better by interacting with the Gray family. And it is really the biggest blessing to never have to come home to an empty house. Thank you, Gray Family.
Example #2: Four summers ago I worked at Kanakuk, and during work week I met a girl named Alex Buth who I automatically clicked with. You know those friends that just happen in an instant? This was one of those times. I only spent two weeks with Alex but I always remembered her, and I am pretty sure we wrote letters back and forth during the summer of 2007. When I moved back to Denver, she is the one and only friend I had here. Oh how great the Lord is for advocating such a friend. She has welcomed me with open arms into her life, always including me and letting me tag along. Through her, I re-met Sydni Sullivan, (another K2 girl from 2007) and the greatest guy friend named James. Alex has served as an open door into community in Denver, and I am so grateful for her generosity as she has made the transition from Texas to Colorado so much easier. Thank you, Alex Buth.
Example #3: About 10 years ago, a boy named Andrew Summersett was my boyfriend and he was passionately involved with what seemed like some kind of cult called ‘Kanakuk’. I cannot thank him enough for introducing me into the world that is Kanakuk, I owe him big time for that. He opened my eyes to a group of Christian athletes like myself who were seeking a relationship with Christ Jesus. Since being in Colorado I have gotten to be a part of the K-LIFE chapter here. Kanakuk has provided me with lifelong friendships, and countless opportunities. In a round about way, Andrew paved the way for a life of gospel community, everywhere I go. The Kanakuk network was my avenue for doing YWAM, for attaining my best friends, and now is serving as my sanctuary here in Denver. On Monday nights I have been attending K-LIFE club, and have met some AMAZING girls that have welcomed me with open arms. I ate lunch with one of such girls today, Lana. And Blair is a College Station native! A small piece of home :) Funny how God uses my high school boyfriend to show me His grace through others. Thank you Andrew Summersett, Kanakuk, Lana Hass, Blair Whitley, and Tayler Ratanassin.
Example #4: My mom. My mom is……there are no words. The most supportive and loving person that lives. Oh how lucky I am to have such a phenomenal support system at home. She is the reason I am who I am. She is the reason I am in Denver, painful as it might be for her, accepting the distance between here and Texas. My mom is the most selfless person on the planet, and I cannot even imagine the size of her crown that is waiting for her in heaven. I have the best mom of anyone, anywhere. While I have been in Denver, searching for direction and trusting the Lord that called me here, my mom has been faithful to support me. Emotionally, physically, financially…you name it. My mom makes it possible for me to pursue the Lord wholeheartedly. It is so comforting to know that she loves me no matter what I do. I hope that someday I can be half the mom to my kids that she has been to me. I cant imagine a more successful mother. Anyways, talk about blessing from the Lord. I could not do what I am doing without her. And alongside her support, I have the same support from Brittney and Carson, Trudy, Kaleb and Roman, and my sweet Grandmommy. That’s my team. And I would pick them for my team every time. Thank you, Mom and family.
Example #5: God has just been opening avenues for me to pursue Him in every aspect. YWAMers have let me borrow snowboard equipment so that I can snowboard, while worshiping the God that allows me to be physically able to slide down a snowy mountain on a board. I like to look around and see how big my God is while taking in the beauty of nature in the winter wonderland of the Rocky Mountains. I have so many people in place here in Denver who want to be a part of my adventure. And I serve the God that put them there. God is opening doors for a career, and I will update you more on that later. I am just trying to keep my eyes on Him, trusting his guidance. He has proven trustworthy again and again. Thank you, Lord.
So while some days are harder than others, I am slowly settling down in Colorado. And when I sit back and think about it, I love it here. I love the mountains. I love the snow. I love that I live in the sunniest city in America. I love the God that brought me here.
And one final thing that I am learning is honesty with myself and with God. Rightfully that Matt Chandler is starting a series on the topic. I am being blatantly honest with God. Or at least trying to. I think that’s the one thing that helps my healing in almost every avenue of my life. I came to a huge painful conclusion about the state of my heart the other day that I had been denying for something like a year and a half now. Out loud I admitted my sin, the sin that I had so positively denied. It brought about some kind of freedom to own up to who I am-broken and unworthy, knowing that the gospel frees me to do so. God loves me regardless of my actions, shortcomings, and failures. Therefore my identity should be rooted not in what I can accomplish, but in what Christ already accomplished for me on the cross. I think the gospel is meant to bring us to the end of ourselves so that we finally place our meaning, purpose, and sense of well-being in Christ alone. And I get to the end of parts of me pretty often. Some days I am overwhelmed with how grateful I am, and I FEEL it. Other days, while the knowledge of how blessed I am remains in my head, I don’t feel it. I feel alone and sad…for no apparent reason. So I am faithful to tell God that I feel like that. Not like he doesn’t know in the first place. Some days I feel hopeless. Some days I feel overwhelmed. Some days I feel like I am on top of the world. I have been in love before….once or twice, and I want to be in LOVE with the Lord. I have found my thoughts drifting to the Lord lately, and I think that is a good sign. I sometimes love other things more than I love God…Lord save me from myself. One thing that moving to Colorado has made painfully clear is my dependence on Christ Jesus. On his unfailing love. On his healing grace, and unending mercy. I believe that I am loved. I don’t believe it fully, but I am making some leeway. I only hope that I will be filled so full with this love that it will pour out of me into the lives of others.
This was scattered, but in conclusion, trust God. Trust the God that created you. When He says do something ridiculous, do it. Because it is by this type of faith that we get to see Him be faithful. Dallas would have been fine. I would have relied on my own self sufficiency and been fine. But I would have missed seeing God provide in ways that I could not imagine. Monica Rex sent me this “A life characterized by apparent self sufficiency finds no inherent need or desperate longing for such a sacrifice. In order to find oneself worthy in Christ, one must first find themselves completely unworthy in the sense that a hole must be present that only Christ can fill.” And can I just say, Christ fills that hole so perfectly.
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