Fitness

Thought you people might like an update on my recent and feeble fitness attempts.

 It has come to my attention that I am weak as a hairless kitten. I even have trouble summoning muscle power to type this, and I try to reserve what little strength I have for lifting and shoveling chip after salsa-drenched chip from the basket at the center of the table to my lips. Taxing, that.

I’ve mentioned crossfit….

About fifteen minutes into a crossfit workout, I start doing that crazed hyena whimper-laugh, closely followed by tears. I glare at our instructor through narrowed eyes. Her tiny body still fits within my millimeter of vision. She’s laughing. I am not. My millimeter of vision starts to swim, and I catch myself making noises that I haven’t heard before, and I am embarrassed. Also…I’m shaking.

She then tells us congratulations for getting through the warm up, and that its time to start the workout. This is where I black out. There is a light, and I move toward it. There is pumpkin cheesecake there.



You know how Olympic commentators tell you when someone doesn’t have their toes pointed quite right, or why a particular maneuver is impressive? You start to develop this quasi-expert knowledge of the sports you follow (GYMNASTICS), which you then promptly forget for the next four years.

Wouldn’t it better to have commentators for other things? Things you could learn that would really have an impact on your quality of life? For example, we could each be assigned a commentator for our early twenties who would follow us around offering insight into our performances:

“This maneuver she’s attempting could be a bit psychologically tough on her, because throughout her dating career, she’s proven to be a nervous talker. Let’s see how she does…

Oh! Oh! Big-time overshare, Bob. That is devastating for her. Let me just explain what happened a bit here, her date did not need to know she hasn’t showered or shaved her legs this week. Wow! That was out of nowhere.

Whew. That is really gonna cost her.”


In other news....I am getting tan.  Like I always say:  'If you cant tone it, tan it.'