Life is so bizarre right now. And when I say bizarre, I mean that I did not know it was possible to be so happy. I keep telling my friends, especially those whom I communicate with only by email (SHOUT OUT: Becca in Belize and Sarah in Australia) that it seems weird for me to keep sending such positive emails. I am much better at sending funny emails about crap situations, and in them, I feel like I have gotten really good at making the best of what’s around and laughing at my own demise.
My humor works best in times when things seem bleak and I have the ability to laugh at it.
Hence the lack of blogging lately. I don’t know how to write about the amount of joy that has overwhelmed me lately without feeling like I am sounding fake or superficial or something. It’s almost like I cannot fathom being this content with my life as it is in this moment. I told my mom this morning on the phone that I think YWAM started something in my life, and the last year has been an absolute highlight, and I think I am the happiest I can remember being. I don’t know how to explain it in words, people. The English language fails me.
I don’t know how to communicate joy as well as I know how to communicate pain. I think God has really been teaching me that I get to glorify Him in the mountain tops just as I do in the valleys. And I am reveling in His presence lately.
Yesterday, I spent the afternoon in the park learning to slackline and playing volleyball and laughing and drinking summer beer and actually did a pretty good job of not getting overly competitive at my team losing. Then we went downtown to do Denver Cruisers, which is where thousands of young people ride their bikes to meet at various bars around the city and then as a group, take a tour of Denver on a bike, stopping at different pubs and places along the way and ending at Civic Center Park for a huge party. This happens every Wednesday, and every Wednesday has a theme, so everyone is dressed in costume. It was hilarious because people go all out. We wore sombreros and were highly under dressed. Last night was Mexican Fiesta night, but other themes have been Mustaches and Wigs, Balloons and Party Hats, Beach Party, White Trash Bash, Cops and Robbers, Ski bums and bunnies, etc. It was SO FUN. I went with Bethany and two of our guy friends and we laughed all night and had the best night. When we got to the Civic Center we sat and people watched and talked about life and God and how we had all gotten to Denver. People’s journeys are fascinating. God is so creative.
Amidst a lot of crazy costumes and alcohol and weed and cigarettes, we sat on the steps and talked about the goodness of the Lord.
For the last two weeks I have been having nights like this, where I go to sleep thanking the Lord from the bottom of my heart for providing friends and joy and GOSPEL community that I could have never dreamed of on my own. For the last month or two I have been meeting to pray in the park and going to church and going on walks and listening to scripture on tape during my transit to and from Boulder. For the last few weeks I have met more people than I can remember names for. I have seen God start something and I cannot wait to see what He is going to accomplish through my time here.
There are still days when I miss home. There are many days when I miss Texas and familiarity. Nostalgia sometimes gets the best of me, but I really try to avoid over sensationalizing the past too much. But through all of that, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am exactly where I need to be. And praise Him that Denver was where he wanted me, because this city is brilliant and seems to be bursting with life.
Things seem brighter, like I just got new contact lenses or something. I feel like the old struggles that usually haunt me, the ones I carry around like extra weight, seem to have taken a nap or something. Freedom feels like breathing fresh air maybe with a hint of the aroma of freshly cut grass. I feel deeply and love deeply and am really taking a break from all that is skepticism and sarcasm and brashness to just rest in the joy of the Lord. And all by the grace and mercy of the God who loves me.
I believe that God is doing something big, and more and more I catch my thoughts drifting to Him and how much I want to be a part of whatever He is doing. I think slowly He is peeling back the layers of my flesh that keep him at an arm’s distance.
Sometimes I get weird feelings that I cannot physically position myself close enough to God. No matter what, I feel like I want more and like I might explode if I do not get more of Christ. I feel kind of like what I would assume a drug addict to feel like when it comes to intimacy with my Creator. I think I now understand the verse in the bible about God setting eternity in the heart of man much more than I ever have before because I really do long for Him.
I am aware that I sound crazy and super spiritual but it seems normal to me. It seems a lot more like falling in love than I thought it ever could feel. It feels a lot less like a rule book or a theology script and more organic like I find God in everything I do. And it feels good. Kind of like the way you feel when laying on the floor in the air conditioning after running uphill outside in Texas.
And so, I can’t think of any good jokes, but I do catch myself laughing a whole lot more often.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
A Whirlwind of Events
I haven’t blogged in a long time about anything of real significance, and that’s mostly because I put that 23 limit on my blog for May, which was a fun idea until about May 4th when I realized I was out of things to make lists about. But some of those 23ers were real rockstar posts, my favorite being 23 Questions.
I thought I would take a second…a week into June, and recap the whirlwind of events that took place during May, which turned out to be my favorite month of this year so far. (Shocker there..)
Well, May came with snow. So that just sent me into an all out, rage blackout - I mean snow in May? Is that a joke? I did a lot of hanging out by myself in the weeks preceding Blair’s departure from the great state of Colorado. And the time came for goodbyes, but not before we attended a Brooke Fraser concert together in downtown Denver, which I knew would be a pivotal point in my life, but didn’t know just HOW pivotal it would actually be.
A not so quick story of encouragement: The first 4 months of living in Colorado were a rough transition for me, as I moved here alone and knew not a single person. So I got really involved with KLIFE and went to church and did all the things that you think you are supposed to do to make friends. I met Blair Week 1 who provided me with such sweet accountability for the next few months. However, in March, Blair got an awesome job offer in Texas (IRONY) and decided she would be moving away in May.
I would like to say that I quoted scripture to myself in that moment and told myself that God works all things together for his glory, or something super holy. But in all honestly, I was like what the heck, God?! This isnt fair! Like a whiny 2 year old. Inevitably, I started preparing myself to have an extremely lonely summer. I thought maybe it was just supposed to be a time for me to get really close to the Lord with no distractions, and at some level I came to a peace about that. I kind of saw it as my own little desert season, and I listened to that Hillsong song a lot and cried in my car while exploring the wonderland that I live in. Around April, I knew it was going to be really hard, but it became a lot harder than I had even expected and I was scared that I was going to get depressed again or something.
I got so sad that I even thought about moving back to Texas because it seemed so easy to move there and live within driving distance of every person that I loved. I was really lonely all the time and had nobody to hang out with except the family that I lived with—who by the way have been God’s absolute gift to me because I learn so much living with them. Almost every weekend I went to lunch alone or went on a walk and I saw a ton of movies by myself. That’s a humbling experience and it makes your heart do weird things being alone.
It was excruciating, being someone who loves being surrounded by people. All of my closest friends were making life transitions like moving to Belize or getting married or spending the summer at Kamp, and I felt like I was stranded in Colorado “attempting” to live my own dream. I thought dreams were supposed to feel like floating and bouncing on clouds that taste like marshmallows. I had felt so called here for so many months and this is how God repays me? Oh ye of little faith! I clearly have a serious lack of eternal perspective, but two months by yourself can feel like years.
I have been blessed with the privilege of keeping in touch on a weekly basis with a YWAM friend who is easily one of the most wise girls that I know. I was talking to Kelsea during our Thursday afternoon catch up phone call and was telling her how it was going to be a really hard summer and that I was going to be really lonely and I didn’t know where to find friends. I felt like I had done everything I was supposed to do and just really hadn’t found cool girls who love Jesus to hang out with. I longed and yearned for gospel community like I had been so spoiled with in my senior year at A&M. I said a lot of this and was fighting back tears, you know, so that I didn’t make a fool of myself in the middle of Whole Foods.
So Kelsea said, “Have you actually asked God to give you friends?”
And as profoundly simple as that seems, I thought about it, and the answer was no, I hadn’t actually asked Him directly to provide friends for me. I just kind of assumed that he knew that’s what I needed, I mean, he is God and all right?
As a side note: we learned a lot about praying out loud during YWAM and I was at the end of my rope one night soon after this and just said (out loud in my car): “God you know that I need friends. You know that I am lonely more than I know it myself. You are the one who created me relationally and you designed me to function best in Christian community. I have done everything that I know to do and I don’t know where to find cool/funny..its important/fun Christian girls in Colorado. So I need you to show them to me. I need you to give me friends. Because you can and I cannot, (as usual). I cannot be alone all summer, I will go insane. You know this. Please give me some friends that I feel like I have stuff in common with and that love You more than anything in this world because I don’t want to be mediocre, and I want to surround myself with people who love you. If you could do that sooner than later, it would be preferable. I love you and I really am sorry that I am such a titty baby about all of this.”
C.S. Lewis says “Now we cannot discover our failure to keep God’s law except by trying our very hardest (and then failing). Unless we really try, whatever we say, there will always be at the back of our minds the idea that if we try harder next time we shall succeed in being completely good. Thus, in one sense, the road back to God is a road of moral effort, of trying harder and harder. But in another sense it is not trying that is ever going to bring us home. All this trying leads up to the vital moment at which you say, ‘You must do this, I can’t.”
So about eh, 2 weeks later, as aforementioned--I went to a Brooke Fraser (my favorite Christian artist) concert in downtown Denver with Blair-my best friend in Denver that was moving away. Let me just say that the concert was absolutely amazing. The tickets were a birthday present from my mom and it seemed right as it was Blair & I’s last hoorah together.
We ran into this girl that we both knew from Kamp, who was attending the concert with one of her friends from Denver. So I got to talking to her friend and it turns out that she had just gotten back from a year long mission trip and she played soccer in college and is so funny and fun and pretty and loves the Lord so so much. So I brutally admitted that I was short on friends and she asked me to come to church with her (a church I had never heard of). I said that I would and gave her my number not really expecting much from it because people say a lot of stuff that they don’t mean and never follow through, you know?
She called me the next day. She invited me to go to dinner with her roommates that Friday night I was like …sure I guess. I figured it would be so awkward being all of her roommates and then me, but I went anyways. It was SO FUN. They are hilarious and they all do missions and they were all athletes in college. It was actually pretty bizarre how comfortable I felt being the first time I had met basically all of them.
I hung out with this little group Friday, Saturday, went to church on Sunday, joined their small group bible study on Monday night, and then helped one of them do Support letters that Wednesday. We planned camping trips and adventures in the park and concert dates.
I was completely in a whirlwind. I literally felt like we had been friends forever. They are so much like me (there is like 8 of them) and they are so funny and amazing. I might move in with them later this summer. So isn’t that just the bees knees!!? God totally provided friends out of NO WHERE. During a concert that I got as a birthday present. I wasn’t looking for friends, they just fell in my lap. All because I directly asked God to give them to me and He did. Praise Him.
All this to say, God provides. EVERY TIME. In His perfect timing. His grace is sufficient, and he tells us to ask him for what we want in prayer. Since meeting them I have spent consistent amounts of time with them and continue to grow in my love for them and for the Lord who just dropped them in my lap. Through them I have met a number of other friends, both guys and girls and am just swirling in joy for the Lord. May and June have been the most amazing gifts, and I can honestly say that God just lavished his love on undeserving, whiny me.
So I am loving Colorado. I really feel like I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be. I am starting a small group with Bethany, who is the first friend I made at the concert. I am so excited to see what the Lord will do.
In this summer of growing heat (FINALLY), I am basking in the glory and joy of the Lord. I read this from a woman who I greatly admire and respect:
Let us revel in Isaiah 43:18-19 on this beautiful summer day, which says “Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
I thought I would take a second…a week into June, and recap the whirlwind of events that took place during May, which turned out to be my favorite month of this year so far. (Shocker there..)
Well, May came with snow. So that just sent me into an all out, rage blackout - I mean snow in May? Is that a joke? I did a lot of hanging out by myself in the weeks preceding Blair’s departure from the great state of Colorado. And the time came for goodbyes, but not before we attended a Brooke Fraser concert together in downtown Denver, which I knew would be a pivotal point in my life, but didn’t know just HOW pivotal it would actually be.
A not so quick story of encouragement: The first 4 months of living in Colorado were a rough transition for me, as I moved here alone and knew not a single person. So I got really involved with KLIFE and went to church and did all the things that you think you are supposed to do to make friends. I met Blair Week 1 who provided me with such sweet accountability for the next few months. However, in March, Blair got an awesome job offer in Texas (IRONY) and decided she would be moving away in May.
I would like to say that I quoted scripture to myself in that moment and told myself that God works all things together for his glory, or something super holy. But in all honestly, I was like what the heck, God?! This isnt fair! Like a whiny 2 year old. Inevitably, I started preparing myself to have an extremely lonely summer. I thought maybe it was just supposed to be a time for me to get really close to the Lord with no distractions, and at some level I came to a peace about that. I kind of saw it as my own little desert season, and I listened to that Hillsong song a lot and cried in my car while exploring the wonderland that I live in. Around April, I knew it was going to be really hard, but it became a lot harder than I had even expected and I was scared that I was going to get depressed again or something.
I got so sad that I even thought about moving back to Texas because it seemed so easy to move there and live within driving distance of every person that I loved. I was really lonely all the time and had nobody to hang out with except the family that I lived with—who by the way have been God’s absolute gift to me because I learn so much living with them. Almost every weekend I went to lunch alone or went on a walk and I saw a ton of movies by myself. That’s a humbling experience and it makes your heart do weird things being alone.
It was excruciating, being someone who loves being surrounded by people. All of my closest friends were making life transitions like moving to Belize or getting married or spending the summer at Kamp, and I felt like I was stranded in Colorado “attempting” to live my own dream. I thought dreams were supposed to feel like floating and bouncing on clouds that taste like marshmallows. I had felt so called here for so many months and this is how God repays me? Oh ye of little faith! I clearly have a serious lack of eternal perspective, but two months by yourself can feel like years.
I have been blessed with the privilege of keeping in touch on a weekly basis with a YWAM friend who is easily one of the most wise girls that I know. I was talking to Kelsea during our Thursday afternoon catch up phone call and was telling her how it was going to be a really hard summer and that I was going to be really lonely and I didn’t know where to find friends. I felt like I had done everything I was supposed to do and just really hadn’t found cool girls who love Jesus to hang out with. I longed and yearned for gospel community like I had been so spoiled with in my senior year at A&M. I said a lot of this and was fighting back tears, you know, so that I didn’t make a fool of myself in the middle of Whole Foods.
So Kelsea said, “Have you actually asked God to give you friends?”
And as profoundly simple as that seems, I thought about it, and the answer was no, I hadn’t actually asked Him directly to provide friends for me. I just kind of assumed that he knew that’s what I needed, I mean, he is God and all right?
As a side note: we learned a lot about praying out loud during YWAM and I was at the end of my rope one night soon after this and just said (out loud in my car): “God you know that I need friends. You know that I am lonely more than I know it myself. You are the one who created me relationally and you designed me to function best in Christian community. I have done everything that I know to do and I don’t know where to find cool/funny..its important/fun Christian girls in Colorado. So I need you to show them to me. I need you to give me friends. Because you can and I cannot, (as usual). I cannot be alone all summer, I will go insane. You know this. Please give me some friends that I feel like I have stuff in common with and that love You more than anything in this world because I don’t want to be mediocre, and I want to surround myself with people who love you. If you could do that sooner than later, it would be preferable. I love you and I really am sorry that I am such a titty baby about all of this.”
C.S. Lewis says “Now we cannot discover our failure to keep God’s law except by trying our very hardest (and then failing). Unless we really try, whatever we say, there will always be at the back of our minds the idea that if we try harder next time we shall succeed in being completely good. Thus, in one sense, the road back to God is a road of moral effort, of trying harder and harder. But in another sense it is not trying that is ever going to bring us home. All this trying leads up to the vital moment at which you say, ‘You must do this, I can’t.”
So about eh, 2 weeks later, as aforementioned--I went to a Brooke Fraser (my favorite Christian artist) concert in downtown Denver with Blair-my best friend in Denver that was moving away. Let me just say that the concert was absolutely amazing. The tickets were a birthday present from my mom and it seemed right as it was Blair & I’s last hoorah together.
We ran into this girl that we both knew from Kamp, who was attending the concert with one of her friends from Denver. So I got to talking to her friend and it turns out that she had just gotten back from a year long mission trip and she played soccer in college and is so funny and fun and pretty and loves the Lord so so much. So I brutally admitted that I was short on friends and she asked me to come to church with her (a church I had never heard of). I said that I would and gave her my number not really expecting much from it because people say a lot of stuff that they don’t mean and never follow through, you know?
She called me the next day. She invited me to go to dinner with her roommates that Friday night I was like …sure I guess. I figured it would be so awkward being all of her roommates and then me, but I went anyways. It was SO FUN. They are hilarious and they all do missions and they were all athletes in college. It was actually pretty bizarre how comfortable I felt being the first time I had met basically all of them.
I hung out with this little group Friday, Saturday, went to church on Sunday, joined their small group bible study on Monday night, and then helped one of them do Support letters that Wednesday. We planned camping trips and adventures in the park and concert dates.
I was completely in a whirlwind. I literally felt like we had been friends forever. They are so much like me (there is like 8 of them) and they are so funny and amazing. I might move in with them later this summer. So isn’t that just the bees knees!!? God totally provided friends out of NO WHERE. During a concert that I got as a birthday present. I wasn’t looking for friends, they just fell in my lap. All because I directly asked God to give them to me and He did. Praise Him.
All this to say, God provides. EVERY TIME. In His perfect timing. His grace is sufficient, and he tells us to ask him for what we want in prayer. Since meeting them I have spent consistent amounts of time with them and continue to grow in my love for them and for the Lord who just dropped them in my lap. Through them I have met a number of other friends, both guys and girls and am just swirling in joy for the Lord. May and June have been the most amazing gifts, and I can honestly say that God just lavished his love on undeserving, whiny me.
So I am loving Colorado. I really feel like I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be. I am starting a small group with Bethany, who is the first friend I made at the concert. I am so excited to see what the Lord will do.
In this summer of growing heat (FINALLY), I am basking in the glory and joy of the Lord. I read this from a woman who I greatly admire and respect:
“Part of me wonders:
Would the summer be so sweet, if the winter weren’t so bitter? And would the bitter winter be so bearable if the summer’s promise weren’t so sweet?
The Lord, in His providence and sustaining grace, is kind to mingle the two. In the cold of winter, we carry the warmth of the Son through Whom the promise is made to be with us “always to the end of the age.” And in the season of colorful communion, we carry the heavy reality that green will give way to gray, proving that we are not home yet.
For now, I will live in the season I feel swirling about me. I will drink it in, savor it as a foretaste of heaven: a blazing Son, a forever respite from a worn-out world and constant company, face-to-face with my Savior and the saints around the throne.“
Let us revel in Isaiah 43:18-19 on this beautiful summer day, which says “Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
