Bizarre

Life is so bizarre right now. And when I say bizarre, I mean that I did not know it was possible to be so happy. I keep telling my friends, especially those whom I communicate with only by email (SHOUT OUT: Becca in Belize and Sarah in Australia) that it seems weird for me to keep sending such positive emails. I am much better at sending funny emails about crap situations, and in them, I feel like I have gotten really good at making the best of what’s around and laughing at my own demise.

My humor works best in times when things seem bleak and I have the ability to laugh at it.

Hence the lack of blogging lately. I don’t know how to write about the amount of joy that has overwhelmed me lately without feeling like I am sounding fake or superficial or something. It’s almost like I cannot fathom being this content with my life as it is in this moment. I told my mom this morning on the phone that I think YWAM started something in my life, and the last year has been an absolute highlight, and I think I am the happiest I can remember being. I don’t know how to explain it in words, people. The English language fails me.

I don’t know how to communicate joy as well as I know how to communicate pain. I think God has really been teaching me that I get to glorify Him in the mountain tops just as I do in the valleys. And I am reveling in His presence lately.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon in the park learning to slackline and playing volleyball and laughing and drinking summer beer and actually did a pretty good job of not getting overly competitive at my team losing. Then we went downtown to do Denver Cruisers, which is where thousands of young people ride their bikes to meet at various bars around the city and then as a group, take a tour of Denver on a bike, stopping at different pubs and places along the way and ending at Civic Center Park for a huge party. This happens every Wednesday, and every Wednesday has a theme, so everyone is dressed in costume. It was hilarious because people go all out. We wore sombreros and were highly under dressed. Last night was Mexican Fiesta night, but other themes have been Mustaches and Wigs, Balloons and Party Hats, Beach Party, White Trash Bash, Cops and Robbers, Ski bums and bunnies, etc. It was SO FUN. I went with Bethany and two of our guy friends and we laughed all night and had the best night. When we got to the Civic Center we sat and people watched and talked about life and God and how we had all gotten to Denver. People’s journeys are fascinating. God is so creative.

Amidst a lot of crazy costumes and alcohol and weed and cigarettes, we sat on the steps and talked about the goodness of the Lord.

For the last two weeks I have been having nights like this, where I go to sleep thanking the Lord from the bottom of my heart for providing friends and joy and GOSPEL community that I could have never dreamed of on my own. For the last month or two I have been meeting to pray in the park and going to church and going on walks and listening to scripture on tape during my transit to and from Boulder. For the last few weeks I have met more people than I can remember names for. I have seen God start something and I cannot wait to see what He is going to accomplish through my time here.

There are still days when I miss home. There are many days when I miss Texas and familiarity. Nostalgia sometimes gets the best of me, but I really try to avoid over sensationalizing the past too much. But through all of that, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am exactly where I need to be. And praise Him that Denver was where he wanted me, because this city is brilliant and seems to be bursting with life.

Things seem brighter, like I just got new contact lenses or something. I feel like the old struggles that usually haunt me, the ones I carry around like extra weight, seem to have taken a nap or something. Freedom feels like breathing fresh air maybe with a hint of the aroma of freshly cut grass. I feel deeply and love deeply and am really taking a break from all that is skepticism and sarcasm and brashness to just rest in the joy of the Lord. And all by the grace and mercy of the God who loves me.

I believe that God is doing something big, and more and more I catch my thoughts drifting to Him and how much I want to be a part of whatever He is doing. I think slowly He is peeling back the layers of my flesh that keep him at an arm’s distance.

Sometimes I get weird feelings that I cannot physically position myself close enough to God. No matter what, I feel like I want more and like I might explode if I do not get more of Christ. I feel kind of like what I would assume a drug addict to feel like when it comes to intimacy with my Creator. I think I now understand the verse in the bible about God setting eternity in the heart of man much more than I ever have before because I really do long for Him.

I am aware that I sound crazy and super spiritual but it seems normal to me. It seems a lot more like falling in love than I thought it ever could feel. It feels a lot less like a rule book or a theology script and more organic like I find God in everything I do. And it feels good. Kind of like the way you feel when laying on the floor in the air conditioning after running uphill outside in Texas.

And so, I can’t think of any good jokes, but I do catch myself laughing a whole lot more often.