Savannah informed me that I had not blogged lately and after snapping a defensive remark at how I had just done a new blog I had to eat my words at the fact that over a week has passed since I have updated this stinkin' site. I apologized for my rash remark. Blogging takes a long time, and time is something I have not had. That's a lie, I have nothing but time. But when the sun is out...I refuse to sit inside at the computer. I choose laying out at Mintons with my bronzed baby brother who we are about to start calling 'Geranimo' after his Native American relatives because he could be of another race right now. Carson is such a hard worker...he sits in that chair all day every day just like a champion.
I dont like posting meaningless blogs so I apologize for this one if it never makes it past shallow, as I am a little too tired to really unpack whats going on with me right now. I do want to give a shout out to the recent gifts that God has placed in my life so graciously.
If you know me well you know I am experiencing a sort of mini-rebellion, as my emotions have gone completely haywire with the overload of change that is going down in my life right now. I have busied myself with everything in the world to distract me from the drastic coming change. I have made 2 recent trips to the lake with the boys and Cara and Haley and we have had a blast. I am exhausted. I have been going ninety to nothing and skippin' quiet times left and right, as time alone with the Lord always forces me to stop and deal with my junk which I am currently avoiding like the plague. I just did/do not want to deal with anything. I just wanted/want to "live in the moment" and do whatever made/makes me (temporarily) happy for a while. This funk has been the definition of the past week or so. In case you are thinking of doing this in your own life...let me just stop you right there. That decision is stupid and does not work. It actually ends up leaving you physically full of shallow happiness and spiritually empty, lacking a deeper joy. Not to mention you get to now deal with regret, guilt, and the task of asking for forgiveness. I always feel like a dog with my tail tucked when I have to drag my idiot self back to the foot of the cross in brokenness. I do not understand my heart. Its literally got a learning disability I think. God has taught me the same lessons repetitively and still I cant completely grasp it. Start calling me pea brain please. I need Megan to work with me, once she gets her degree from Baylor for working with kids with learning disabilities. I am still a kid at heart, and I need all the help I can get.
The fact that Christ welcomes me back again and again with open arms makes me tear up, and makes the hairs on my arms stand at attention like tiny army soldiers. If I was God, I would have given up on me a long time ago. Thank the Lord that I am not God. Not even close. So as I have been driving out of control at 120mph, the Lord was faithful to finally wreck me this morning. Again He loved me enough to stop my deadly rampage. I was so convicted about running from Him that I came home from the lake and just met with Him in the porch swing on my back porch for a while. I cried. I was so ashamed that here I was again in this position. I mean come on Ally get your crap together right? He loved me through it.
Here are the gifts I am most aware of as I type to you at 1:48AM:
1. The fact that God is still working on me. I am not by any means perfect or even close to perfect, and realizing it over and over again makes me just unbelievably thankful that a perfect God is still molding me, still cares enough about me to take me out of the drivers seat of my life knowing that its suicide. He knows how much it sucks to be me because He KNOWS me completely. We laugh together, cry together, and he metaphorically high fives me in the good times I think. Today though we cried together. I am so painfully aware of this awful, beautiful process of progressive sanctification as he is peeling flesh from my heart and continuing this work that he began in me. I rest in the fact that he will be faithful to finish it:
"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippeans 1:6
2. The gift of being free to come to Him in anything and every situation. Matt Chandler says that a true mark of Christianity is when things get rough we run TO God and not from Him. Although I started off following the demands of my flesh, God graced me with mercy by allowing me to do a 180 degree turn and return to my first love who never left me. *Side note, speaking of Matt Chandler, if you havent listened to his latest sermon: "Grace Driven Effort" you need to immediately. It was spot on.
3. The assurance that God is completely in control, sovereign, and LOVES me. He knew I would pull this little stunt. He knew I would run away from him. He knows me fully; wholly. And yet he loves me still which is in any other case a joke. He prolly wants to knock me upside the head more frequently than not but he loves me more than anyone else in the world. He loves me flawlessly. God, the perfect trinity by whom and for whom all things were created, loves me. David Crowder says he loves like a hurricane, and I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. He loves me regardless of every other reason besides that I am HIS. Oh I love being His. I love that he has ownership of me and WANTS me even in my sick broken state.
4. The fact that God cheers when we take steps and then fall. Like a toddler learning to walk, so we are with Christ. Wobbly and retarded, our Christian walk alot of the time is step, step, step, fall. I fell this week. My knees are all scraped up and I am frustrated with myself. But God is faithful to dust me off, wipe the tears from my eyes and encourage me to take a few more uncoordinated steps. He applauded my last pathetic attempt. He just requires that I keep walking, keep focused on my goal, keep my eyes on Him like the child who stumbles toward her dad who is prompting her, video camera in hand, excited about each attempt even the failed ones. My sad attempt at walking is mostly clumsy, awkward, and extremely ungraceful, yet all of Heaven celebrates over my wobbly steps.
5. The blessing of good friends in my life who will be faithful to call me out on my junk and then love me through it no matter what. Even when I avoid them as well as God. I cant even wait to see Becca Feagin this weekend and tell her all about how bad I messed up so she can punch me and then hug and cuddle me. I get giddy thinking about it. And also I'm thankful for friends who make me laugh, especially the high school crew that I have re-united with lately. Brent makes me laugh so hard that I have to concentrate on not peeing my pants. Cara cracks me up. Jake and Haley are hilarious. God knows that laughter is one of my favorite of His creations and has placed people in my life that are so very good at evoking it in me.
Well its 2:15AM currently, and clearly past my bedtime. Time to get paddling again in my boat. My favorite analogy to use in my Christian walk is that I am in a boat. Sometimes I fall out of my boat. Sometimes I get pushed out. Sometimes I jump out like this past week. Then I have to swim and struggle and feel like I am drowning, but as of today I have climbed back into the boat, with Gods helping hand, out of breath and shivering cold. Tomorrow its time I start paddling again, on the never ending road to God's glory/my joy. What I usually fail to realize is that Christ is kinda like my trolling motor. If only I would trust him to carry me. We would sure get there a WHOLE heck of a lot faster. With that little tid bit, I good you bidnight!
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