Here is where my heart lies tonight. I am having a really hard time accepting the childhood reality that we must “make new friends, but keep the old”. For some reason, that piece of advice seemed to go in one ear and out another until recently when its becoming too harsh a reality for me. Allow me to explain:
In the first grade, I would have bet you a thousand dollars that I could beat you in a race, and that Cara Rochelle would be my best friend forever. I probably would have beat you in a race…I was fast as a 6 year old. As for Cara—she is still one of my very good friends. But I talk to Cara only once every month or two and most all communication is written or read on a computer screen….or iPhone.
In the 7th grade, my bridesmaids in my wedding with Andrew Summersett consisted of Ashton Requarth, Bethany Lanier, and Megan Elliott. I claimed that I would NEVER find friends better than my BAAM group. (Beth, Ash, Ally, Meg) Life was good as we ate tons of cookie dough and played games and truth or dare until the wee hours of every Saturday morning. Today, I couldn’t tell you where Megan is or what she is doing. And I talk to Ashton and Bethany usually twice a year. Still friends, but sleepovers are a thing of the past along with Andrew Summersett.
Ali Burrow and Emily Middleton were the high school bests, a mere 4 years ago. I haven’t talked to Ali in 3 of those 4 years. Saw her for one night here lately on a whim, but chances are I wont see her again for a long time. And while Emily is still one of my very, very good friends, it’s also a rarity that I get an opportunity to talk to even her. Each time I speak to or see her it’s so encouraging and puts me in a alternate reality that we are still 17 years old. Then, at some point, my actual reality proves the other one false.
And what about Sunni Barr and Lyndsi Lancaster? Where are they? Freshman year at A&M, the three of us shared a room. The process of growing up is painfully beautiful. Are those the lyrics to a lame country song? If so, I am embarrassed.
Tonight I went to the fair with the YWAM group. This was no Texas State fair, people. It was much more jank. They did serve funnel cakes however and were therefore redeemed. Tonight I didn’t ride all the rides, by choice. WHAT? I don’t even know myself anymore. I was always the first kid in line for every ride. But as I sat back on my bench holding bags for the other girls who hopped in bumper boats, I came to a really scary and sad realization…I am growing up. I laugh at the tone of this post, knowing that the previous post was all about the joy of the process. But tonight my demeanor is one of confusion, anxiety, and distaste. When did the “scrambler” become a monster of motion sickness? When did dirty adventure parks, packed with rides that spin and flip lose their appeal? This is a modern day tragedy. I also attended a high school football game last Friday night, and felt old. Even the players looked like little kids. And as I listened into a drama fest in the concession line about who was dating who, I pitied the 15 year olds whos life hung in the outcome of the decision. When did gossip stop being my go-to conversation? (*Thank GOD for whenever that happened.) When did I grow up?
This brings me full circle back to the friendship issue. All my friends are growing up, going different directions, and living their own lives. Without me. And me, without them for the most part. And people say “that’s life”. Well it is life, this is true, but could someone tell whoever made that slogan up that it still sucks?
It’s a weird phenomenon to realize that you are going to go through life, making new friends but keeping the old. And while you DO keep the old, its never the same as it was. Me and Cara Rochelle are likely to never sit on her bed after volleyball camp, covered in sweat and wearing bulky black knee pads playing with our American Girl dolls. And its not likely that BAAM will ever perform as a band in my living room again, with our siblings as an audience. We will never show off our choreographed trampoline dance routine to “Baby Got Back”. I can never go back to high school and be wrapped up in my boyfriend being the quarterback of the football team. The cheerleaders will not be meeting me after the game to head to a bonfire party, and I wont watch my best friend lead the dance team at half time. Even Texas A&M is a thing of the past, leaving College Station and everything in it behind to be stored in the abyss of my memory bank.
I can’t imagine my life without my best friends playing the role that they are currently playing. But even now, things are constantly changing. I have friends here at YWAM that didn’t exist prior to June. Even now I am having to learn how to do long distance friendships with the most important people in my life. I cannot bike to Becca’s for comfort. I am a million miles away from Becca, and yet I love her the same…but things will never be the same as they were. It will never again be like it was when I could drive to Megan’s when everyone else was making my birthday miserable, to find her always saving the day. It’s depressing to think that fall of 2009 (only ONE year ago), I spent every single night blabbing my day’s ups and downs to my computer screen, with Savannah on the other end. Ha, there were nights when we fell asleep skyping. It was the only way we could remedy the tragedy that was the end of nightly hammock talks on the porch at Kanakuk. As it stands, I have gotten to skype with Savannah only two times this entire summer. I spent every day attached to her hip almost literally for 3 months, then adapted to the change of spending every night with her on skype for 6 months and now I am lucky to have a phone that still reaches her via text. My heart just cringed. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful, so overly grateful for technology, but again…its too impersonal. I need hugs, cuddling, and a high five or two on a daily basis. My love for my bests will never change. I will adore each of them forever, but I cannot freeze frame time, and I am not going to lie, it frustrates the heck out of me.
But like I said, that is life. And all the while, God is shaping me, moving me, urging me forward. My hope lies in the fact that God is in control, and knows me in and out. There are still tons of new memories to be made with new friends and old alike. A guy here at YWAM, Josh, that I have more respect for than most guys I have ever come into contact with told me a few weeks back that you have to “keep your heart where your feet are.” In other words, fully be where you are. Because if I live in a state of mourning for the past and its passing, I will not be able to enjoy the RIGHT NOW. If I am constantly looking to the future in hopes of something better, I will take THIS moment for granted. Keeping your heart where your feet are is a challenging feat, Josh Griffis, and I would like advice on how to do it. How often do we live in the past? Living up the good old days, rebuking the hard times? How many times do we live in hopes that right now will get us to some future better time that we envision? Why can't we just enjoy the right now as it is, no matter where its road ends?
I still hope to live in the same town as Megan for at least one year of our lives. I still dream of taking a month off of whatever I end up doing to stay at Becca’s future house in the Caribbean. I am still banking on a trip around the world in a VW van with Savannah, marking our stops on maps that we roll up and throw in the back, and documenting everything with self-timer. I wonder what our friendships will look like then? Will we reminesce about the good old days of college? Or will we still be walking side by side through this brutal beautiful life? I don’t know.
One thing I do know, I am forever grateful to the point of tears at 3:40AM that I serve a God who is constant. Change is uncomfortable and inevitable, and while I could list the benefits of a life of adventure—something I want my life to define, which obviously includes change, the point remains that it is difficult. And yet my God is stable, constant, never-changing. The same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. His love never changes, nor His mercy. He is my rock in a world of waves that often crash during the storms of chaos. But my God is constant. Through my changing circumstances, emotions, and realities…my God is constant, forever infinitely and eternally.
And therefore while change swirls all around me, as I prepare to open yet another chapter of my life, one in a foreign country, I cling to my rock. My stability. My protection, My sanity. And pray like hell that God knows me well enough to know what is best for me, and that I have the faith to trust Him.
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