Epic Reality TV

I have to get some tension out via web blog. This tension comes in the form of reality tv, more specifically…the bachelor, season 38, or whatever.

(NOTE: I vowed after my senior year to never watch this crap television show again, and I would just like to apologize for breaking that promise because I had popcorn, ice cream, and a snuggie as I posted up on the couch with my Denver buddies. I would also like to add that we could broadcast our commentary because it was epic and I almost peed my pants.)

OK. Deep breath. Oh my gosh. How did this show get created? A show where 25 girls desperately throw themselves at a 38year old guy with serious commitment problems and and unhealthy relationship with his therapist. (NOTE: we are unsure of his actual qualifications as a therapist…he may or may not be a collegiate frat brother.) And how did all of the girls actually ON the show miss that notification that he does, in fact, get to date 25 girls. You were right, Chris Harrison….emotions ARE running high.

A few things:

1.) Who let Michelle on this show? It’s very clear that her only role is for ratings, because this girl is bat shiz crazy. Side note: You beat yourself up in your sleep? Yeah, I am not buying it. What really went down behind the scenes?

2.) Why does ABC keep throwing curve balls at poor Emily, (the blonde Barbie doll that he clearly likes more than the others…hence the picnic pre-rose-ceremony)? IE. Sticking her in a plane/racecar (next week) after her husband the racecar driver died in a plane crash. Low blow, ABC, low blow.

3.) “I just have to follow my heart.” …..PROFOUD, Chantal O. (as if there are any other Chantal’s?) And can we just discuss the fact that Brad is looking for someone who he can really be himself around…..UM is that not what everyone wants? Can you be more specific?

4.) The skinny girl in the blue and white bathing suit...WHAT. IS. HER. NAME? I swear to you even the Bachelor himself couldn’t answer that question since he called her “you” about 47 times before someone hit him with a cue card reading “her name is ‘Britt’”. I was hoping he would just start throwing names out, letting her playfully correct him. But this is reality TV and that doesn’t go down. Needless to say, she got a rose because he wants to jump her bones.

5.) Ashley with the country accent very closely resembles that girl in high school that EVERYONE hated because she tried WAY too hard. I especially enjoyed the part when she ruined Alli’s one on one time and then asked her for a “hug” to smooth it over. Clearly that did not work, welcome to girl code 101. But good try Ashley. And sadly enough she was still at least top 5 on my list of acceptable show winners until she did the puppy dog impersonation and whined about whether there was still a connection. Buzz kill and major turn off.

6.) “You make me feel like this is something that could happen in REAL life.” –Brad the Bachelor. Really? Really Brad? You’re date was taking a helicopter ride and walking on the bottom of the ocean only to have a bedside brawl on the beach with one of the 10 women that you are dating. I have a hard time believing that this date with millions of cameras in your face resembles anything close to real life. Either that or we define reality in different terms.

7.) Who drugged the dentist? Chick has lost her mind. Even Brad asks “What ARE YOU DOING?” And she openly admits ruining her chances because of her emotional instability and with that I would have to agree. You cant be a basket case at this point in the game. Pull it together Ashley and LOSE THE RUFFLES.

8.) HOW many times do Michelle (what is she wearing?) and Bachelor need to discuss the fact that they DID, indeed, repel off of a steel building? That was 8 hours ago. Move past that conversation, and preferably not to a conversation about your daughter because YES it would be detrimental to her childhood to introduce her to the man you are simultaneously dating alongside a baker’s dozen other girls. Not like the kid stands a chance anyways with those genetics, SHEESH. The fact that she gets a rose makes me realize that I have zero compatibility with Brad Womack.

9.) Girl with the messy hair……do you realize that you are on National Television? Brush. Your. Hair. And this coming from someone who showers once a week.

10.) Girl in the brown/black (?) dress who has never been featured on the show previous to this week……YOUR DRESS IS TOO SMALL. Where are her friends when she needs them to help dress her for the MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER?? And my fellow commentators and I referred to her as the “leaner” because her boobs were clearly weighing her down, making her top-heavy and causing her to lean forward more than what is considered acceptable.

PS. I miss the vampire.

Oh my gosh this crap is too good. It served as my ab workout yesterday. And I am well on my way to a six-pack, people. It’s a little sad that this is what my Monday nights consist of but its just TOO ENTERTAINING to miss. Trashy reality TV, I am obviously not above it.

SIDE NOTE: If I ever sign myself up to be on a reality tv show, if I am ever THAT desperate to find prince charming and TRU LUV then someone please handcuff me to my couch and get me a Russian mail order husband or something. Nothing could be worse than going on this show.

Thanks and GIG EM BACHELOR. Please God, say he picks Emily