Christmas Wishlist

Forewarning: This blog isn't going to be deep. Im not in a deep kind of mood, although if I sat here and dwelled on some stuff, I could get there almost instantly. But as it stands I am keeping MT company as she studies her life away, eating Christmas cookies at half past midnight. I'm really happy right now, although I would prefer to transport to Waco for the night, and road trip to College Station tomorrow for a tacky Christmas sweater party. Those are really my favorite. I would wear polka dotted leggings. And big grandma glasses....and KEDS. Of course keds.

No, instead of pouring my heart out into cyberspace, I am going to remain in the shallow end tonight, and give you my 2010 Christmas Wish List. Tis the season to be jolly. (none of the following items are a joke).

1. I want to dress/act/look like/sing like/BE Brooke Fraser. (Disregarding her newest music video for the single "Betty" which was an obvious disappointment.) She is clearly my role model, but she is just so freaking awesome. I mean granted this might seem like an unhealthy obsession.....and it is. Completely unhealthy obsession. But get off my back, at least I'm not modeling my life after Marilyn Manson. Or Barack Obama. HAHA....oops stepping on some toes there. .....Liberals, ahem. So whatever cut me some slack.

2. I want some magic shoes that will transport me to wherever I want to go, whenever I want to go. And they better be comfortable because I plan on wearing them alot. I assume they would be ruby red like in "The Wizard of Oz" and would probably fit something like Sketchers shape-ups because I am now wearing them outside of the workplace where black shoes are required because of their high comfort level and the fact that my booty is seriously going to be something fierce by the end of this holiday season. Yep I said it.

3. I want to REALLY be able to dance. Like real talk....and I am talking like real dance. Not like ballet. Ballet is gay. I am talking hip hop. I mean, I am a rock star at the 2-step (thanks to living in College Station) and the one other dance move that I laughingly call my "go to" move which I copied from dance professional herself, Becca Feagin. But seriously, I am like counting down the days until Step Up 3 comes out on DVD so I can try and mimic that girl's every move. I saw the movie in 3D with my friends Stephen and Sinque when I lived in Denver and left wanting to start my own dance crew and try out for So You Think You Can Dance. And actually...I can't dance, so that's why I am adding it to the wish list. I genuinely like dancing even though I probably look like a typical ex-cheerleader with clinched fists, and it doesn't help having athletics as my only background for coordination. Shockingly enough being a pro-dribbler in basketball doesn't prepare you for the pop lock & drop. WHO KNEW!?

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2734556697/

4. I want a pedicure. I would like my toes painted with white tips, French style. Because I like looking at my feet when my toes have paint on them. And I want this pedicure to be with a great friend who will chat with me about how much it tickles when they use that scrubber on the bottom of my feet.

5. I want a money tree. Much like the giving tree, but instead of me chopping it down to a stump and sitting on it when I am old, I would just prefer its leaves to be usable cash. And I would water it and take care of it and make sure it gets plenty of sunshine and in return, it would pay me. Why is that so much to ask?


6. I want all my best friends to live within 30 minutes of me. And I want to live in Denver, Colorado. So in conclusion, I want all of my best friends to move to Denver.

7. I want my own snowboard, and matching gear. I want to have like really cool snowboarding gear...the kind that when people see me, they think, "wow she must be like a legit x-games snowboarder." And while I am on this kick....I would like to actually be an x-games snowboarder. And I would sport one of these beanies as I conquered the half pipe.

8. I want Whole Foods to cater all of my meals, and provide me with lots of organic healthy foods, and cool contraptions like juicers and food processors and teach me to cook, so that I can become a gourmet chef. Some nights I am going to just want the chef himself, because I will be tired from snowboarding and not want to cook. But on the nights that I have enough energy, I legitimately want to learn how to cook, well. And then I will make yummy food with all of my cute matching cookware, and invite all of my friends over to my house to eat dinner and watch movies and swap Christmas presents, like the ornament exchange that my high school besties are currently in the middle of.

9. I want sweat pants to become the newest hip clothing. But since Hollywood will never submit to that, I want someone to come pick out my outfits that have been given to me by Anthropologie or Urban Outfitters every morning. I cant promise that I will forfeit the sweat pants every day.....but on some days, seeing that a cute outfit was layed out on my dresser, I would at least try it on. Does anyone remember the Disney Channel Original Movie "Smart House"......yea, BINGO.

10. I want an unlimited amount of Spiced Chai Tea Latte's, preferably from Lollicup, but Starbucks will suffice.

11. I want to own an Interior Design shop, where I can personally decorate people's houses to look like they came straight out of Southern Living Magazine. The first employee I would hire would be my aunt Trudy, who already does a great job of decorating her own house to mimick the style. I think that would be a really fun career to have, kind of like the one that I stalk via THIS BLOG. I am excited beyond excited to decorate my little house in Denver (when I get it). That is FUN for me...I mean not like bungee jumping at six flags kind of fun, but still the kind that I probably wont be able to sleep the night before.


12. I want a dog. Maybe a labradoodle, like Brittany Forrester's dog. I want it to be big and playful, but I do not want it to smell like a dog. Brittany's dog, Avery, is big and brown and curly haired and she smells, feels, and really looks like a blanket. She is my favorite dog ever. And she doesnt pee or bark incessantly. She just is obedient and perfect and cute. So actually, I was just wondering if Avery could have a puppy....what do you think Beef?

13. I want chicken minis from Chik-Fil-A to win some kind of Holiday Award of some sort. Like maybe, "Best breakfast treat EVER" award. I really think they deserve it, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't let it go to their heads.

14. I want to run a half marathon. I know that it's possible, but it seems so hard to get to a point where running 13 miles is do-able. So actually I want the motivation to train to run a half marathon first. And I want to run it somewhere that I can look around at pretty scenery or something to distract me from the more common thoughts that come to me while running like: "omg my legs are going to fall off" or "am I going to collapse?" or "if I just ran off of the trail and into the woods would anyone notice that I dropped out of the race/would I know how to get back to my car and cry?" I want to run this half marathon in 2011...but that is more of a resolution which I will save for a later blog post.

15. I want unlimited supply of those little Christmas tree cakes.

16. I want cute festive socks. A different pair for every day of December. And I need them to be extra warm, since I am moving to the arctic.

17. I want to build an igloo in the snow. I had never even heard of building igloos in the snow, nor did I even know it was POSSIBLE until my friend Savannah informed me of this winter time phenomenon. And seeing that I am moving to a snowy wonderland, I see this as being possible in my near future.

18. I want to be inspiring with the way that I live. I want to constantly invade earth with heaven, proclaiming the gospel with the way that I love. I want to prove by my life that Jesus is real, can save, and transforms. That life with Him is the only satisfaction we will ever find. I want to be radical with my actions. (WHOOPS just almost slipped into the deep end there.)

19. I want to go to a bonfire (and we're back to the kiddie pool). At this bonfire, I want to roast s'mores and drink hot cocoa. I want to wear festive scarfs and hats and ugg boots even though its only 50 degrees in Texas on our coldest day. And I want someone to take alot of pictures this night so we can remember how much fun we had and over-sensationalize it later in the year.

20. I WANT IT TO BE CHRISTMAS!! And for Christmas to never end! And for Santa to come! And to wear matching pajamas with my whole family that we opened in our stockings the night before. And I want it to snow in Texas (thats asking alot). And I want to be cozy and happy and all of these things....keeping in mind that we are celebrating Jesus!!

So there you have it. The most selfish "I want" blog ever. And I really do want all of these things, all kidding aside. Merry almost Christmas. I hope everyone is having a super happy holiday season.

This I know, for the Bible Tells Me So

I am currently in what I like to call a “pity me” mode. Fiona Gifford, the one person who I would literally move anywhere in the world to be mentored by, told me that our ears need to hear our mouths speak truth and our eyes need to see it written. Seems like thanks to Fiona and the help of my closest sources of accountability that God is asking me to speak truth into myself. Especially seeing that I am presumably at a weak place. My least favorite and first step is telling God how I really feel and admitting the sin and wickedness of my own heart, acknowledging that I have again fallen short of His glory. Usually this is the time to go ahead and announce that I still have strands of idolatry in my heart that desperately need redeeming. A feat only God can accomplish.

So tonight I am admitting straight up that I am not worthy of my place in the kingdom, and only thanks to Jesus Christ can I stand blameless before the throne. I am saying out loud that there are things and people that I love more than I love the God who created me; that my rebellious heart still pleads for the things of this world to attempt to fill its void, although my rational mind knows better. Yet my heart often wins the war as I try again and again to cram relationships and everything else into the gaping hole that never loses its appetite for more, and is never satisfied.

David Marvin gave a talk one summer at Kanakuk about the process of self examination and its painful process. Oh how I wish I could look away from the mirror that I must look in. I wish that I could go on living in sweet oblivion and pushing all my problems to the side, sweeping them under the rug. But then you have a lumpy rug and you eventually trip and fall down. So thanks to that lumpy rug reasoning, and the fact that I am ABSOLUTELY a dweller, I instead am forced to deal with my emotions at face value and here is where I get really thankful for a perfect God:

Isaiah 55:8-9 says “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my thoughts higher than your thoughts and my ways higher than your ways.”

WELL PRAISE THE LIVING GOD. The bible commands us over and over again to renew our minds. What does that even mean? Like I wish God would just zap me from the heavens and I would automatically be holy and function in a manner only worthy of Christ. Seriously, lightning bolt into my head and make me Godly. For some reason I dont think it works that way, and Fiona says that we are responsible for our own thoughts. It is our responsibility to capture sinful thoughts, rebuke lies, and replace them with what is true and of God. God never condemns but only convicts. And if our thoughts are not in sync with the thoughts of God, they are not worthwhile to dwell on. So me, being a dweller (as Brittney is so faithful to remind me), I have to choose to dwell only on things that hold absolute truth. So LETS DO THIS. Here is what I absolutely KNOW:

I know that I have a God who loves me. I have a belief system where I can have absolute certainty of my salvation. My sole purpose is to bring glory to the Almighty God.

I know that I have eternal security.I know where I am going and its GOOD. The end of this story turns out very well, and for this I am thankful that the world and its depravity is the only hell that I will ever have to experience. ("He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4)

I know that there is nothing I can do to make my God love me any more or any less than He does at this moment. There is no failure or disaster than can shake his love for me.

I know that every day is a new day, and every act of repentance is a new beginning.

I know that Jesus Christ died for me, for the atonement of my sins, providing the entirety of my belief system. I know that He rose from the dead, is seated at the right hand of God, and He is coming again. OH GLORIOUS DAY.

I know that the Holy Spirit enables me to be different than I used to be. He IS renewing my mind and slowly walking me through both victories and failures, molding me. I know that I will be different tomorrow thanks to the promised progressive sanctification of the Lord.

I know that God speaks to me through the scriptures, through music, through His still soft voice. I know that he longs to speak to me and guide my footsteps. I know that His words are like living water and serve as constant affirmation, the only kind that really fills me up.

I know that I have a family who loves me, adores me. A support system of seven lunatics who will stand by my side no matter what, through think and thin. Who will help keep me busy when I cant get control of my own thoughts (insanityyyy). And all who serve the same victorious God.

To get specific I know that I have a sister who is the best person in the world and who gives me the BEST advice, even if most of the time its to “chill out” and not worry so much. Brittney keeps me on my toes and loves me the way Christ calls each of us to love.

I know that I have a brother who is my hero and is setting an example with his life that I love and respect more than he will ever know. Carson is my hero.

I know that I have friends that are absolutely the icing on the cake in this life. I have accountability like none other and friends that will love me through my craziness. I have new friends and old friends and mostly small friends actually. I have some friends from kamps and some from college and some from when I was 10 years old. I have friends that push me towards the cross. I know that I can call them when I am in a frenzy and they will speak life into me and not death. I know that I can rely on them through all the storms of life.

I know that I am healthy and have no serious ailments. I am blessed.

I know that God will be faithful to complete the good work he started in me. (Philippeans 1:6)

I know that God has a plan for my life to prosper me and not to harm me. (Jeremiah 29:11) I know that He is in control at all times in every situation regardless of how it looks/feels.

I know that the God of the Universe is in relentless pursuit of me regardless of me completely.

Knowing and living truth must be synonymous. Obedience is a reflection of how well we know our Creator. God can be included and reign sovereign over our rationale, reasoning, and thoughts. We, being created in the image of Him, are but an echo of the living God. So tonight, once again I am choosing joy. Here is one reason why:

Because I am sitting in the room that I share with my little brother. He has his shirt off while he is studying so he can glance at his newly developed muscles from time to time in the mirror. I giggle at him and admire him. He just told me a story for 10 minutes about how he can talk his way out of bad grades sometimes, and that’s why its okay that he didn’t start studying until AFTER we watched 3 episodes of Criminal Minds. I get to spend an entire month with this boy who I love all the way down to my toes. This boy calls me his big sister and I found him in my bed when I walked in tonight, ready to snuggle me. So tonight the truth of the matter is that I am blessed. So stinkin blessed that its too much for my little heart to take in. In this moment I know that truth from the Lord overrides any lies of insecurity that the enemy has whispered in my ear all day long.

This is the excerpt of a blog post of a girl I don’t know, but she’s spot on (Thanks MT): “I think this is a life-long season, and having a renewed mind is a full-time job. I can't afford to be lackadaisical about it. Its amazing how the more I clear out of my head that isn't of God, the more open space He has to fill with things that are of God. And the best news is, God doesn't hold grudges. So if one day I'm really bad at renewing my mind, we're still on speaking terms the next morning, and He is just as willing, wanting, that I might have the mind of Christ.”

I LOVE THAT. I love that even when we suck BAD, we can start the next day again anew, with a loving, patient God who is not holding a grudge at our past failures. Oh if I could even fathom a love like His. The more and more I come to terms with the way that God really loves me, I look at life differently. The gospel, when understood, absolutely changes you. It rocks me to my core. Because I can find my emotional security in this God, in Christ's achievement for me, I can admit my wrongs and weaknesses without feeling deflated.

"...you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind and put on the new self which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth." Ephesians 4:22-24

See? Already I am out of pity me mode and into: 'OH God thank you so much' mode. Speak truth. Rebuke lies. Enjoy life people. Enjoy the ups and downs and the good times and bad. Drink it in, because we are but the morning dew, here today and gone today. So buckle up and choose joy. Not to mention, a calm sea isnt the goal in life...it's the excpetion. God makes waves. Us too.

I Could Listen Forever

Music is one thing that I think proves the existence of a divine creator God. Music in its shear beauty has the ability to completely reconstruct a down day, move me to tears, and convict my heart all at the same time. I am a sucker for good lyrics, and can just get sent overboard on a good melody with some meaningful truths keeping its rhythm. Music gets me through some days. Lyrics affirm and validate my emotions. Its like when I listen to good music, I start craving its source. I crave more of its sound, I want it to fill me and flow through me. And yet the music is not what I crave, but only an indicator of something greater. I want to experience music in a way that my human body prevents me from doing. I think that when we get to spend eternity with God we will get to taste, see, smell, touch, AND hear music in all of its rhythmic perfection. We will probably experience in many more ways than we can even imagine. A blissful epitome of a paradise that we cannot even imagine.

C.S. Lewis puts it nicely. "The books or the music in which we thought beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it [beauty] was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing stirred up within us. These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past, the music—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."

Oh how I long for the creator of something as beautiful as music. I long to meet it's author; the musical, lyrical, genius who never runs out of words, and is limited by nothing. The echos of what my heart desires are overwhelming.

Here are some excellent vessels that the Lord uses to capture the heart of his grateful daughter...take some time this December to worship the God who created beauty in sound. All of these are what I consider good cold weather music.

1. MUMFORD AND SONS
Mumford and Sons stands as my favorite right now (although the position changes on a weekly basis). If you dont know about Mumford & Sons, please do yourself a favor and just buy their entire album entitled "Sigh No More". I would also suggest building a bonfire while you are waiting on the CD to download from iTunes. Invite your friends, have a drink, roast s'mores and listen to Mumford....watch these videos for a glimpse of their greatness:

Winter Winds
The Cave
Little Lion Man
White Blank Page


2. BROOKE FRASER
Brooke (we are on a first name basis, since I follow her on twitter) just came out with a new album this fall entitled "Flags" and it is a MUST HAVE. But you need every Brooke Fraser song ever written. Plan on getting convicted by her lyrics, and please let Brooke turn any dreary day around. Her music can put a positive spin on most any situation. My favorites are:
C.S. Lewis Song
Albertine
Something in the Water
Betty
Coachella
Faithful

3. THE AVETT BROTHERS
I am reminded of my good friend, Erin everytime that I listen to the Avetts, and they played a concert in Denver while I was in Colorado. Please listen to them with an open mind all you close-minded music lovers...start with something like "I and Love and You" and please download "The Ballad of Love and Hate" for the most brilliant lyrics. "November Blue" is one of my favorites, and end with "The Weight of Lies."

4. INGRID MICHAELSON
Sweetest voice ever, and the cutest lyrics of all! PLEASE listen to "You and I" and giggle at how fun it would be if the lyrics came true. And of course "The Winter Song" and "Morning Lullabies". All of her stuff is best recieved while drinking a hot spiced chai tea in a quaint coffee cup with low lighting. I mean, if you want to do it right....do it right. You also probably want a cozy couch and a good book. Here's a glimpse:

Maybe

5. IRON AND WINE
Another coffee shop band, and also the perfect music to cuddle to. This is more of a sleepy band, but it reminds me of December cold and getting snuggley in bed. This band gives me the same feeling as when, after a long day, I take a shower (in the winter) and get all clean, shave my legs, slip into my PJs and run and jump in the bed, shivering and immediately assuming the fetal position to get warm. Its the feeling you get when the chills start to go away and you are so thankful for your mattress, your blankets, and glorious combination of the two, providing a glimpse of warmth. Of course you have to stretch and pull the covers up right under your nose to get the full effect. This image makes me happy and I'd definitely want Iron and Wine playing in the background during the entire scenario. Here's what you need:
He Lays in the Reigns
Each Coming Night
The Trapeze Swinger
Naked As We Came

6. ALEXI MURDOCH
Ah if anyone has seen the movie "Away We Go" and recognized the epic soundtrack, its basically all Alexi. This is my favorite music to fall asleep to, preferably in a hammock under the stars. And of course a campfire, a fuzzy blanket, and some big wooly socks keping me warm. Say hello to the Alexi Murdoch serenade session:
Blue Mind
Song For You
Orange Sky
All My Days

7. RAY LAMONTAGNE
If I could only listen to one music artist for the rest of my life....I would be extremely tempted to choose Ray LaMontagne. He is a classic, and if you dont have his stuff, shame on you. Side note, his music may or may not make you girls want to date a tall scruffy boy who can sing and play guitar and wears plaid...or maybe that is only me? Regardless, I always get the urge to slow dance when his songs are playing. I think it would be a good time to do a slow motion scene, scrolling through good memories of the two of us....that is, if my life were a movie. Here's what you need:
Can I Stay
Trouble
Be Here Now
Hold You In My Arms
Hannah

8. JON FOREMAN
Newly discovered best artist ever, thanks and all credit to Kelsea Leacox. Jon Foreman stands as a musical genius in my book and I love him so much I can hardly stand it. Literally cannot get enough of this guy, and he shares my appreciation and awe for the God of the Bible. We looked up the verses in the bible that some of his songs are based off of and he just really hit the nail on the head here. PLEASE listen:
House of God Forever
Your Love is Strong
In My Arms
Southbound Train
My Love Goes Free

9. JOSHUA RADIN
Beautiful voice. Absolutely beautiful and smooth and perfect. You should go on a night drive by yourself with the windows down and turn on some Joshua Radin. Make SURE the windows are down, and if its cold put on a scarf and hat, bundle up and let the crisp winter air bite your cheeks. Listen to "Star Mile" first, and then all of these:
Closer
Winter
No Envy No Fear
"They Bring me to You" is something that I am hoping I can say (because I cant sing) to my husband one day...ah its so sweet.

10. COLDPLAY
The most classic of cold weather bands. Get the CD titled "Parachutes" first, and then get every single other album. Get a group of friends together, bake something and make apple cider. Wear cute scarfs and exchange Christmas ornaments or something....whatever you do, put Coldplay on the stereo. I am not even going to list songs because you need to have them all. This is a no exception cold weather band.

You are welcome for your newest December playlist. Bundle up, and enjoy!

Extracted Ramblings

I am not sure how to get words onto paper. My thoughts are not comprehendible and the thought of picking one from the canvas of my heart and mind seems about as daunting as picking out the banana from a strawberry pineapple banana smoothie like the ones we had so often in Costa Rica. So as I extract random thoughts from the blender of a brain that I have, please forgive the randomness. And welcome once again to my chaotic anarchy.

Since being back in the States, I look at things differently. I look at relationships differently. I look at my money and what I spend it on differently. I look at my struggles differently. In retrospect, I don’t think any of these things are different but on the contrary…I am different. I am the thing that has changed. I came back to everything and everyone being as they were before I left. And yet here I am in many circumstances that look NOTHING like they did 6 months ago.

I am the most un-motivated person ever right now. No thanks to the holiday based on eating your life away. Feeling a little too blimp-like.

I really cant get this truth in my mind: “We are saved by grace ALONE. Through faith ALONE. And the faith to believe in that grace is given to us by God so that NOBODY has ANYTHING to boast about except for GOD. It means that salvation belongs to God and that you by your behavior cannot save yourself. You doing these things and not doing these things does not magically give you right-standing before God. If you will stand holy before God, it will require an act of God and praise His name on the cross, He did it. It is by Christ’s merit alone that we can stand holy before God. We ONLY have the blood of Christ to plead before God. This absolutely frees you up to pursue God whole heartedly.” My actions do not display a real deep deep belief in this truth that I do not have to earn my right standing before God.

I am so accustomed to performance based faith that it is so hard for me to understand unconditional love. This gets reflected all too often in my personal life. I am trying very hard to love like Christ loves. But the prayer that God would show me how to love like He loves is a hard prayer to pray. Especially when you know first hand what it feels like to LOVE your heart out and get nothing in return. Its gut wrenching. And yet this is how God loves me. It is my PRIVELEDGE to love others the same way.

Its still baffling to me that the God of the Universe is in relentless pursuit of me regardless of my response. That frustrates me. And at the same time it brings me to my knees in absolute awe and worship of a God who possesses and gives perfect love. I cannot fathom this kind of love, especially in a world that makes love always seem so conditional.

I physically FEEL bad when I do not spend an adequate amount of time with the Lord on a daily basis. I am dry and empty and irritable and antsy. I need God all day every day and I need TIME with Him just us two. Shocking that I am just now coming to this conclusion. A tiny glimpse at the idiocy of my heart.

Seeing that the above paragraph has not been fulfilled this week, I am really pessimistic. God save me from myself.

I am blown away with thankfulness for the people that God has placed in my life. My family consists of 7 of my favorite people in the world. But we are messed up. Oh we are such a beautiful disaster, a team made up of tragically broken people. I kid you not, we are a bunch of wack jobs. We have stints with major sins running through the veins of each of us, but together we are GOOD. Brittney Carson, my mom, and I sat on her bed last night and talked about life and God for hours last night. We came to the conclusion that life is hard and God is good. Regardless of circumstance and even when life does not make any sense. And as I sat around a dining table laughing and talking with these 7 broken people who LOVE our God I was overwhelmed with gratefulness to the God who divinely designed and placed each of us here.

On top of the magnificent seven, I have friends that love me with the love of Christ. I do not have a huge quantity of friends but my core group are QUALITY. It matters. Sarah Nash, my newfound YWAM friend from Australia encourages me like God encourages me. She LISTENS to me and asks questions. She seems very interested in everything I say, then validates my emotions, and offers her opinion, even when it differs from what I think. She PUSHES me towards the cross, and the reason I love our friendship so much is that it is a beautiful reflection of what my relationship with God looks like. Three other YWAM girls I could echo this praise. I can tear up at the mercy God has show me and lavished blessings on me through my 6 months in Denver/Panama/Costa Rica. Megan Templin is another prime example of the Lord’s love for me. Our relationship shows me that God is GOOD and that He loves me. I love God more for creating Megan and am beyond blessed that I get to call her my best friend. And of course Becca Feagin shows me that God loves me enough that He cannot leave me where I am. That I need progressive sanctification CONSTANTLY. Becca loves me HARD and loves me in a way that hurts sometimes, but ALWAYS leads me into a deeper appreciation of who God is and how merciful He is. I am seriously tearing up. I sometimes take for granted the wonderful relationships that I get to call my own.

My WICKED heart can sometimes disregard all of the blessings that I am so eternally grateful for just because one relationship is strained. My thoughts so quickly try and dwell on what is wrong, what hurts, and what isn’t easy before it wanders to what is easy. And me being analytical, I will make myself miserable trying to fix whatever problem is haunting me for the hour. I say hour because it can change within sixty minutes. I am so up and down and that makes me feel unstable. I do not like not being in control. Anyways this is my apology to the God who loves me and sends me things and relationships to better me regardless of the occasional pain that they bring me. Taking time to sit and think of all that I am thankful for is something good I have to say for this November holiday.

I want to love God more than I do. But there are parts of my heart that I do not always want to submit to him. I want more God. I long for it.

The fact that I am not consumed with idolatry in the form of co-dependency is BIZARRE. I don’t know how to explain it. I cried MULTIPLE times throughout outreach because of my heart acknowledging its freedom from the sin that owned me for so very long. There is no explanation of how I got to a point of freedom outside of the GRACE and MERCY of God. I didn’t know what it felt like to be free. And here I am walking in some degree of freedom. Oh our God is so good, so massively powerful, so gloriously triumphant over sin! Sin has no power over us anymore. Hallelujah.

I am tired. My last thought of the night concludes with exhaustion. Sorry for the maze through my head. Honesty though, is another thing that I have become very acquainted with lately. So honestly….Im not THAT sorry. And honestly God is the reason I can be thankful for anything. God has provided. God has given and taken away, praise be the name of the Lord. I am thankful for HIS grace, HIS mercy, HIS love. And a lot of times in my life those things have manifested in family, friendships, food, music, and sunshine. So thankful tonight.

Happy Turkey Day

Painful Liberation

I blog to you in a place that is beyond description. My fingers are sticking to the age old keyboard in the Internet cafe that looks alot like a run down hostel with computers in it. I am thankful for this place. A taste of the comfort of technology that I am currently on a fast from here in Panama. Things are going well here. God is showing me things about myself especially that I never EVER knew, and things about Himself that I need to know. Its amazing the things you learn when you are being stretched past your breaking point. Here is my account of the latest test that God brought me through and the most scared I have ever been in my life.

Excerpt from my scribbled journal:

¨6 hours later into the what was supposed to be a 3 hour drive, I was irritable to put it nicely. My friends would probably describe my state as more of a rage. This is actually a better depiction of the unbearable situation at hand. We were sardined into a tiny white van, one that was constantly on the verge of a breakdown, trapezing through the Darian jungle-we were informed later that it is the most dense jungle in the Western Hemisphere. Even more than the Amazon. How did I get here? Seems like yesterday I was looking out my window to view the beautiful Colorado landscape and now I am having a back and butt pain like never before as I moaned at the sweat that was rolling down my face. Headphones and the sweet sound of Brooke Fraser was the only thing keeping me sane. When the rickity van finally came to a halt at the ¨Happy Hostel¨I was thankful momentarily unknowing of what lay ahead of me. As I stumbled out of the cramped van, I landed in a puddle of mud and looked around to witness the most sketch excuse for a hostel that I could possibly imagine. No movie depicting life in a slum could have prepared me for the sight...and worse, the stench. Talk about bad dream. Shrugging, and past the point of caring, I caught eye contact with Sarah who was equally disgusted, not to mention car sick. Thank God for Dramamine. This look sent us into an eruption of delirious laughter knowing that there was no other emotion except tears that we could conjure up. As we walked single file through the mud into the slum/shack hotel we held our breath. Erin, Sarah, and I were handed a key attached to a tiny pool ball and directed to Room 7. No words can describe what we saw when we finally jingled our lock loose. We entered our room about the size of a common sized bathroom to find an even worse stench. There was a mattress covered with a sheet that had positively never been introduced to soap. Apparently two bigfoots straight from the depths of the jungle, covered in soot and their own feces had made love there only moments before our arrival. (Thank meg for that analogy). Erin, on the verge of tears, whipped out our rolled up 1/2 inch blue mattresses for camping and layed them over the bed. Thank god for the blue mats. I made the mistake of asking Matt if the situation was even sanitary, a comment that was not received well to say the least. It seemed like a perfectly logical question seeing that things looked as if STDs, AIDS, and lice were a guranteed assurance just from walking in the door. This jank place made pee-stained sheets from Motel 6 look like a 5 star luxury resort. Upon our surrender to the situation, we slept for only 4 hours before Cathy, our trusty translator, was rapping on our door. It was 4am and time to wake up. Thanks Cathy, not like we were asleep anyways seeing that the task was near impossible. Spooning in filth harldly provides any kind of rest. So we packed up yet again and re-entered the van of death. Tears filled my eyes as I took my place by the window to continue our journey. Another 2 hours in the van and we arrived at a ¨port¨ as they called it. I would call it a hell hole of a slum that you prolly never leave. 48 bug bites and 2 hours later and we were lugging our bags down a questionable ramp to load onto 2 very small canoe-boats. Only 4 hours later than planned. YWAM theme--flexibility. I grabbed an extra lifejacket to sit on, but that was quickly stolen from me. Comfort was not to be considered and was definitely not to be expected. So my butt was made acquainted with the plastic bench seat that was speckled with black and white paint. At least they tried as far as decoration goes. Fail. This so called ¨boat ride¨was an absolute DISASTER from the moment I stepped foot onto its shaky bow. I could all out cry just recalling the entire event. The boat I named ¨My own personal definition of hell on earth.¨ And yet there I was, setting out for the Pacific ocean with only a trolling motor and a silent Embero tribal man who knew zero English and was only vaguely familiar with our upcoming route. It wasnt 5 minutes before the rain started and my logical self wore only a tank top and shorts...no rain gear. For crying out loud, Ally, you are in the tropics during hurricane season. You´d think common sense would have graced me with a poncho. Hardly. Shivering incessantly, I looked around to find the Pacific waves growing in size. I death-gripped the side of the canoe, digging my fingernails in as hard as possible. Keep in mind...we are in a tiny boat, trekking through FREEZING rain, with a destination unknown, and only considered by our imaginations. As the waves crashed over the side of the boat, drenching me in a salty ice bath, hopelessness became my most prominent emotion. I literally was in fear for my life as the waves took our tiny canoe captive to their mighty power. Freezing, sore, exhausted, and nauseous, I started to cry to find Sarah with her arm around me reassuring me that things were going to be okay. Sarah is a liar. Things were not okay. But as if this situation could get any worse, I looked to see Boat #2 flagging us down. The unthinkable had happened. Their motor had broken down. Once again let me recap: middle of the Pacific ocean, braving massive waves, tiny boat, and now we are short a motor. I mean hell, just throw us some paddles and we will make it to Sambu in 2 weeks. Scratch that we will die of thirst seeing that we had no water, and no food. This is the point of no return. Coming full circle, we looped around to aid our stranded team mates. Quick fix and we would be on our way right? We should be so lucky. Side note, we only brought enough gas to get us there, and we were past halfway. Boat rocking with the waves, as the Embero tribal men performed surgery on canoe 2, I was joined in my nausea by the vast majority of my team. Also just to throw in an extra tid bit, we were in a constant race against time attempting to keep our own boat afloat seeing that we found a hole in the front bottom. We decided amidst the frantic water shoveling tha tthe motor was going to take time and sure...we had plenty. Anchors away people, we are legit stranded. As we watched our tribal chief, Tulio, chunk the metal anchor over the side of the boat, we kissed that thing goodbye as the ocean darkness enveloped its newest permanent resident. Turns out in order for an anchor to work properly, it must be attached by rope to the boat. Who knew. Typical though, we are again captive to the sea. In order to avoid tears and an all out panic attack breakdown, I took a nap snuggled under a tarp and wedged between some baggage. Next thing I knew we were making a pit stop at Pelican Island for a pee and puke break and to conserve gas. The island was named by Sarah after the massive amounts of Pelicans who found their nested homes on its rocky shore. I called it the Island of Desperation because at this point the Pelicans were more being considered for dinner. The girls took a group trip behind a rock, IE the bathroom, and there we squatted, bare butt and all, and totally without a care. Eventually we came to the consensus that the motor was unfixable. Shocker there, and obviously the only remedy was to combine the gas and TOW boat 2 behind boat with hole in hull. Brilliant. About 5 minutes into the towing extravaganza, the rope snapped. As if we expected anything but tragedy at this point. We reattached another unreliable rope and looked up to see the perfect storm approaching, waves growing, rain intensifying. This is when I absolutely hit rock bottom. I was convinced that I was going to die on September 24 on the Pacific ocean wearing my Think Theta shirt. Cripes. I gage rock bottom because I was actually mastermining some kind of plan to somehow SOS Betsy to send a plane to pick my happy tail up. I was over this. I wanted to go home. Assuming my smoke signals were unlikely to reach Texarkana, Texas and assuming that I had no means of creating smoke, I instead called out a desperate cry of help to the God that holds the sea in the palm of His hand. This knowledge should have brought more comfort than it did. Blinking away tears was a lost cause and I instead transistioned into an all out weep. The few of us on boat with hole began singing, screaming any worship song that we could thnk of both for reasons of self comfort and also, seeing that we were presumably doomed, we might as well make a grand exit, praising God amidst our storm. This is when the corporate group realized how many worship songs refrence the ocean or the waves. In order to keep some kind of peace, we switched up some lyrics just in case God was taking us literally at our words. ¨The mountains bow down and the sea will QUIET please God please...at the sound of your name¨etc. I tearfully watched as another 3 hours crept by and it looked as if we were making no progress but burning alot of gas. The 10mph speed limit thanks to the boat in tow was making our trip move at glacier pace. However, a few trillion prayers later and an extended amount of time went by and we caught a glimpse of the mouth of the river--a miracle according to the facial expression of our silent Embero boat driver. He claimed our destination was only 2-3 more hours away. PSH, time means nothing to these people. Either that or we measure it in different increments. Sarah, while trying to regain optimism, declared that although the rain was freezing on our skin, at least we had our 3rd degree sunburns to warm us up. Sadly, this was true. Bizzarely enough, near the equator the sun is just as powerful even when masked with torrential downpour and cloud cover. No one can claim this with as much painful honesty as Kristin. I glanced over to see her reflecting a ruby sunburn, but still as always...smiling. On the contrary to smiling, sitting next to her was Erin, who´s face looked more like she had just been informed that she was to be drug behind a truck by her feet and then dipped into a pool of acid. Had she been given a weapon I would have feared for the lives of those around her. But really I couldnt decide if I thought she was going to cry or scream. Maybe both, simultaneously. On the upside, I declared that if the Fark guerrillas did kidnap us in the jungle, it was more likely that they would hold us for ransom rather than kill us. Thats if we ever make it alive out of the canoe, which in my mind was highly doubtful. But alas, as we passed by a hut on the shore, the Embero men began a conversation that seemed to have a hopeful Spanish tone. I looked up an hour later to see a group of people motioning us to the bank of the river. Holy crap had we made it? 26 hours from departure and we had actually made it to Sambu. An infinite amount of emotions flooded my being, preceded with thankfulness, which sent me into an entire other form of hysterics. As we docked the canoe a topless woman straight from the cover of National Geographicc grabbed my probably 50lb bag and tossed it over her shoulder. She walked away babbling in another language insinuating that I should follow her. I just stared in astonishment and obeyed, following her bare footsteps into the depths of the jungle, the end of one ¨so called¨adventure, and a unique beginning to yet another one among the Embera tribes of Sambu.

God is doing big things here. Please know that I am loving it, even though that story had a negative tone to it. I learned more in that one day about the God who loves me than I have learned in 5 years in the states. I am excited to see how He continues to work. It has been hard and amazing all at the same time. Come God, come!

Please be in prayer for my team as we continue to embark on our adventure in Panama! We have 2 more weeks here and our time is FILLED to the brim. Pray for safety and that God would use us in mighty ways!!!! I love all of you more than you know.

September 18-19 Itinerary

Here I am looking around at what has been my home for the last 3 months, beautiful Colorado. Seems like forever ago and like just yesterday that I packed my car and left Texas to drive to the Promise Land. This morning was dedicated to worship and prayer over our team and our trip. Here is my itinerary for the next 24 hours:

2pm: Graduation for Secondary Schools; crying for the 2nd time today about Anna leaving to go back to Australia/Hong Kong. Already balled my eyes out this morning when she prayed over me. Going to miss her wisdom more than I know how to put into words.

3:30pm: LAST DAY OF HOUSEKEEPING FOREVER. There is a God.
5:30pm: Last American dinner. Obviously I will choose Panera.
7:30pm: Goodbye conversation commencement.
9:00pm: Appointed bed time….not going to happen.

4:00am: WAKE UP. (Will prolly already be awake) Shower. FREAK OUT.
5:00am: Drive to Denver airport
8:00am: Flight #1 leaves.
11:00am: Flight #1 lands in Houston, TX
2:00pm: Flight #2 leaves for PANAMA.
7:00pm: LAND IN PANAMA...Mission outreach trip begins.

Exciting 24 hours to say the least. Maybe I will update again later tonight, but currently I am on the phone with my little sister who I am going to miss the most.

Make New Friends, Keep the Old

My thoughts are a jumbled mess as I write to you in a state of utter delirium. It’s 3:02AM as I begin this post. Alexi Murdoch is serenading me with his best song, “Blue Mind”. I have it set on Genius playlist, and this is my 4th time through iTunes’ best selections. I have been sitting at this computer having conversations full of depth, via the tips of my fingers linked with my heart. It’s horrible what this world has come to. Its also wonderful, knowing that without cyberspace I wouldn’t have had a chance to be encouraged tonight by one of the most Godly women I know, Rita O’Connor. The fact that I could not sit beside her, hug her, see her…makes it much more impersonal than I’d like. Technology also positively provides a mask of wit, a cleverness that I only possess through a keyboard. Talked for hours tonight with a DTS boy downstairs about ramblings of music, life, and rhetoric. I like him even more at the end of the conversation than I did at the beginning.

Here is where my heart lies tonight. I am having a really hard time accepting the childhood reality that we must “make new friends, but keep the old”. For some reason, that piece of advice seemed to go in one ear and out another until recently when its becoming too harsh a reality for me. Allow me to explain:

In the first grade, I would have bet you a thousand dollars that I could beat you in a race, and that Cara Rochelle would be my best friend forever. I probably would have beat you in a race…I was fast as a 6 year old. As for Cara—she is still one of my very good friends. But I talk to Cara only once every month or two and most all communication is written or read on a computer screen….or iPhone.



In the 7th grade, my bridesmaids in my wedding with Andrew Summersett consisted of Ashton Requarth, Bethany Lanier, and Megan Elliott. I claimed that I would NEVER find friends better than my BAAM group. (Beth, Ash, Ally, Meg) Life was good as we ate tons of cookie dough and played games and truth or dare until the wee hours of every Saturday morning. Today, I couldn’t tell you where Megan is or what she is doing. And I talk to Ashton and Bethany usually twice a year. Still friends, but sleepovers are a thing of the past along with Andrew Summersett.



Ali Burrow and Emily Middleton were the high school bests, a mere 4 years ago. I haven’t talked to Ali in 3 of those 4 years. Saw her for one night here lately on a whim, but chances are I wont see her again for a long time. And while Emily is still one of my very, very good friends, it’s also a rarity that I get an opportunity to talk to even her. Each time I speak to or see her it’s so encouraging and puts me in a alternate reality that we are still 17 years old. Then, at some point, my actual reality proves the other one false.


And what about Sunni Barr and Lyndsi Lancaster? Where are they? Freshman year at A&M, the three of us shared a room. The process of growing up is painfully beautiful. Are those the lyrics to a lame country song? If so, I am embarrassed.



Tonight I went to the fair with the YWAM group. This was no Texas State fair, people. It was much more jank. They did serve funnel cakes however and were therefore redeemed. Tonight I didn’t ride all the rides, by choice. WHAT? I don’t even know myself anymore. I was always the first kid in line for every ride. But as I sat back on my bench holding bags for the other girls who hopped in bumper boats, I came to a really scary and sad realization…I am growing up. I laugh at the tone of this post, knowing that the previous post was all about the joy of the process. But tonight my demeanor is one of confusion, anxiety, and distaste. When did the “scrambler” become a monster of motion sickness? When did dirty adventure parks, packed with rides that spin and flip lose their appeal? This is a modern day tragedy. I also attended a high school football game last Friday night, and felt old. Even the players looked like little kids. And as I listened into a drama fest in the concession line about who was dating who, I pitied the 15 year olds whos life hung in the outcome of the decision. When did gossip stop being my go-to conversation? (*Thank GOD for whenever that happened.) When did I grow up?

This brings me full circle back to the friendship issue. All my friends are growing up, going different directions, and living their own lives. Without me. And me, without them for the most part. And people say “that’s life”. Well it is life, this is true, but could someone tell whoever made that slogan up that it still sucks?

It’s a weird phenomenon to realize that you are going to go through life, making new friends but keeping the old. And while you DO keep the old, its never the same as it was. Me and Cara Rochelle are likely to never sit on her bed after volleyball camp, covered in sweat and wearing bulky black knee pads playing with our American Girl dolls. And its not likely that BAAM will ever perform as a band in my living room again, with our siblings as an audience. We will never show off our choreographed trampoline dance routine to “Baby Got Back”. I can never go back to high school and be wrapped up in my boyfriend being the quarterback of the football team. The cheerleaders will not be meeting me after the game to head to a bonfire party, and I wont watch my best friend lead the dance team at half time. Even Texas A&M is a thing of the past, leaving College Station and everything in it behind to be stored in the abyss of my memory bank.

I can’t imagine my life without my best friends playing the role that they are currently playing. But even now, things are constantly changing. I have friends here at YWAM that didn’t exist prior to June. Even now I am having to learn how to do long distance friendships with the most important people in my life. I cannot bike to Becca’s for comfort. I am a million miles away from Becca, and yet I love her the same…but things will never be the same as they were. It will never again be like it was when I could drive to Megan’s when everyone else was making my birthday miserable, to find her always saving the day. It’s depressing to think that fall of 2009 (only ONE year ago), I spent every single night blabbing my day’s ups and downs to my computer screen, with Savannah on the other end. Ha, there were nights when we fell asleep skyping. It was the only way we could remedy the tragedy that was the end of nightly hammock talks on the porch at Kanakuk. As it stands, I have gotten to skype with Savannah only two times this entire summer. I spent every day attached to her hip almost literally for 3 months, then adapted to the change of spending every night with her on skype for 6 months and now I am lucky to have a phone that still reaches her via text. My heart just cringed. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful, so overly grateful for technology, but again…its too impersonal. I need hugs, cuddling, and a high five or two on a daily basis. My love for my bests will never change. I will adore each of them forever, but I cannot freeze frame time, and I am not going to lie, it frustrates the heck out of me.

But like I said, that is life. And all the while, God is shaping me, moving me, urging me forward. My hope lies in the fact that God is in control, and knows me in and out. There are still tons of new memories to be made with new friends and old alike. A guy here at YWAM, Josh, that I have more respect for than most guys I have ever come into contact with told me a few weeks back that you have to “keep your heart where your feet are.” In other words, fully be where you are. Because if I live in a state of mourning for the past and its passing, I will not be able to enjoy the RIGHT NOW. If I am constantly looking to the future in hopes of something better, I will take THIS moment for granted. Keeping your heart where your feet are is a challenging feat, Josh Griffis, and I would like advice on how to do it. How often do we live in the past? Living up the good old days, rebuking the hard times? How many times do we live in hopes that right now will get us to some future better time that we envision? Why can't we just enjoy the right now as it is, no matter where its road ends?

I still hope to live in the same town as Megan for at least one year of our lives. I still dream of taking a month off of whatever I end up doing to stay at Becca’s future house in the Caribbean. I am still banking on a trip around the world in a VW van with Savannah, marking our stops on maps that we roll up and throw in the back, and documenting everything with self-timer. I wonder what our friendships will look like then? Will we reminesce about the good old days of college? Or will we still be walking side by side through this brutal beautiful life? I don’t know.

One thing I do know, I am forever grateful to the point of tears at 3:40AM that I serve a God who is constant. Change is uncomfortable and inevitable, and while I could list the benefits of a life of adventure—something I want my life to define, which obviously includes change, the point remains that it is difficult. And yet my God is stable, constant, never-changing. The same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. His love never changes, nor His mercy. He is my rock in a world of waves that often crash during the storms of chaos. But my God is constant. Through my changing circumstances, emotions, and realities…my God is constant, forever infinitely and eternally.

And therefore while change swirls all around me, as I prepare to open yet another chapter of my life, one in a foreign country, I cling to my rock. My stability. My protection, My sanity. And pray like hell that God knows me well enough to know what is best for me, and that I have the faith to trust Him.

Baby Steps towards Victory!

This week I have realized something extraordinary. I am not the same as I was even 3 months ago. God is redeeming me, progressively sanctifying me. It’s actually happening! This shouldn’t shock me, but it DOES…it places AWE within me of God’s goodness and faithfulness to complete the good work that He started in me. I am experiencing what me and Becks lovingly refer to as momentary victories that lead to hourly victories that lead to daily victories that lead to weekly and monthly victories. (Quoted from the infamous Beth Moore)

I am by no means past struggling. That is something that I will never claim as truth while here on earth. This is a daily fight. But I am taking steps! Little, tiny, baby steps!! And my Father in heaven is smiling, prompting, cheering for me, His beloved, as I take wobbly uncoordinated steps in His direction. But oh I am learning to celebrate these stumbles towards the Living God who loved me first. Oh Lord how gracious You are for Your unfailing love that picks me up when I fall, wipes my tears, and in time...after some cuddling and comfort...helps me walk again.

I know that things will not always be this way, but as of now I have a community around me that is very supportive. I love my team that will be accompanying me to Panama and Costa Rica in a mere 10 days. Even further than the 12, I have two girls here at YWAM that love me WELL. They are each so different, but we have decided to do this stinkin’ vulnerability thing together and it is actually fun! (Sometimes…and other times it hurts, but in a good way) One of these two precious girls was having one of those “eat your feelings” type days (come on, girls, we ALL have these awful days) and came to me with a huge, half-eaten bag of peanut butter M&Ms that she had been devouring and goes “Look Ally, this is really embarrassing but I literally cannot make myself stop eating these, so can you just take them? I am literally eating my feelings, and I can feel myself stepping into sin. These tiny balls of chocolate are completely owning me right now.” (This is a huge part of her story…and such a small VICTORY in her life.) I died laughing, hugged the mess out of her and gladly took the M&Ms and ate them for myself. We prayed and thanked God for the victory that was this moment! That is a tiny baby step. But baby steps get us closer to CHRIST!! We have had so many funny moments like this, where we give up our cell phones so we wont sinfully text, or go on a walk together to keep me from the boredom depression phenomena. Or sometimes its just a vent session, ending in prayer. And we are taking baby steps together. It’s so painfully, awesomely fun.

And let me just say, I still fall down. Bigtime. And it hurts, and I am pissed at myself. But slowly I am learning to look to my Father when I am at my worst and cry out for help, instead of running from Him to try and fix myself. Slowly I am discovering that I never succeed in that feat. Lost cause, if ya know what I'm sayin.

This morning during class we watched THIS VIDEO about learning the rhythm to the tune of a relationship with the Living God. We try too often to make God, and a relationship with Him, to be this complicated, almost mystical thing. But this relational God is intricately involved in every part of our lives. Donald Miller describes this process as a dance, to learn to dance with God. Rob Bell explains it like a song, learning to hear and play the tune of the song of Christ. It’s the same beautiful, painful concept of a God who has orchestrated this world with a rhythm that is written on each of our hearts.

Speaking of the Orchestrator of our faith, He has given one of my two buddies that I mentioned, her name Erin (I call her 'Air'), the gift of photography, and her pictures do such a great job of capturing the beauty of His creation.


In encouragement, I think the most often used word here at YWAM is "PROCESS". Talk about the most frustrating word in the English language. I think we should remove it from the Dictionary. As we live and breathe in this Microwave Generation, full of instant gratification, the idea that something that takes hard work over a long period of time is outright discouraging. But this whole thing called progressive sanctification, IS A PROCESS. Like it or not. (I personally dont. I wish God would instantly redeem me where I never struggled again...I think that'd be what Heaven consists of..."glorification.") But then again, if we dont struggle through a process, we do not get to experience first hand the mercy and GRACE of God. And also this painful glorious process makes us relatable to others. People like to see that other people struggle too, it makes us feel like we aren't alone. I remember last summer, while talking to Savannah on one of our hundred porch talks, we kept saying how comforting it was that we WERE NOT ALONE. It is the human condition to not want to be alone, so yeah if you've felt that way, welcome to humanity.

Anyways so back to the process. I am learning to enjoy it. Learning to laugh at my mistakes, rejoice in my tiny momentary victories. Because that's what God does. When we see that God LOVES US, when we see that He looks down at us and loves our quirks and laughs with us and cries with us...we can finally walk in some kind of freedom, and learn to ENJOY the process of this dance, the rhythm of the Living God.

Team Panama/Costa Rica

Just thought you might want to meet the team :)
Leader: Matt Watson

Leader: Michelle Carpenter

Erin Rummage

Christian English (left); Mark Johnson (right)

Abby Tizale

Matt Schrock

Kelsea Leacox

Hannah Kauffman (left); Kristin Iehl (right)

Luke Gray

Sarah Nash

Horizon Barnes

Pa Los Ninos

PUPPETS!!! Song is completely in Spanish...we have to learn it so we can dance and play with the kiddos in Panama and Costa Rica while the puppets are dancing too. We translated the lyrics of the song and here is our best attempt at what is being said:

"This one's for the children worldwide, to know they are special. This is for the children that God wants so much because He made each one special. So move it forward, and back! Turn it right around, everybody jump up! Bark like a dog, now meow like a cat! God made children and God made animals special!"

How precious is that? I cannot wait to dance my self to death with some little Latin American babes and just love on them for 2.5 months straight. 15 days and counting!

Outreach Preparation

An excerpt from our favorite lame dance: Shackles.

Hahaha, I cannot help but die laughing every time I see this. This performance might have been our worst one ever, but cut us some slack...NONE of us are dancers. Except maybe Erin.

And I cut it off in the middle of the dance bc the second half is just embarrasing so that's why the music skips there at the fade out.

And just a little taste of El Fuego:

Yes...I get to do the boy's role in the partner stuff, shocking huh? What's really funny is if you ask us how we remember these steps. I mean it doesnt look hard, but on the contrary.... All of us were athletes and so we have to have key phrases and sound effects to help us with sequence. Amongst these key words are: shark fins, high five, salsa, cuddle, snaps, explode, and "walk in a circle". You can actually hear me announce the next move in Shackles when I say "Jump Step Clap" and again when we say "Fire and Rain". HA the past few days have been the funniest days of my life. And I have further realized why I quit dance in the 3rd grade. We have started to pray before bed that God would make us better dancers for outreach, but regardless my calves and butt freaking HATE ME.

We have like 3 other dances--which I might add are FULL LENGTH songs. Its no wonder we need some kind of help remembering what is next. Plus like 8 skits, puppet shows for the kiddos, and dramas and testimonies. THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL AN ACTION PACKED WEEK.

So its time for bed because we have practice again tomorrow, and then we are going on a hike at Hanging Lakes:

Life is good in Colorado. Until next time :)

God's Relentless Pursuit of Sinners

My trip home was a phenomenal vacation. I always love being with my family and I got to see some high school buddies too. Spending time with my sister though, always makes me want to be in the same place as her 100% of the time. So it was quite the tease to only spend 36 hours with my best friend in the world. Overall, let me conclude that it was GREAT to be in the Lone Star state for the weekend. I am still a Texan at heart :)

That being said, home brought back a lot of junk that I hadn’t seen in a while. At YWAM, for the most part I am safe…well, to an extent. My struggles just look differently when I am living in a missional bubble of believers who provide constant gospel community. I don’t know what it was about being comfortable at home that just made it seem okay to revert back to the same old stuff that I have finally been walking in some sort of freedom from for the past 8 weeks. I hate my sin. But the question is: how much do I hate it? That is a good question, but this weekend I realized that I really do want freedom from it---for good. Even though the stripping of my sinful nature is very painful. There’s a big part of my flesh that kind of FREAKS out when the Spirit-led part of me decides its time to put sin to death once and for all. This death is usually accomplished in my life through bringing sin into the light. That’s when I know that I actually want freedom, that I actually want to heal.

So I am practicing this new idea of vulnerability. I think it might be the most re-occurring and LOUDEST revelation in my life lately--that Christ requires it from me. I think that the fear of being fully known is pretty valid for me since I am such a wack-job. My life has just been a joke in a lot of ways. And God knows I have screwed up. Its not the things that have happened to me that I don’t want everybody knowing. The things that were not my fault hardly cause any grief when brought into the light. It’s the things that WERE my fault that suck. My mistakes, my shortcomings, my sinful thoughts. Those are the things that I would rather keep in the closet that nobody opens. You know that creepy closet in every house that usually holds the hot-water heater? I would rather hide the gross mistakes of my past and present in there with that. This is my innate performance based mindset rearing its ugly head. The truth I have come to realize is that our sins are always an instinctive attempt to make ourselves god, which will always end in tragic failure, and God knows I hate failing.

I don’t know what it is about me that causes me to think I need to appear perfect. I don’t know why I feel like I have to pretend that I never struggle. This is such a contrary idea to what is expressed in the Bible. 2 Corinthians says that as Christians, we should boast all the more gladly about our weakness, since Christ’s power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore Christ’s power can dwell in us when we take hold of the idea that we CANNOT do it on our own. I am a mess without Jesus. Lucky for me though, the gospel doxologically declares that my relationship to God is not based on my radical struggle for Jesus, but Jesus’ radical struggle for me.

The exhausted idea of trying to save ourselves through either legalism or license never works and while self-reliance is the natural tendency of every human heart, we still do not hold right-standing with God through any other means than His grace. I too often though try to take back control and find myself failing and disappointed with myself yet again. But oh how precious it is to rest in the idea that Christ is in relentless pursuit of rebels. I am so relieved to revel in the idea that God’s acceptance of me is not based on what I can do or have done, but what CHRIST has done. THANK GOD. Oh how far I have fallen from the glory of God, and yet no matter how bad I fail, God always responds to great sin with great mercy. No matter how far I run trying to save myself, His grace and mercy go farther still. Our loving father allows us to run (via our free will), but he arrives at our place of flight before we get there and stands ready to again welcome us (even when broken and drenched with rebellion) with open arms and direct our steps back to Himself. All of us need to be continually rescued by God.

The idea that I need to fix myself in order to present myself to God is a really screwed up notion. The whole point of the cross is that I could not accomplish this feat. But IN the cross, the blood of Christ covers me that I might be presented as holy and blameless in God’s sight. Well that just evokes tears. Especially knowing the depravity that I know all too well as my own reality.

I think that the one thing that I need saving from the most is myself. And God is even faithful to save me from me. Pastor Tullian says that we can experience true life and freedom only when we come to realize that God is God and we are not. The deepest slavery is self-dependence, self-reliance. When I live my life believing that everything depends primarily on me, I am enslaved to my own strengths and weaknesses. This is me trying to be my own Savior. But freedom comes when I start trusting in God’s abilities and wisdom instead of my own. WELL THANK GOD. I am learning to transfer my trust from my own efforts to the efforts of Christ. I too often find myself trying SO HARD to beat my sin. To fix myself. To defeat the struggles that I know all too well, when God seems to be screaming through the gospel that He has already defeated this on my behalf. Well shoot fire. That is just too much. I’m tearing up in the airport.

Anyways I am now like 10,000ft in the air or something watching the sunset. From this view, its pretty easy to forget all the mess that is waiting for me back on the ground, in the midst of life. Up here I can just revel in how much BIGGER God is than any of my accomplishments or failures. It gives me a peace to see the orange and yellow splashed across the soft blue violet background, knowing that my God painted it for me. I look out my window and God is so beautiful. God is currently painting the sky, holding the world together by the word of his mouth, and yet he cares INTIMATELY about my tears. He cares about the desires of my heart. I fail to see this in the sweat of every day life. But God stands ready to take over the control of our lives—providing the most exciting adventure packed with fulfillment—the second we relinquish control to Him. Surely we are the most favored of all creation.

I am learning SLOWLY how much God loves me. Its like every time I think I know how much, He is faithful to completely rock my world. I am praying for a hatred of my sin…even if it is me trying to be good. One expression of God’s amazing grace is that he pursues our rescue even though we cannot do one thing for him. In and of himself he is already of infinite value and worth. The reason he seeks, saves, and sends sinners is because GOD LOVES SINNERS. No other object of worship loves sinners like God does.

So by the grace of God I am setting my eyes on the cross, and again accepting God’s infinite love, mercy, and grace through Jesus Christ to walk in the freedom that is offered to me. God help me. And with this relational God that LOVES ME leading me, I will gladly serve Him in whatever way possible. He is constantly reminding me that He wants to partner with me and walk through life with me using the passions that He has given me. He is constantly reminding me to look at Him, not to the left or right or around at anything else. He is lovingly coaxing me, at a pace that I am comfortable with, to put one foot in front of the other and take steps towards my Creator and Savior who is madly in love with EXACTLY who he created me to be. Sins and failures and everything, God is all-knowing and LOVES the heck out of me, regardless. So yet again I will take his hand, let Him brush my dirty bleeding knees off and take another step. Yes I will inevitably fall again, but I will run, crying, back to the Father who wants to comfort me in all of my troubles.

And as I am wobbly and uncoordinated, I am so blessed to have a handful of friends here on earth who know the depths of my iniquity and promise to love me anyways. I am so lucky that I can look around and see girls standing next to me as we brave the dark together. This group is boldfaced marching into hell, and bringing heaven with us. "On earth as it is in heaven..." We are taking wobbly steps alongside one another, and oh I so appreciate the GOODNESS of God for blessing me with such a supportive team. I am eternally grateful to the God that knew I would need some help, and while He is the ultimate Savior, I will never be able to thank Him for providing the friends that I call mine.

We are landing in Denver. See ya on the flipside.

Lame Ramblings

Wow its been a really long time since I blogged. Today I feel like there is a wealth of things that I could write about, but none of them are coming to a point in my head. I feel that way a lot lately. Like an influx of knowledge is being put into my head and I don’t know how to process everything.

This past week we had a guest speaker named Fiona Gifford. She was the most revolutionary speaker that I have heard in a really long time. She genuinely made following Christ sound like the funnest thing in the world to do. It wasn’t begrudging submission with her, she spoke nothing about our duty to the Lord. Instead, she just had fun with us. She danced around and was totally okay with making a fool of herself at 53 years old in front of the entire class. She was full of life. She was funny, witty, and slightly sarcastic. She was SINGLE and it was apparent that she was comfortable there. Fiona just enjoys whom God made her, and was totally content living in His love, which satisfies all desires. I loved her. I loved her like she was my own mother. I want to be like Fiona when I am 53 years old. She radiated the glory of God, and it was encouraging to see. I wished that I could just sit and listen to her for the rest of my time here at YWAM.

The topic that she spoke on was “Hearing the voice of God”. It was clear that she had such an intimate relationship with God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. I have been extremely challenged by her and I learned so much. However, it will be work to not just add this new knowledge to my memory bank but apply it in my life as ultimate truth.

This week Megan was here. I got to spend like every other day with her, keeping in mind that I had to share her with her family. She got to come and experience a day in the life with me on Thursday and heard Fiona speak. She participated in our discussion group and contributed just like she had been there all along. Megan and I got the “Oh, is this your sister?!” question only about 38 times in the 24 hours that she was with me at YWAM. It kind of makes me happy though, seeing that she really is like another sister. We spent time in downtown Denver, and we ate our body weight in yummy food. It was the most precious time with her. Every minute was encouraging. I love that girl, she so points me back to the cross. I hope that I do the same for her. But like every good thing, the week came to an end and I hugged my little friend goodbye at 6:30AM and painstakingly drove away. Goodbyes suck.

This weekend, though, presents another event to look forward to as I will be making the trip back to the homeland. I arrive in Dallas on Thursday night and will get to see Mom and Trudy, Grandmommy, Carson and Roman. I CANNOT WAIT. Then on Saturday, my better than best friend Brittney is making the trek from College Station to meet me in Texarkana. I have never been so excited to see someone in my entire life. I have missed my sister more than ever. I need her closer to me. So I am really anticipating my time at home.

I cant formulate with words any more of the massive amount of thoughts and ideas that are swarming in my mind. Sorry that my blogs have been less than interesting lately. Writers block is owning me lately. Until I find the words, see you soon!

Get excited, Get Get Excited!

There are alot of really exciting things coming up in my life. Here are a few that I am particularly stoked about, in order of occurrence:

1. Megan comes to COLORADO! Yes people, you heard me right! Megan Templin is getting on a plane and flying to the Holy land to visit me in Denver! Becca was here not even a month ago and now Megan! I might be the luckiest girl in the world to have such faithful friends. Each of which have encouraged me through this journey that has been equipped with its major ups and downs. I am just so excited to hug her little neck and laugh until my stomach hurts. Kind of like the time when she pretended to be deaf in order to not have to move from her table at Panera. That's hilarious. So she will be here on SUNDAY, staying until the following SATURDAY and I just cannot wait! Come on weekend!

2. Ally takes a trip to TEXAS! Again, too excited for words!! Mommy decided that she missed her oldest and most outspoken child just a little too much and agreed to fund a visit home! I never thought I would say that I am homesick but the truth stands. I think it comes mostly from living at home (in one bedroom alongside Britt and Cars) during the month of June, and getting to spend all day every day with my favorite people in the world. Granted, I was bored out of my mind but its the little things that I miss. Like snapping beans with Mom and Trudy and then letting Grandmommy cook them. And cooking big dinners together (in the skillet with rules) and watching Friends and movies and getting snowcones. Not to mention I need more face time with my baby brother whom I ADORE. And if the whole thing isnt just perfect enough, the icing on the cake: Brittney is going to come home too! THE WHOLE CLAN in ONE PLACE! I could cry at how excited I am for Grandmommy's cooking and always a hug and for cuddling with Carson and laughing with Mom and Trudy. I board a plane out of Denver on August 26th, and will be back in Colorado late the night of the 30th. Counting down the days, and right now the countdown is at 16 days! YAY.

3. Weekend trips! Every weekend (aside from the one where I will be in Texas) YWAM provides an outdoor adventure to attend. Some of the exciting ones coming up are: hiking a 14er (I am going to die); visiting hanging lakes; cliff jumping; camping trips and thats just in the next month! The up side to this is that I never have to be bored: SUCCESS. The down side to this is that I am constantly exhausted! Its worth it, just gotta remember to hit the hay at like.....9PM.

4. MISSION OUTREACH! We leave in a mere 5.5 weeks to fly to Panama in Central America. We will be there for a while, and part of the time there we are spending living among the unreached TRIBES! They live on islands. How legit is this!? I cannot wait to apply all the things that I am learning during the lecture phase to real life. I cannot wait to play soccer with Panamanian kiddos! We have outreach prep meetings twice a week where we are learning dramas, skits, how to share testimonies, and dances (Yep I am a dancer). We also are learning all about Central American culture, food, government, religion, and LANGUAGE. Thanks Mr. Hoof for teaching me nothing past a list of school supplies in Spanish. We sing songs in Spanish, we play games in Spanish, we share about Jesus in Spanish. Its great. Well after we have lived with the tribes of Panama for a little over a month, we will be boarding a bus for 18 hours to COSTA RICA! In Costa Rica we are going to be working in the slums and also in the Red-light district! I am so excited. There will be plenty of kids to play with in San Jose, and I am looking forward to hugging each of their tiny necks and telling them and showing them how much Jesus LOVES them, just as they are! Anyways our outreach leader, Matt, is LEGIT. He's so great and SO adventurous so I feel like we arent going to be idle at all! I am praying that God shows up in miraculous ways while we are there, and praying that it will CHANGE my life.

5. What to do next?! Its interesting that I would put this in a list of things I am excited about. But although I have NO IDEA what my next step is, I know that God has a sovereign plan that is PERFCT for me! There are alot of fun options that I have looked into like snowboard instructing at Breckinridge or Vail. I really have no idea what I want to do. As far as the WHERE: I really LOVE Colorado. But life is about relationships--not places, and I really dont know where to put that in my head as far as how it applies to what I should do. I want to eventually be close to my family...I would prefer that THEY come to ME, but who knows. I know that there is always an opportunity to find NEW best friends (but keep the old) but right now it just seems like everyone that I really love is in Texas. And as far as WHAT I am supposed to do, that is a whole other story. I dont know what I want to do for the rest of my life. Here I am, 22 years old and still NO idea what I want to "be when I grow up". I know which passions God has placed in my heart, and I want to use those alongside the gifts He has blessed me with to further the Kingdom. What job title is that? No idea. So I am just praying that God makes it blatently obvious what my next step is. I'd love you to join me in that prayer.

Today I have mixed emotions. I miss home and community and friends. I long for (honestly) the holidays with my whole family at home eating mass amounts of Grandmommy food. And it being warm and snuggly and not really all that cold outside (its Texas....) I miss comfort. At the same time I take a step back and realize that I am doing EXACTLY what I want to do. Walking in obedience to Christ and trying to make sense of this crazy thing called life. I am happy. I am on a constant adventure, which is my dream. Its just a cluster of all these clashing emotiongs. I feel so lucky, and so surrounded by community and then at the same time I feel alone and very tired. My emotions are so inconsistant. Thank God I dont have to rely on them for truth. My truth would be a big catastrophe if that was the case.

Today I find myself saying Davids coined statement "Why so downcast, oh my soul!? Why so disturbed within me. Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God!" One of those times where I just need to get on my face and ask God to rule my mind in truth. I know there is a reason why I am here. He didnt bother assigning this adventure to a light-weight. By God, I am a fighter and I refuse to wallow in pity, because I know that when I cry out to Him some ten thousand angels join me in a chorus to worship our King.

So thats where I am at. Fighting my flesh with Spirit as usual. This day is not going to the enemy.