The next day was breakfast with old friends, and a trip to Austin with the College Station crew. We played all day long then caught dinner with Beef at a place called “Oasis” which by the way, is my new favorite restaurant. Becca decided that we would play the “name your favorite memory with Ally” game. Me—needing constant affirmation—LOVED that game. We laughed so hard thinking of all the fun times that we have had throughout college. Yep then got a little nostalgic about it being over. That night we roasted s’mores and hung out. Sunday morning we attended Austin Stone Church, where the sermon just happened to be on idolatry (funny, God) ate lunch and hung out all day long with Beef. It was fabulous, and in case you didn’t know—if you tell people that it is your birthday, you almost always get a free desert! So birthday or not, from now on I will be expecting free desert because my birthday (in my opinion) could be celebrated year round.
This birthday was one of the most absolutely fun birthdays of my life. It was definitely top 5. I am so blessed by the people who made it happen, and the people who love me enough to drop what they are doing, to spend time with me on May 8th, during the middle of finals week. Lucky? Yes. Thank you Lord for showering me with blessings that I hardly deserve.
With all of that being said—you would think I would be completely content for like a month or, at the very least a week right? You would think the overwhelming happiness that came from feeling loved, the satisfaction that came with the world revolving around me for a day/weekend would give me joy for a WHILE. And here is where I again re-visit the idea that my heart is retarded and messed the heck up, because here I am 3 days later, running on empty. My mind never stops with its sin cycle of death. Satan uses my thought life more than anything else in my life to OWN me. That God would take my thoughts captive is my most frequently prayed prayer. And I could do a whole blog AGAIN about finding satisfaction in Christ alone, but just read the previous one again here. My feelings about the topic have not changed.
Sorry in advance if this blog is not very chipper. I think it is more realistic to know that happiness every single day is not promised in God. You do not walk with God to get answers or to get happiness…although often you do get these things. You walk with God to GET GOD. He is our reward. He is what we should want. If we are pursuing a relationship with Christ because we are hoping that he will get us what we really want: health, wealth, a sense of belonging, answers, a boyfriend, a certain future, good things to happen to us, a good reputation, friends, etc…then whatever it is we are USING HIM for is really our God, not Christ. Did that sentence make sense? We should be pursuing Christ because if we pursue Him, we GET CHRIST. That is what is promised. He is what we should be yearning for. He is not the means to an end. He IS the end, He is the reward, He is the goal, and HE is the GREATEST, the most valuable thing to seek, and the only thing that will ever be enough for us and our messed up, jank selves that all too often “suck at life”. (My sister uses ‘suck at life’ a lot and I laugh every time)
So I want you to know right off the bat that I am HURTING right now because of the place that God has led me to. This situation has been in the back of my head haunting me for about 2-4 weeks now. I do NOT want to walk through what God and I am currently preparing my heart to walk through. Just avoiding it all together seems easier, less painful. And I am not an 'avoider'. This hurts, and I do NOT want to do it. I want you to know that I hate this decision that I have to make. I hate this feeling that I know is coming, that is here already. I know this routine all too well. But I KNOW that God has DIVINELY led me here, THIS is His will. He is holding my hand. He is standing next to me, and I like to think that He has His arm around me, cause God knows I need it. He has a plan. (Jeremiah 29:11) He is gently, softly, lovingly prompting me to take these hard steps, and promising me HIMSELF in the end. He will be there with me through this, and I know from previous experience that if I do not choose to walk through this with him, He will be faithful to throw me over his shoulder and drag me kicking and screaming through it anyways. PS. It hurts a lot more that way. So this time, for the first time in my life I have decided that I will faithfully walk through this with Him, as long as he holds my hand. But I want you to know that I am doing this like a scared and reluctant 2 year old, who’s dad is forcing her to ride Mr. Freeze—the scariest ride at Six Flags over Texas—MUCH BEFORE SHE IS READY to take that plunge. And lets be honest, He will probably still have to carry me some of the way anyways. Too often, I am all talk.
These Ginny Owens lyrics to "If You Want Me To" come to mind:
“The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to
Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to.”
In some ways, when I hear this song and obviously tear up, I get kind of mad at this circumstance. In the imaginary world that always revolves around me, I should not have to hurt. I should not have to do anything that I do not want to do. Brittney and I were talking about how my flesh’s first instinct is that everyone should cater to me, and sinfully I think that they should. My delusional brain really thinks people should be striving to make my life perfect and easy. Clearly this is not reality. Life is hard, and most of the time people don’t care that you are hurting all that much, because chances are they are hurting too. Here is where my hope lies: Romans 8:17 says that "if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” Well THERE is some good news finally. It goes on to say that nothing can separate us from the LOVE of God, which also gives me hope and comforts me infinitely.
***(Side note: I always listen to Christian music blaring through my $3 speakers during blogging sessions, and this song just came on Pandora: “When the road is tough and steep, and it leads my heart to weep, there’s an ocean of tears that You’ve held through the years but we’re not stopping here. On this long and winding street, You will guide these weary feet. Every step that we take with our hearts full of faith and we’re not stopping here. Together we are stronger, so put your hand in mine. We give you praise and the King of all the earth will SAVE US FROM OURSELVES.” (Kingdom of Comfort—Delirious?) Haha! God MOST DEFINITELY has got the most awesome sense of humor and a little sting of sarcasm that I get glimpses of almost daily. I mean talk about SPOT ON right?)***
Anyways I think that it shows how much God loves me that he is continuing to mold me into the image of His Son, even when it sucks bad. Matt Chandler said about his brain tumor that he “felt privileged to be counted worthy to be asked to suffer well for Christ.” Okay I do not have a brain tumor. Nobody has said cancer to me today—(my aunt Trudy says this about every problem….if nobody has said cancer to you that day then you need to count yourself lucky—things could be worse.) But I AM being asked to suffer well for Christ. I have an idolatrous part of my heart, for which God is preparing for surgery because it must come out. Again, not fun.
So on Saturday, I had a two hour drive with Brittney on the way to Austin, where I asked her to basically let me talk--plead my case--and then have her tell me what she thinks I should do. I have had this same conversation at least 12 times with Becca, and twice with Megan. This is what I call seeking wise council. It says in the bible to consult wise Christian council. Check! And guess what? They all say the exact same thing. Well actually to be honest…Megan says it very nicely…trying to consider my feelings through it all. Brittney says it very matter-of-factly, she has reasons 1-10 on why she is right, bullet points on how I should handle it, and uses scripture to back everything up. She treats it very black & white(ly)..shocker there. And Becca, well Becca just tells it how it is. She cuts straight to the core, painful and quick, and leaves no room for coddling. The last time I had this conversation with her, as I was balling like an infant on her bed—visualize me sniffling and whining for 20 minutes—she bluntly snapped: “Ally, do you want my advice or not? (obviously yes..) Okay, well this is probably, slash positively God speaking through me, so you need to dry it up and really listen to what I am about to say. Okay? I know this sucks to hear, but deal with it because I am right. I have never been so sure about something in my entire life.” Haha, all the same information, but my bests are just so different, I LOVE IT.
Anyways, through everything these are the verses that I have clung to for the past couple of weeks:
2 Corinthians 4: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...Therefore we do not lose heart...For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."
1 Peter 1: 5-7: “Through faith you are shielded by God’s power…in this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—maybe proved genuine, and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
Hosea 6:1: “Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds.”
2 Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
Hebrews 13:5-6: “God has said: ‘Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, the Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid.”
So, here I am. At the edge of the cliff. I normally love cliff jumping, but not this time. Jumping off is going to HURT. It is going to be scary and will inevitably take my breath away. It is going to rock me to my core, and it is going to rip flesh away from my heart. It is going to be painful and just awful. But most importantly it is going to achieve in me a new faith, a deeper understanding of who Christ is, a new dependence on HIM, and in the end will result in HIS GLORY, my joy. My only goal in life. So dang it, here we go. I am reluctant, but I TRUST HIM. This sucks bad but here we stinking go. ETERNAL JOY HERE I COME, ugh this is going to hurt.
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