Hormonal

If you come here for the jokes, first I would say to you….ummm, SHALLOW. (#jesusjuke) And then I would ask you to affirm and validate that I am indeed, funny, because I am broken and still need that constant stream of affirmation. And then I would tell you that this particular blog is prolly not going to meet your expectations. And for that, I apologize.

Some days I hate being a girl. And I do mean HATE. I intended to use strong language there. Girls are ridiculous. I don’t know if its hormones or just an overwhelming amount of ridiculous emotions, or both…but I may or may not have multiple personality disorder, and I may or may not need to be admitted into some kind of rehabilitation facility.

Before you go and recommend specialists for me, let me explain.

I can go from mountain top happy to emotional basketcase in about, eh, 2 minutes. It’s a problem. I have no control whatsoever over my emotions, and it INFURIATES ME. I can consciously and rationally acknowledge that I am being such a stupid girl, but I still cannot get a grip around my fluttering heart and wandering mind. I know that this is a little vulnerable to be blabbing about over the WWW, but cut me some slack people: THIS is what my life has come to. Dagger.

So like I was saying. No control. I am going to protect myself a little and be a tad vague about the funny/crazy/stressful/vulnerable/amazing situation that I currently find myself in, but it has the potential to completely and radically impact and perhaps change my life. And God has asked that He be in control of said situation, which if you know me at all, is a huge struggle. I am a compulsive power tripper, and therefore I like the reigns of my life to be in my own hands. But ALAS! I am once again unable to save myself, and therefore in need of a Savior to surrender my plans/goals/control. So DAILY, and I do mean EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. on my way to work I pray out loud for the entirety of the 35 minute drive, that God would allow me and give me the grace to loosen my clinch and surrender my life once again, making everything I do submissive to Him.

So yes, I pray that prayer (a step in the right direction) but then, this is approximately how the remainder of my day goes: I give [said situation] to God, I take it back, and then give it up again, I pray and then call Briggs and have her affirm me, and then ask for prayer from my family and friends, and then try and numb myself out, pray again, and then give it up to God again, only to get stressed about it, and then really excited about the potential, and then really nervous about my inadequacy, and then overwhelmed at the grace of God, and then sometimes I get a glimpse of peace. Breath. Only to over think it and start biting my nails, and get emotionally unstable and pessimistic, pray again, then talk to my littlest sister to KNOCK some sense into my crazy, pray again, give up, and then hand it to God once again, throwing my hands in the air claiming His will be done and not my own. And then I get hungry...so I eat lunch. And so on.

See? RIDICULOUS. Absolutely ridiculous.

All this to say, 1. Obviously, I am a complete WACK JOB. and 2. How amazing is it that we serve a God who is stable!? A God who never changes, who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. A God is ABLE and willing to take all of my insecurity, emotional instability, probable clinical insanity, and all plans that I have for my life and HANDLE IT! And even go farther as to love me through it!

AW Tozer says: “There is a better way which is to repudiate our own wisdom and take instead the infinite wisdom of God. Our insistence upon seeing ahead is natural enough, but it can be a real hindrance to our spiritual progress. God has charged Himself with full responsibility for our eternal happiness and stands ready to take over the MANAGEMENT OF OUR LIVES the moment we turn to Him in FAITH. God constantly encourages us to TRUST HIM in the dark. And with the goodness of God to desire our highest welfare, the wisdom of God to plan it, and the power of God to achieve it, WHAT COULD WE LACK? Surely we are the most favored of all creatures!”

So once again, I am admitting my blessed defeat and trusting in a God who is bigger and more amazing and more stable than anything that exists in my world. I am believing in faith that he “works all things out for the good of those who love him.” Today as I set my heart out to love Christ as hard as I know how to, I will attempt to rest in His arms, while putting my petty fleshly thoughts to death once again. I'm declaring that no matter if my life goes down in flames and if every plan I have fails, and if I never get married and all of the other crazy hormonal girly thoughts that I fight - that EVEN THEN, God is more than enough to satisfy the longing void in my broken heart! Oh praise Him! He is good, and so very worthy! And while I am standing on solid ground for this fleeting instant, I will blare this song on my headphones so that I might stay here on the rock a little while: “Remind me who I am” – by Jason Gray.

God help me. God love me.