November 8: Nerds, Smarties, and Sour Punch Straws
I am going to tell you something about myself that most of my very close friends would already know: I have an unhealthy obsession with sugar in the form of tiny candy. Nerds are like my kryptonite and it is borderline impossible for me to walk past a box of pink & purple nerds without stopping to grab like…14 or 15 boxes of them. (Give or take a few). I literally think they are the best candy in the world and far outweigh all other candy. They deserve some kind of award. I am excluding chocolate here…but with my lactose intolerance, nerds win.
AND IT’S ESSENTIAL THAT I HAVE STRAWBERRY SOUR PUNCH STRAWS WHEN I GO INTO A MOVIE THEATRE. (I am talking about the value pack where you get like 40 straws for $40 dollars…(exaggeration, but seriously everything costs like absurd amounts at the movie theatre… a small coke is like $5…I could get a Subway footlong for that)) Did you guys just see that parenthesis WITHIN a parenthesis!? Is your mind blown?
And as for smarties…let’s just say that I can eat an entire bag of them. They are my own personal version of crack cocaine. And EVERYONE gives out smarties at Halloween because they are cheap as crap. I find them just laying around every place I go like little evil tempters that I never turn down. No self control with the smarties. Things you should know about me: I never turn down a hit of smarties.
So I am thankful for these tiny awesome sugar bombs, but since I have to fit into a beautiful flowy floor length dress in about a month and a half to stand next to Beef on her wedding day….they do not coincide with the Beef wedding diet that I have miserably failed at attempting.
Can we all agree that dieting is the worst? I just want that to be out in the open. I want people to say that eating heathy is sort of the worst thing ever and that, yes, I would like a bite of that cupcake. I would like Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow to admit that they have a good body because they’re extremely disciplined, work out constantly and rarely succumb to any food cravings. Let’s just be real…is that possible?
Being and keeping fit is freaking hard work so let’s not pretend that a prohibitive diet is delicious. It makes all of the people who aren’t as fit (READ: me) feel bad about ourselves. “Why don’t I love broccoli as much as Gwyneth? Is something wrong with me?! Should I be craving brown rice right now instead of a Chipotle burrito?!” Hell no. Eating healthy is all about eating the brown rice while imagining it to be a Chipotle burrito. Let’s not let anyone tell us differently or trick us into thinking we are crazy. It’s a proven fact that the things that make you fat are synonymous with the things that taste the best.
So ALAS, in the spirit of the holidays, I am thankful for Nerds, Smarties, and Sour Punch Straws. I mean if you don’t like candy, you obviously hate your mouth.
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2 comments:
I just quoted you on Facebook. Sorry. Don't be mad:)
As a self-proclaimed candy connoisseur, I must take issue with your statement that Nerds are the best candy. They are far too tiny, and unless you want to hose a whole box in one bite amid shocked onlookers, a single pebble of sweet at a time is simply unsatisfying. The only thing that would make Nerds irrefutably awesome is if you could juggle them with a pencil and flick them into your mouth like the library girl in the Tic-Tac commercial.
I'll concede Smarties and Sour Patch Straws. Smarties have a power over me that should not be taken lightly, and the straws are awesome because they can be used as straws. I definitely never did that, especially with milk, and you can't prove otherwise.
So what, then, is the best candy? Swedish Fish. They are chewy, and everyone knows that chewy trumps crunchy. Chewy enough that they get stuck in your teeth--a perfect snack for later. They lack the flavor variety of their bipolar cousins, the Sour Patch Kids, but a bag of swedish fish doesn't make my tongue feel like it's been dragged across a cheese grater. So the fish win.
And there you have it, an overthought and unprovoked response to your candy obsession. I welcome your counter-argument.
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