My Personal Hell

Honestly (and apparently), there are only so many things you can learn about yourself during the daytime hours.  Other things, what some may call your true colors, will sometimes only come out after waking up AGAIN in a pool of your own sweat to the sound of a train horn that shakes the walls of your bedroom every half hour.

A list of things that I have learned about myself tonight include, but are not limited to, the following list:

1. I will take a cold shower at midnight in an attempt to CTFO.  (Cool off)
2. I will use the F word.  Out loud.  To myself.
3. I will eat ANYTHING that I desire regardless of how much damage it will do to my waistline.
4. I will sleep with an ice pack on my head, and ice water next to my bed.
5. I will pour said ice water onto my pillow in a desperate manner.
6. I will erupt into tears without warning.

This routine always starts the same way:  shock and denial.  I hear the distant train horn and at this point I am still in a hazy, sweaty sleep.  The train horn gets louder.  I realize that I am wet, but still a little unconscious and unable to fully assess the situation.  TRAIN HORN. Can't determine if reality is that I am on a hot beach tanning my skin, or if....no, no I am sweating in my bed.  Which is a total freakin' nightmare. Completely drenched in sweat. TRAAAAAAAIN HOOORRRNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

SHIT. My thoughts are racing. “Maybe if I pretend I didn’t hear it, it’ll stop.” The train laughs at me. AND BLOWS THE HORN ONE MORE TIME FOR GOOD MEASURE.

"LOL. Um, like a fire alarm? This is happening." The faster I acknowledge it, the sooner I can mount this crazy horse and let the games BEGIN.

And suddenly I am blackout raging.  Crying.  Anger and frustration have taken over and I am bargaining with God.  Anything but my sleep, God.  Anything!  If anyone knows how important sleep is to me, its Him!!  And that kind of funnels into depression and more tears, cold showers and ice chips.

Getting no sleep makes me absolutely crazy.  And the crazy(er) version of me cannot handle the full time job.  CAN. NOT. HANDLE. IT.  The forecast for tomorrow is really shaping up to be a total emotional shit storm.

Screw it.  The ice water is going down the back of my neck. 

And with this, I have further proof that hell is an extremely just punishment for rebellion against a Holy God.  THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN THIS.