YWAM Update #1

Day 3 of YWAM has come and gone! Weird. I feel both like I just got here, and like I have been here forever. More like I have been here forever though. The feeling of being alone in a crowd is finally starting to wear off as I am getting to know my new little family. Things are going really good here and God is teaching me so much about my rebellious heart. I have a PHENOMENAL small group that I am so blessed to get to spend quality time with for the next 6 months!

It consists of 1. Hannah: the Michigan native who I explained to my sister as being a very mellowed down version of me, add Savannah. They have alot in common which makes me a little sad, and when I say a little, I mean alot. She is even a vegetarian, I mean come on. Anyways Hannah and I have quite a bit in common and have used the buddy system since about hour #1 of this whole experience.

2. Sarah from Australia. She has the BEST accent and is maybe one of the coolest girls with the coolest stories. It is her first time in the states so she is just super pumped to see everything and takes lots of pictures of everyone. She's currently trying to teach me to speak in her dialect, and I am teaching her some Texas twang. We both sound like idiots trying to mimmick the other. She is precious though and I cannot wait to get to know her heart. She also tends to pose like Japanese tourists, it was just precious...we now all are adopting that into all future pictures.

3. Kelsea from Iowa, who I do not currently have a picture of. From having had maybe 2 conversations with Kelsea I know for a fact that she is legit and extremely mature in her faith, I already look up to her. She seems very wise just from knowing her for 2 days. I am really excited about that because I think shes going to push me alot, and that is what I need. Our small group leader is named Ilsa. That is pronounced "ill-sa" and she is a veteran here at YWAM, who is great!

Tonight we all went to see Eclipse which ROCKED, and tomorrow we are supposed to go to this place called the Jump Jump? Its a huge gym filled with trampolines, both as the floor and the walls and you just bounce around and flip back and forth from wall to wall and across the whole gym. THAT IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!

Today it was really obvious that God was teaching me to obey him in the small things. It came up time and time again, and to surrender completely EVERYTHING to Him. I have such a rebellious heart and I so often want to hold something other than God as ultimate. My flesh is stupid. Anyways we had an hour long worship service this morning that was extremely powerful and I just really am finding out so much about myself. More updates on that when I sort it all out in my head, which I havent had time to do yet. One guy named George gave his testimony which started with how he was a hippie in the 60's and dealt drugs. He told us that he LIVED IN A TREE in a village of tree dwellers for something around 2 years to escape being in the military during Vietnam. I was just so intrigued. He then went on to tell us how God saved him, and then had a REALLY cool story where his roommates got arrested in a drug bust, and all the while he was just sitting on the couch with his bible. It was like the police men didnt even see him and in the police report there was never a mention of his presence. God told him that He had blinded the eyes of the policemen to his presence in order to protect him, and then asked him to leave the house and not return. It was the most radical story. Literally God blinded the eyes of people so that they could not see him to arrest him, how cool is that??!

Things are really liberal here overall, and it is going to take some getting used to coming from my Christian bubble of conservative Baptists. Its a whole different type of worship than I have ever experienced. Its really extreme and to be honest, I like it. Its real. Nobody is fake here and nobody is trying to pretend to be something that they are not. We are all allowed to worship in our own ways. The spirit of God is just very palpable, and I am anxious to see what he teaches me throughout the entire experience. But I often catch myself just people watching. Its interesting to me all the different ways there is to worship ONE King.

Anyways, on a more serious note, I am really fighting God on one area of my life, which He has very much convicted me about. I dont want to go into much detail right now because I am exhausted and its bedtime, but please be praying that I would have an obedient heart, even in the small things. That I would trust that he has my absolute best in mind when asking me to give up places of comfort. He is sovereign.

Here is a fun picture to conclude. We visited the Red Rocks Amphitheatre yesterday and it was so much fun! This is our failed attempt at a jumping picture, but I posted it because I am really high. HA, typical? We have some better ones where Hannah is actually off the ground...she defends herself by saying that more than one person was counting. Also I might add that I really miss my bests, in a completely valid way. I have talked to them on the phone whenever I have chances to call but I just really miss my core 4 girls. I am so extremely thankful for the new friends that God is blessing me with but that doesn't make any difference in how much I miss them. And of course I really miss my family and sister. She needs to be closer to me at all times. I just wish I could get a good cuddle from someone who really knows me right now. Haha, the majority of my bests would refuse to cuddle anyways even if they were here so thats clearly just wishful thinking. Anyways, more updates to come ASAP! God is so very good.

Denver: Success!

Since I blogged last, I have hung out and said goodbye to all my high school friends, taken a trip to Lampe, MO to see friends from Kanakuk and hang out behind the gates of K2, said goodbye to Savannah, and said goodbye to my entire family. Talk about emotional overload.

However, after a VERY LONG 18 hour drive, (broken up into two days) I finally made it to Denver. Hello next six months in the greatest state in America! I left my family early Saturday morning to make the grueling trek to Amarillo, Texas to stay with my friend Ashton who was my best friend all through Middle School. We had a lot of fun just catching up, even though I was only there for about 18 hours total. We took a walk around the neighborhood and played on a nearby playground for an hour or so because my legs had been cramped in a car all day long and I wanted to get outside and run/walk/climb. It was perfect, and just like the good old days with little Ash. A perfect way to spend my Saturday night. Then we watched a movie and I was asleep on the couch before anyone could even snap their fingers.




10 AM the next day marked the beginning of the journey through the Panhandle, New Mexico, and FINALLY into Colorado! I was on the phone with Beef as I crossed the state line into my new home and we both cheered! It was really a great moment. Throughout the drive, I had the windows down jammin' to some tunes, and broke up the monotany with some Matt Chandler and phone calls to my bests. Everyone has been so encouraging.

I pulled up to Alex Buth's house around 6:00PM, your time. (An old friend from kamp who just became a new Denver friend!) It was actually on 5:00PM because somewhere along the way I transferred into the Mountain Time Zone. LEGIT. Alex helped make my first night in Denver memorable and SO MUCH FUN. I love this city. Also God has just LAVISHED his love on me by placing lots of old friends here in town. Molly Monnett, a kamp friend from when I was a KAMPER 6 years ago, is going to have dinner with me this week. She was a princess and I look up to her alot. She is one of the most awesome and rock solid girls I know. On top of that there are about 4 other kamp friends who have contacted me this week saying that they too are in Denver. It is going to be like a Kamp reunion!!! Fabulous. God is providing in ways that I didnt know possible, and I cant even wait to see what he accomplishes in me over the next few months.

Today is my first day of YWAM and its about time to start showering and getting ready! I am nervous and excited (still) and I CANT WAIT to begin this journey! Pray with me that God would be sovereign in my life and in my thoughts. I want to do everything in HIS name for HIS glory!! I feel a sense of peace knowing that I am being obedient to His call even though this is a big step for me and I am sensing some fear of the unknown. But with the Lord on my side, what do I have to fear?? Also I would like to say a thank you to my encouraging friends and family that have been so affirmative throughout this entire process of prayer and action. I feel so very blessed to have people like Becca who is faithful to send me rock solid truth in times of desperation. Things are looking up, people! I will keep you posted! Until then, wish me luck!

The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing

Today my quiet time could not have been more spot on, seriously if it wasnt 7 in the morning I would have tears running down my cheeks. However, if you know me (Monica), you know that I am incapable of crying before noon. My tear ducts work better late at night. Anyways Megan, you are gonna poop your pants when you read this. To catch you up, I just had a conversation until 5AM not even a week ago with Meg about this exact topic (more specifically related to my life) and God just used A.W. Tozer to absolutely blow my mind. Typical. I am currently reading "The Pursuit of God," the sequel to the book I just finished called "God's Pursuit of Man." I recommend both, but first read Tozer's "The Knowledge of the Holy," because outside of the bible that book has been the most powerfully used tool to radically transform my heart. Its deep, though, so get a highlighter.

I would re-type the entirety of Chapter 2 called "The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing", but since that would make for an even longer post than my normal ones, I will give you the best parts. Its still gonna be long, though, this is TOO GOOD.

"In the deep heart is a shrine where none but God is worthy to come. In Genesis is the account of creation, but these are simply created 'things'. Our woes began when God was forced out of His central shrine and 'things' were allowed to enter.....Things have become necessary to us, a development never originally intended. God's gifts now take the place of God, and the whole course of nature is upset by this MONSTROUS SUBSTITUTION.

...Within each of us is also an enemy who's chief characteristic is possessiveness. To allow this enemy to live is, in the end, to lose everything. To repudiate it and give up ALL for the sake of Christ's sake is to lose nothing at last, but to preserve everything unto life eternal.
...And the only effective way to destroy this foe is the cross."

Ok so there is the set-up. Tozer then accentuates the tragic searching for "God-and".

"There is little we need other than God Himself. The evil habit of seeking "God-and" effectively prevents us from finding God in full revelation. In the 'and' lies our great woe. If we omit the 'and' we shall soon find God, and in Him we shall find that for which we have all our lives been secretly longing for."

He goes on to give the account of Abraham and God's demand that he sacrifice his only son Isaac as an example of Abraham's idolatry of the heart. Matt Chandler always talks about how things that were originally created to be good things, turn to evil because we get possessive of them. They then risk becoming idols, overtaking the shrine that was meant only for God. Oh how I know that all too well.

"From the first moment Abraham held his son, he was an eager love slave to him. The child became at once the delight and idol of his heart. God went out of his way (in the bible) to comment on this affection. ...As he watched him grow, the heart of the old man was knit closer and closer with the life of his son, till at last the relationship bordered upon the perilous. It was then that GOD STEPPED IN TO SAVE BOTH FATHER AND SON from the consequences of an uncleansed love."

Abraham's son was such a blessing to him. A blessing from God. Abraham loved Isaac so well, so selflessly with the love of Christ, but he soon loved Isaac more than he loved God. I can only guess that he started caring more about Isaac's thoughts about him than God's, and wanted to spend time with Isaac more than he wanted to spend time with God. Tragic. Although I know not how it feels to idolize my child, I do know too painfully well what it means to idolize a friend, or a family member. I joked with Becca last week about how I longed for a relationship that would lead to a marriage, but then every time I ask God for that, He lovingly/sarcastically reminds me that I am still co-dependent on essentially everything that moves. My constant need for affirmation is just further proof of my deep heart disease. I then quickly change my request to something more along the lines of "Please God prepare my heart for that future relationship, and help me to be completely aware of my sin of idolatry before I even meet him. I do NOT want to struggle with co-dependency on my husband. And God, be working on his heart, because Lord knows he is gonna have to be really strong in You and equipped to deal with the train wreck that I sometimes am." Becca laughed, because she knows that is SO true. Anyways can you even imagine being asked by God to KILL the one person in the world that you love the most? Ask me to kill Brittney and see what happens. I would look at you and laugh. Talk about agony that Abraham must have been going through that night. But he was faithful, he obeyed God.

"God let the suffering old man go through with it up to the point where He knew there would be no retreat, and then forbade him to lay a hand upon the boy. He now says in effect, "I only wanted to remove him from the temple of your heart that I might reign unchallenged there. I wanted to correct the perversion that existed in your love." ...Now he was a man wholly surrendered, a man utterly obedient, a man who possessed nothing. God chose to cut quickly to the heart and have it over in one sharp act of separation. It hurt cruelly, but it was effective...The sense of possession..was gone from his heart.

There can be no doubt that this possessive clinging to things and people is one of the most harmful habits in this life. ...We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord OUT OF FEAR FOR THEIR SAFETY (that hits home bigtime). This is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really safe which is not so committed.

The Christian who is alive enough to know himself even slightly will recognize the symptoms of this possession malady, and will grieve to find them in his own heart. If the longing after God is strong enough within him, he will want to do something about the matter. Now what should he do? Let him trample under food every slippery trick of his deceituful heart and insist instead upon frank and open relations with the Lord. ...This ancient curse will not go out painlessly; it will not lie down and die in obedience to our command. It must be torn out of our heart like a plant from the soil; it must be extracted in agony and blood like a tooth from the jaw. It must be expelled from our soul by violence."

Is it a coincidence that Matt Chandler's newest sermon is titled "When violence is OK" and it is about making war against the sins, small and large, in our lives? I think not. I think God is trying to say something here. Idolatry is a common sin, but not tolerable. We all have at one point or another taken something good and elevated it to an unhealthy level, making it in our lives more important than God. We have created an idol in our hearts and when this happens, God must painfully remove it in His MOST LOVING act. He would be unloving to let things that will never eternally satisfy us remain at the core of our being, the most important thing. He knows that HIMSELF is the only thing that reigns effectively in the 'shrine of our heart' and therefore will only let Himself fill it. He is so good for doing this, and it hurts so bad. Everything in our sinful nature wars against this idea, as we place things and people as the ultimate in our lives over and over again. Thanks to God's brilliant idea of 'free will,' (personally my portion of 'free will' is retarded in epic proportion, and I kind of wish he would have just created me naturally obedient to Him without choice) we will each get to choose either God or something else. And God will wait to be wanted.

"If we would indeed know God in growing intimacy, if we are set upon the pursuit of God, He will sooner or later bring us to this test. ...So we will be brought one by one to the testing place, and we may never know when we are there. At that testing place there will be no dozen possible choices for us--just one and an alternative--but our whole future will be conditioned by the choice we make."

Tozer concludes by praying: "Father I want to know You, but my cowardly heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide the terror of this parting from You. I come trembling, but I DO COME. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that You may enter and dwell there WITHOUT A RIVAL. Then You will make the place of Your feet glorious. Then my heart will have no need of the sun to shine in it, for You will be the light of it and there will be no night there. In Jesus' name, Amen."

I'm with Tozer. My prayer is likewise. I love that he says, THEN his heart will have no need of the sun to shine in it, because God will be his light and where there is God there is no darkness. OH that is so glorious!! We will not need circumstances to go our way, we will not need health or wealth or affirmation--(shocking), because we will have God, and God plus nothing equals everything. That doesnt ring true in our flesh, but it must ring true in our spirit.

"The man who has God for his treasure has all things in ONE. Many ordinary treasures may be denied him, or if he is allowed to have them, the enjoyment of them will be so tempered that they will never be necessary to his happiness. Or if he must see them go, one after one, he will scarcely feel a sense of loss, for having the Source of all things he has in One all satisfaction, all pleasure, all delight. Whatever he may lose he has actually lost nothing, for he now has it all in One, and he has it purely, legitimately, and forever."

Seasons Of Love

The title of this post makes me laugh because for Theta Skit Night we sing the song "Seasons of Love" from RENT as our finale song. Its a real tear jerker. Anyways, this past weekend as I was shopping for bridesmaids dresses with my newly engaged big sister Alicia Perry, we had a conversation about the different seasons of life. Throughout my life, God has walked me through a ton of different seasons, each with its own highs and lows.

Starting at childhood, I was sheltered and knew life as being easy, with everything I wanted in my grip. I was in constant movement and the Queen of my own world. With Brittney as my faithful side kick, my imagination dominated reality. My mom spoiled me, or so she would say. The only things that mattered were who I sat by at lunch, and who could run the fastest on the playground and I most always won. Life was good. And simple.

*Brittney and Carson were often subjected to the dances I made up, including this little Christmas diddy:

Middle school brought the first glimpses of trouble, I still remember the trauma of Bethany Lanier, (the cute blonde in the red shirt shown below) telling me that I had squirrels for eyebrows. In 6th grade I fell in love for the first time with the boy that I would later date for something around forever. I wrote my first name with his last name on my binder. My best friends went toilet papering and stole street signs at night, sneaking out of Ashton's house by window. A season of mostly innocent rebellion.

Then high school hit, a whirlwind of a new adventure. I was shallow as heck, but boy did I have some fun. Competitive athletics controlled my life, I loved being known as the athlete. I had an awesome group of friends, some of whom still play huge roles in my life to this day, like the infamous Brittany Forrester.

Andrew, my 16 year old heart-throb, equipped with shaggy hair and captain of the JV football team was the center of my world, and I spent every waking minute with him. Lots of times we were at his lake house learning to wakeboard, and swinging in the hammock. He had a 1965 mustang and we often drove with the windows down.

My senior year of high school, I got to watch my world crumble before my eyes as God loved me enough to remove me from my own pedestal. A tragedy in my life of epic proportion, my sister would refer to the times that I cried in my closet and laugh at how she would listen to my pathetic phone conversations through the wall that we shared.

Freshman year of college seems like a blur. I was thrown blindly into the college life at Texas A&M, naive and confused and I randomly joined a sorority. I lived with the homecoming queen from Arlington, Texas and my best friend at the time, Sunni and I would stay up all night long doing crafts and not studying. That would later bite me in the rear end.

Sophomore year I made what I thought was the best friend I would ever have, and when she was later painfully removed from my life I hit a breaking point as God brought me to my knees. Becca Feagin stepped in as a new best friend and taught me what it really meant to seek after and love the Lord. I had never seen anyone love, communicate, and live like Becca. Still no one to this day has made the impression that she made on my walk with Christ. She taught me what to do with my desperation, and showed me what it meant to cling with everything you have to Him.

At age 19 I decided to trade in my former life of mediocrity and performance based faith for a real relationship with Christ. It changed everything, but not before a good 4 months of serious depression. It was the following summer that I was given Megan Templin, the biggest blessing ever. My best friend to this day, she was who God used to help bring me back from the dark side, a savior of some sort all wrapped in a 5'1 package of cuteness. She's the ultimate wing-man.

Junior year I was also 'blessed' with knowing that I would never use my architecture degree, after a hell ride of an internship in Dallas, Texas. One year later, at Kanakuk, the place where I accredit so much change in my heart, I was introduced to Savannah Rowland by the grace of God alone. Another extremely life changing friendship, and the relationship that God would use to point out more about myself than I had ever known. I have never loved someone like I love Savannah. My friendship with her has really transformed who I am in Christ, and taught me who I am called to be and who I am not. I have learned a lot about the heart issues behind the actions I take, and am still learning to this day.

Senior year I lived with my sister, which proved to be the best decision I have ever made. Rock solid accountability in my grasp and a constant flow of good advice helped make this year my favorite year yet. My college season recently came to a close and I am currently waiting slash preparing for the next chapter to start. Eager and ready for something new.

What I want to talk about is this: God was there in every season. He hand-placed each person in my life to mold me, walk with me, destroy me in some cases, and grow me. Some of those people will remain a part of my life as long as I live, and some were only meant to walk with me for a season, as God leads them out of my life on a journey of their own. This is a really hard reality for me to grasp and accept. He carefully orchestrated each scenario and was with me in each one. Friends have come and friends have gone, but He has been constant. I have changed, things have changed, but God has not changed. He is forever the same. As I was spending time with God on my 3 hour drive home with my windows down, this old favorite song by Nichole Nordeman came on, called Every Season:

"Every evening sky, an invitation to trace the patterned stars. And early in July, a celebration for freedom that is ours, and I notice You in children's games, and those who watch them from the shade. Every drop of sun is full of wonder. YOU ARE SUMMER.

And even when the trees have just surrendered to the harvest time, forfeiting their leaves in late September and sending us inside. Still I notice You when change begins and I am braced for colder winds. I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come. YOU ARE AUTUMN.

And everything in time and under heaven finally falls asleep. Wrapped in blankets white, all creation shivers underneath and still I notice You when branches crack and in my breath on frosted glass. Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter. YOU ARE WINTER.

And everything that's new has bravely surfaced, teaching us to breathe. What was frozen through is newly purposed, turning all things green and so it is with You and how You make me new with every season's change. And so it will be as You are re-creating me. Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring."

And so that song is for starters one of my favorites, but it just so perfectly defines God's immutability and the idea that He never changes. He is with us in every season of our lives. As we walk through summers, autumns, winters, and springs we can rest assure that our God is there. He was there through the beautiful disaster of life that I have known and He will be there in the years to come, until He calls me home. And for tonight, for the time being, that is enough. In the midst of a rough patch, I am okay because my God, my glorious unchanging God says that He is with me always. And although I want alot of things to change, and I want to remedy alot of painful situations, I know for a fact that I have everything I NEED.

As you walk through your own seasons of life, I hope that you realize this small but important truth. Everything around you is going to change. You can bank on it. Your environment will change. Your friends will change. You will meet new people, and the people you used to know will lose touch with you. Things will go right, and things will go wrong. You will be happy and you will be sad. Things that mattered to you will not matter anymore. But in light of all of this constant change, often painful, you can KNOW that God does not change. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). So as long as you cling to Him, you have a rock that will stabilize you amidst any storm. Hold on for your life.

Without a Paddle

Its 1:30AM which means it will be 2AM at least when I finish this blog. Back up, erase that, make it 1:45AM bc this is gonna be short and sweet.....until tomorrow at least.

Savannah informed me that I had not blogged lately and after snapping a defensive remark at how I had just done a new blog I had to eat my words at the fact that over a week has passed since I have updated this stinkin' site. I apologized for my rash remark. Blogging takes a long time, and time is something I have not had. That's a lie, I have nothing but time. But when the sun is out...I refuse to sit inside at the computer. I choose laying out at Mintons with my bronzed baby brother who we are about to start calling 'Geranimo' after his Native American relatives because he could be of another race right now. Carson is such a hard worker...he sits in that chair all day every day just like a champion.

I dont like posting meaningless blogs so I apologize for this one if it never makes it past shallow, as I am a little too tired to really unpack whats going on with me right now. I do want to give a shout out to the recent gifts that God has placed in my life so graciously.

If you know me well you know I am experiencing a sort of mini-rebellion, as my emotions have gone completely haywire with the overload of change that is going down in my life right now. I have busied myself with everything in the world to distract me from the drastic coming change. I have made 2 recent trips to the lake with the boys and Cara and Haley and we have had a blast. I am exhausted. I have been going ninety to nothing and skippin' quiet times left and right, as time alone with the Lord always forces me to stop and deal with my junk which I am currently avoiding like the plague. I just did/do not want to deal with anything. I just wanted/want to "live in the moment" and do whatever made/makes me (temporarily) happy for a while. This funk has been the definition of the past week or so. In case you are thinking of doing this in your own life...let me just stop you right there. That decision is stupid and does not work. It actually ends up leaving you physically full of shallow happiness and spiritually empty, lacking a deeper joy. Not to mention you get to now deal with regret, guilt, and the task of asking for forgiveness. I always feel like a dog with my tail tucked when I have to drag my idiot self back to the foot of the cross in brokenness. I do not understand my heart. Its literally got a learning disability I think. God has taught me the same lessons repetitively and still I cant completely grasp it. Start calling me pea brain please. I need Megan to work with me, once she gets her degree from Baylor for working with kids with learning disabilities. I am still a kid at heart, and I need all the help I can get.

The fact that Christ welcomes me back again and again with open arms makes me tear up, and makes the hairs on my arms stand at attention like tiny army soldiers. If I was God, I would have given up on me a long time ago. Thank the Lord that I am not God. Not even close. So as I have been driving out of control at 120mph, the Lord was faithful to finally wreck me this morning. Again He loved me enough to stop my deadly rampage. I was so convicted about running from Him that I came home from the lake and just met with Him in the porch swing on my back porch for a while. I cried. I was so ashamed that here I was again in this position. I mean come on Ally get your crap together right? He loved me through it.

Here are the gifts I am most aware of as I type to you at 1:48AM:

1. The fact that God is still working on me. I am not by any means perfect or even close to perfect, and realizing it over and over again makes me just unbelievably thankful that a perfect God is still molding me, still cares enough about me to take me out of the drivers seat of my life knowing that its suicide. He knows how much it sucks to be me because He KNOWS me completely. We laugh together, cry together, and he metaphorically high fives me in the good times I think. Today though we cried together. I am so painfully aware of this awful, beautiful process of progressive sanctification as he is peeling flesh from my heart and continuing this work that he began in me. I rest in the fact that he will be faithful to finish it:

"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippeans 1:6

2. The gift of being free to come to Him in anything and every situation. Matt Chandler says that a true mark of Christianity is when things get rough we run TO God and not from Him. Although I started off following the demands of my flesh, God graced me with mercy by allowing me to do a 180 degree turn and return to my first love who never left me. *Side note, speaking of Matt Chandler, if you havent listened to his latest sermon: "Grace Driven Effort" you need to immediately. It was spot on.

3. The assurance that God is completely in control, sovereign, and LOVES me. He knew I would pull this little stunt. He knew I would run away from him. He knows me fully; wholly. And yet he loves me still which is in any other case a joke. He prolly wants to knock me upside the head more frequently than not but he loves me more than anyone else in the world. He loves me flawlessly. God, the perfect trinity by whom and for whom all things were created, loves me. David Crowder says he loves like a hurricane, and I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. He loves me regardless of every other reason besides that I am HIS. Oh I love being His. I love that he has ownership of me and WANTS me even in my sick broken state.

4. The fact that God cheers when we take steps and then fall. Like a toddler learning to walk, so we are with Christ. Wobbly and retarded, our Christian walk alot of the time is step, step, step, fall. I fell this week. My knees are all scraped up and I am frustrated with myself. But God is faithful to dust me off, wipe the tears from my eyes and encourage me to take a few more uncoordinated steps. He applauded my last pathetic attempt. He just requires that I keep walking, keep focused on my goal, keep my eyes on Him like the child who stumbles toward her dad who is prompting her, video camera in hand, excited about each attempt even the failed ones. My sad attempt at walking is mostly clumsy, awkward, and extremely ungraceful, yet all of Heaven celebrates over my wobbly steps.

5. The blessing of good friends in my life who will be faithful to call me out on my junk and then love me through it no matter what. Even when I avoid them as well as God. I cant even wait to see Becca Feagin this weekend and tell her all about how bad I messed up so she can punch me and then hug and cuddle me. I get giddy thinking about it. And also I'm thankful for friends who make me laugh, especially the high school crew that I have re-united with lately. Brent makes me laugh so hard that I have to concentrate on not peeing my pants. Cara cracks me up. Jake and Haley are hilarious. God knows that laughter is one of my favorite of His creations and has placed people in my life that are so very good at evoking it in me.

Well its 2:15AM currently, and clearly past my bedtime. Time to get paddling again in my boat. My favorite analogy to use in my Christian walk is that I am in a boat. Sometimes I fall out of my boat. Sometimes I get pushed out. Sometimes I jump out like this past week. Then I have to swim and struggle and feel like I am drowning, but as of today I have climbed back into the boat, with Gods helping hand, out of breath and shivering cold. Tomorrow its time I start paddling again, on the never ending road to God's glory/my joy. What I usually fail to realize is that Christ is kinda like my trolling motor. If only I would trust him to carry me. We would sure get there a WHOLE heck of a lot faster. With that little tid bit, I good you bidnight!

Prayer Warriors Please

So today is the first day of Kanakuk K2, Term 1 and I am not there. Needless to say I woke up at 5:30AM, after going to sleep around 3AM. Wonder why I can't sleep? My mom thinks I am depressed, she even offered to let me drive up to Lampe, Missouri to see everyone. I might take her up on that later in the term. If I didn't know exactly what it means and feels like to be depressed, I might have thought the same thing about today. I have been up for a while now spending time with Jesus, knowing that He will be the only thing to satisfy my longing heart. However, as it is I am very very sad that I am not waking up to a cabin full of bright eyed 15 year old kampers. Preferably I would like it to be Monica and Natalie Rex, Kate Mosle, and Lauren Haley; Darby Unruh, Sarah Silverii, Madison Sharpe, Alexis Shields, Therese Diedrich, and Diane Sartor. With Hattie Wheeler in tri-athlete. But any kampers would be better than no kampers, which is what I have in reality. This time last summer I was living in Cabin 15, which would prove to be the best term of my life with a studly co-counselor named Kelli, and Savannah, my new friend, as my kitchie. This time last year I was playing 'get to know you' games with 10 girls (the Rex twins came late) and singing Good Morning songs at breakfast. This time last year I was playing the scraper game, and arranging WWF tournaments at night with my girls. This time last year I was eating dreamsicles every night. This time last year I was making videos of toe people with Mon. This time last year I was starting a prayer journal (blindly) for what would later become my best friend. And this time last year I was a totally different person than I am right now, and peace and joy comes with actively seeing the progressive sanctification that has happened in my life over one year.

Aside from missing the heck out of being a counselor, I know that I am about to embark on a new adventure that will be different than any of my past ones. I mentioned moving to Denver in my last blog, and I am in the same boat today. Excited and nervous. I think the thing that intrigues me most is that I get to go there and nobody will know me. I will have zero expectations to live up to, except for the ones set in place by YWAM, but I need not worry about that. I like that idea. I like that I can go there and be whoever I want to be. Not that I plan on changing myself at all, just that nobody knows anything about me there. Nobody knows what I am good at and nobody knows my struggles. They will. Lord knows I will disappoint myself and others while I am there because I am broken and sinful, but as it stands I have a clean slate. I just marvel at the idea. I could show up and pretend that I love ballet and nobody would call me out on it. At least not until I opened my mouth and proved that I know nothing about ballet and actually rather despise it. But you get my point. Here I am Ally Rice...known by everyone to be (fill in the blank); but there I am Ally Rice...new roommate and girl I have never seen before. That's exciting to me.

I am really banking on finding some legit friends that are a lot like me. I am hoping that there is tons of granola outdoorsy athletes in attendance. I wonder who my roommates will be...to my knowledge there will be 5-7 of them. I wonder how I will like mission training. I wonder how God will use this experience to grow me more into the image of His son. I wonder where he will lead me on my outreach mission trip in September. I wonder who my friends will be. I wonder how he will reveal Himself to me through nature. I wonder what accountability will look like for me. I wonder how long distance friendships will look with the people who I have always had by my side. I wonder how I will be different. I wonder how I will be the same. I wonder what God is going to do to radically transform my heart. I wonder a lot of things. The not knowing is exciting and scary at the same time.

I am really praying, pleading, begging right now that God would prepare my heart for what I am about to encounter, whatever it may be. In the past I have not done too well with change. Today I am more mature in Christ, but I still need His power and mercy to smoothly adapt to a totally different environment full of wonder and surprise and mystery.

Please pray with me that God would use the next month (24 days) to physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually prepare my heart for what He has in store for me. Please pray with me that he would use that time to help me practice obedience to Him. Pray with me that he would put to death all the sin in me and that he would quiet the voice of Satan who is so eager to destroy all that God is doing in me. Pray that my thoughts would be captive to Christ, and that I would set my eyes on the goal and walk in confidence knowing that my God is completely in control. Pray with me that he would secure my mind against collapse under the battering of the enemy. Pray with me that I would not only feel God's presence in my past and in my future, but that he would consume my present, being sure that the knowledge of God will be given as a fact of consciousness altogether apart from the conclusions of logic. And then pray with me that my 6 months at YWAM would be the most radical transformation my heart has ever seen or known. Pray that artificiality and pretense would have no place in my life there. Pray that my interests would shift from things external to things internal, from things on earth to things in heaven, and that I would be completely consumed by Christ only. Pray for clarity as God reveals his plan for my life. Pray that he would remove all selfish motives and invade my life, driving out all traces of fleshly desires and replacing them with new Christ-like motives. I pray that my 'self' be removed, with the cross being its only effective destroyer. Pray that I would be overwhelmed at the realization that only God matters, and that this truth would work itself out into my mental life and condition all my judgments and values. Then I might find myself free from slavery to man's opinion and learn to love above all else the assurance that I am well pleasing to my Father in heaven. Finally, pray that this new life seizes my entire nature and sets about its benign conquest, a conquest which is not complete until the invading new self has taken full possession and a new creation emerges. Pray above all that God is glorified through my living. Pray that He is made famous.

Thanks in advance, and prayer warriors--take your stance. The battle is now.

Sweet Home Texarkana

I have been home now for almost 2 weeks. I am living in a tiny room with both my brother and sister, rotating turns at who sleeps in the (only 2) twin beds that we have in our room. Since the divorce, we are all sardined into my grandmother's house and I would not have it any other way. We are so happy and we LOVE each other more than life itself. I have the best family in the world. Now that we have overcome the fact that I HAVE to have music while sleeping and NO LIGHT, and Carson has succumbed to me by turning off the TV when I come to bed, things have gone mostly smoothly. Brittney has been at Kanakuk for a while now, but will be returning on Monday. We anxiously await her arrival as I have been desperately fighting jealousy the entire time she was gone.

Usually I am kind of depressed whenever I am at home because I am so bored, and we all know how well I handle boredom. NOT WELL. But these two weeks have been fabulous. My high school friends have re-established our wolf-pack and have been together 24-7. Any time I have not been with friends, mom and I have had some sort of activity to keep me occupied, and if not then I am usually just wrestling Carson or playing backyard football/baseball with him. He is 6'1 and much stronger than me these days, and will be happy to tell you so, or show you his washboard 6-pack of abs that he labors over in the gym...he is getting a little cocky, which means it's time for me to put him back in his place. What happened to my baby brother? Let me tell you though, Carson is the best boy in the world. He is the epitome of the type of man that I want to marry. He is selfless and kind, thoughtful and considerate, but sarcastic as they come and maybe the funniest person I know. He is athletic and very tan thanks to his summer lifeguarding job, and is always up for a competition. He loves hard, and plays hard, and at night he is always up for cuddling me...well, after I beat him into submission. I don't even know how to put words to how much I adore him.

This past week me and the boys, plus Cara took a trip to Boyd's lake. He has a cabin right on the lake, equipped with a boat, wakeboard, tubes, skis, a tree swing, diving board, and dock. Perfect right? It gets better. This lake also turns into a river a few miles down from the cabin, and Boyd has kayaks and canoes for floating the river! So we set out on Tuesday morning, with canoes and kayaks, paddles and life-jackets, just in case. It was perfectly sunny and perfectly hot, not a cloud in the sky. The greatest day for a river float.

This float is about 5 hours long, but about 2.5 hours in we heard thunder and kind of shook it off, blaming it on cars crossing the bridge above us. However, about 15 minutes later we were forced to pull over on the bank because it was raining so hard. I am talking monsoon here people. The temperature dropped about 45 degrees in the course of 30 minutes, and I know this because every person was shivering to the point of uncontrollable visible shaking. Boyd's lips were blue and Jason was in the fetal position trying to stay warm. It started lightning and then HAILING! This is not a joke. So we constructed a make-shift 'tent' with our canoes and kayaks, arranging them into a teepee by the nearest tree.

Real safe huh? I was sitting under a metal canoe, which was propped up on a tree, drenched in water, as shots of electricity were being sent from heaven to the ground at the speed of light. Miserable was what it was. To make matters worse, we were still 2.5 hours from the end of the float, and at the particular place where we were stranded, we were something around 6 or 7 miles from any sort of road or civilization. We sat under the canoe for 2 hours huddling together trying to bank on body heat. Brent had his arms wrapped around me trying to stop the violent shaking, as I do not handle being cold well. I kept a smile on for the first hour, but after that it was all serious.

Cara was brink tears. Brent and I were really trying to get in touch with our Cherokee roots, and summon the powers of our ancestors to stop the rain. Brent even did a "no rain" dance. He is always so good about keeping everyone calm using his unbelievable sense of humor that keeps me in constant laughter. Brent is the only reason everyone wasn't in a complete panic, and I borderline fell in love with him in this moment. Eventually the hail subsided, and the rain calmed hours later, but as we emerged from our hide out, we saw the river rising at rapid pace. Within the course of 20 minutes, it probably rose 5 feet. It was like somebody opened the dam. We had to move our teepee up the beach because we were about to drown. The river was carrying FULL SIZE trees down its dangerous course, and the speed of the water was ripping around every corner. We are talking like class 5 Colorado white water rapids here. Even the boys were scared. They refused to go down the river at that speed. Here was the dilemma: what do we do? We were stranded in the middle of the woods, with no cell phones and no way to get home, and we couldn't continue the float due to the fact that we didn't have helmets, and we aren't pro kayakers/canoers. (I argued that point...as I like to think I am semi-pro.) but I was genuinely concerned. Cara and I hiked a nearby trail for an hour trying to find some sort of road or help and failed miserably. It led to nothing. Here is the trail (in the background).

So after 4-5 hours of being stranded, we decided to brave the rapids, we really didn't have a choice. Let me tell you, with no exaggeration whatsoever: we almost died. It was the funnest day of my life, but the boys did not agree. The canoers flipped their canoe 3 separate times, sending them in a panic down the river to rough the boulders and rapids alone. A sprained ankle and ALOT of bruises were gained from this experience. Me being in a kayak, I was on my own adventure in my head pretending to be fighting for my life down the white water rapids of Colorado, and nobody appreciated my extreme giggling as we were thrown from our kayaks over and over again. It is a miracle by the grace of God alone that no one was seriously injured, but I was just trying to make the best of things ya know? Plus it was fun, but don't tell them that I said that, because at the time it was certainly not. At one point we all went over a 4 foot waterfall that we didn't see coming, and all of us were sent down the river kayak-less, swimming frantically trying to catch our paddles. That was my favorite part. Again, nobody agreed. Another 4 hours later, and only 10 minutes prior to dark, we rounded the final bend of the river and saw Jake's car, parked and ready to take us to safety. The boys cheered and jumped in the river running full speed towards the miracle car, I laughed hysterically, Cara cried. It was epic, people, just epic.

That night we ate like Kings and Queens, high fiving constantly and re-capping the day countless times. Brent said we could have eaten cat-food that night and it would have been the best meal of our lives. I would disagree, but I got the point. Instead of cat-food, Brent grilled us steaks and chicken, with sautéed onions, corn and potatoes. Needless to say it was amazing. I just stood by the grill going on and on about how wonderful the heat felt. The next day was spent leisurely on the lake, tubing and wakeboarding and laying out. Pugh got owned on the tube a couple times, and came back missing some leg hair after losing a battle with a child's wakeboard. It was just the greatest.

Since then I have eaten lunch with all my best girl friends from High School. Spent entire days running around town with my mom. Watched movies. Eaten lunch with my high school coach. Swam at Boyd's house. Swam at 4 am at Jake's. Had a ping pong tournament, in which I was on team Cherokee Nation--(Brent and I found that we are the same generation from the same tribe of Native Americans and concluded that our great great great grandparents probably built teepees together in their loin cloths)--and we won the whole thing. Went out in sketchy Texarkana. Attended a wedding. Got snowcones at Southern Tropics 5 separate times. My big sister and mentor got engaged, and asked me to be a bridesmaid! Things have been good...mostly.

On a more serious note: I am moving to Denver Colorado in 25 days. 25 days and I am moving away from everything I know, everyone I love. I am moving there to do a Camp the Rockies DTS program, training for international mission work, and I know that I am going to absolutely love it. It is right up my alley. I am anticipating it to radically change my life. But it is in the unknown territory. I have no idea what to expect. I do not know a single person there. I am completely in foreign waters and my emotions are just really confused as to how to react. I am beyond stoked and excited out of my mind, and also just tremendously nervous at the same time. I am praying that God would calm my nerves and give me His peace that surpasses everything. I am praying that he would consume me and remind me that this was HIS plan. That He is in control, and that as long as He is with me I will be okay. I need Him. I am desperate for Him.

God has been so faithful to remove idols in my life, He has walked with me through these hard decisions and I have come out alive and stronger on the other side. Mind you, I am still walking through fire here, and will be for the remainder of the summer. I can feel the heat burning my skin; He has provided no temporary comfort for me. He is yet again showing me that HE is the only thing that I really need. God is so good for this. It is the most loving thing he could possibly do. He continues to whisper "trust me" over and over as I seek Him in the mornings. There are alot more words that I have on this subject, but as it stands its 2AM and I have to go work out with Carson in the morning. More on what God is doing later...its awesome.