Wanderlust vs. Fashionista

The last week here in College Station is a weird experience. My friends (including me) are all getting a little clingy because we are kind of having minor panic attacks at a glimpse of the end of life as we know it. We have been trying to spend every waking moment together, and sleeping over during the times that we are not awake. I don’t know what happened to my 4 years of college, and I cant decide if it passed by fast or slow…the answer is both. Seems like yesterday that I was a senior in high school, worried about EVERYTHING, and shallow as they come. But the person I was in high school seems like a whole world away from who I am today, years maybe light-years away. Anyways, my friend group has made a pact to leech to each other this week, as to take advantage of every minute that we have left together. Yesterday we razor scootered to Sonic Happy Hour and then back to Becca’s. It is safe to say that my right leg is substantially more muscled up than my left as of this morning. Razor scooters are much more exhausting than you remember them from childhood. Becca rollerbladed instead, and wore an entire Hawaiian outfit that she found at Goodwill. Proof:

Last night we all cuddled up on my couch and watched Sex and the City. These are my thoughts on that movie:

There is some portion of my being that wonders what it would be like to live the life that Carrie Bradshaw leads. The never ending cash flow is the most appealing part. Being rich seems like it would make things so much easier—never having to worry about how much something costs, or never having to save money, etc. The fancy extravagant outfits are just so foreign to me, as I type to you in my boys undershirt-white V-neck and boxer shorts. They (Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha, Miranda) have an endless supply of shoes, and enjoy endless amounts of colorful drinks. I would be the most materialistic sinner if I had access to this stuff, oh I would have to repent faster than you can snap your fingers. But I would not want that stuff, like a fancy flower ring for 50 grand. I could cuss at how ridiculous that is in my head. My friends all decided that the one thing that we could all agree on is that we would NOT stay skinny living in this world. We would hire personal chefs to have a breakfast array waiting on us every morning. But then again, we could also hire personal trainers to force us to burn off our biscuits and gravy—the obvious breakfast of choice.

So if I had access to all the money in the world, I genuinely would not use it on anything like that. Instead, in my world, being rich would mean that I could take any trip that I wanted to take to anywhere I wanted to go. My money would be spent on seeing the world. I really just want so badly to travel around, pursue a never ending adventure, and further the kingdom while doing so. I could live in a tent for all I care. That is my dream life. I would go everywhere in the world, and tell people about Jesus, and hike and bike and climb and jump out of airplanes. I would want to meet people constantly and make new friends, and learn about their worlds and how different they are than mine. It would be so interesting. Basically, I want to be a vagabond….no, a wanderlust.

“Wanderlust is a strong or innate desire for or impulse to wander, or, in modern usage, to travel and to explore the world.” (Wikipedia)

I would still want to live in a small house to call home up in the mountains, with decorations that are cluttered organizationally. I would prolly want it to be like a little lodge. Maybe on a lake in the mountains—best of both worlds eh? I need to Google that and see if its possible. I know there are lakes and mountains in New Zealand that are AWESOME, so if I cant find a remedy in Colorado, then I will just pack my crap and move to New Zealand. Rough life huh?

Anyways I want my lodge to feel warm, and there to be a lot of stuff in there, but it has to be organized. Grubb tells me that she sees me as a casual “boho” type decorator. I like that stereotype. I didn’t even know what the term “boho” meant until like 5 months ago when Savannah had to explain it to me, but now I love it. I want my house to be super earthy and super cozy, with all my extreme sports stuff used as decoration. I would like a hammock in my living room, and I would like to have my kayak hanging from the ceiling or something, maybe some snowboards on the wall. This house from Beaver Creek last Spring Break would be PERFECT.

My mom will die when she reads this. At least the husband I have in mind will be totally on board with this. He will probably want to put posters up in our room which is totally fine by me, we can be kids forever together and never grow up! Then when we actually have a kid of our own, (hopefully a boy) we are sticking him and his shaggy head on a snowboard at age 6. With my luck, he will be one of those “reads for fun” type kids and hate the outdoors. I will have to pray really hard about that scenario. Hopefully I can pump enough genetics into him to at least give him a competitive drive. I want to race him down the mountain on a snowboard, and beat him. Sometimes I might let him win, just to boost his self confidence. Or maybe I will just make my husband let him beat him, so I don’t have to lose.

Anyways so that is what I would spend money on. I would never have nice shoes and a huge mansion. That sounds awful. Just for starters, high heels KILL your feet. I wouldn’t want dresses and jewelry, I wear a $2 purity ring and bracelets from Wal-Mart every day for crying out loud. The glamorous life in New York City is just not appealing to me whatsoever. I almost get a gag reflux just thinking of having to brave that personal hell. And I would still want to work during the time spent not traveling, at least until I have 4 kids to keep me distracted. I DO NOT DO WELL WITH BOREDOM. I get all depressed and start feeling sorry for myself, so I am going to need a schedule. Yep. So if I happen to win the lottery or something, you now know what I will be doing for the rest of my life. Happy traveling :)

Cliff Jumping: Not the Fun Kind.

Today Megan left after a spontaneous visit that lasted for 3 days, we decided we should try the roommate thing out for a bit, turns out we ROCK at being roommates. Just to update you, before I ramble about my thoughts for a while…this past weekend was my birthday. I am 22 now….it feels old. Anyways it was one of the better ones I think. Megan made me feel more loved than ever, when what I thought was definitely a birthday tragedy turned into one of my favorite nights of college. I showed up in Waco, tears still in my eyes from the past week of absolute hell, and there were streamers, a funfetti cake with my name on it, a piñata with all my favorite candies inside, perfect presents, a new CD, pictures of us everywhere and Megan—all dolled up in her tiny blue dress just waiting on me, smiling and equipped with as many hugs as I wanted. I had called her last minute, and she pulled off the birthday miracle of the century in less than 2 hours. I cried because I literally have not felt so loved by someone in a long time. Meg—as previously mentioned—loves me so very WELL, and in a way that I really feel and know it. BLESSED beyond belief by this little friend.




The next day was breakfast with old friends, and a trip to Austin with the College Station crew. We played all day long then caught dinner with Beef at a place called “Oasis” which by the way, is my new favorite restaurant. Becca decided that we would play the “name your favorite memory with Ally” game. Me—needing constant affirmation—LOVED that game. We laughed so hard thinking of all the fun times that we have had throughout college. Yep then got a little nostalgic about it being over. That night we roasted s’mores and hung out. Sunday morning we attended Austin Stone Church, where the sermon just happened to be on idolatry (funny, God) ate lunch and hung out all day long with Beef. It was fabulous, and in case you didn’t know—if you tell people that it is your birthday, you almost always get a free desert! So birthday or not, from now on I will be expecting free desert because my birthday (in my opinion) could be celebrated year round.

This birthday was one of the most absolutely fun birthdays of my life. It was definitely top 5. I am so blessed by the people who made it happen, and the people who love me enough to drop what they are doing, to spend time with me on May 8th, during the middle of finals week. Lucky? Yes. Thank you Lord for showering me with blessings that I hardly deserve.

With all of that being said—you would think I would be completely content for like a month or, at the very least a week right? You would think the overwhelming happiness that came from feeling loved, the satisfaction that came with the world revolving around me for a day/weekend would give me joy for a WHILE. And here is where I again re-visit the idea that my heart is retarded and messed the heck up, because here I am 3 days later, running on empty. My mind never stops with its sin cycle of death. Satan uses my thought life more than anything else in my life to OWN me. That God would take my thoughts captive is my most frequently prayed prayer. And I could do a whole blog AGAIN about finding satisfaction in Christ alone, but just read the previous one again here. My feelings about the topic have not changed.

Sorry in advance if this blog is not very chipper. I think it is more realistic to know that happiness every single day is not promised in God. You do not walk with God to get answers or to get happiness…although often you do get these things. You walk with God to GET GOD. He is our reward. He is what we should want. If we are pursuing a relationship with Christ because we are hoping that he will get us what we really want: health, wealth, a sense of belonging, answers, a boyfriend, a certain future, good things to happen to us, a good reputation, friends, etc…then whatever it is we are USING HIM for is really our God, not Christ. Did that sentence make sense? We should be pursuing Christ because if we pursue Him, we GET CHRIST. That is what is promised. He is what we should be yearning for. He is not the means to an end. He IS the end, He is the reward, He is the goal, and HE is the GREATEST, the most valuable thing to seek, and the only thing that will ever be enough for us and our messed up, jank selves that all too often “suck at life”. (My sister uses ‘suck at life’ a lot and I laugh every time)

So I want you to know right off the bat that I am HURTING right now because of the place that God has led me to. This situation has been in the back of my head haunting me for about 2-4 weeks now. I do NOT want to walk through what God and I am currently preparing my heart to walk through. Just avoiding it all together seems easier, less painful. And I am not an 'avoider'. This hurts, and I do NOT want to do it. I want you to know that I hate this decision that I have to make. I hate this feeling that I know is coming, that is here already. I know this routine all too well. But I KNOW that God has DIVINELY led me here, THIS is His will. He is holding my hand. He is standing next to me, and I like to think that He has His arm around me, cause God knows I need it. He has a plan. (Jeremiah 29:11) He is gently, softly, lovingly prompting me to take these hard steps, and promising me HIMSELF in the end. He will be there with me through this, and I know from previous experience that if I do not choose to walk through this with him, He will be faithful to throw me over his shoulder and drag me kicking and screaming through it anyways. PS. It hurts a lot more that way. So this time, for the first time in my life I have decided that I will faithfully walk through this with Him, as long as he holds my hand. But I want you to know that I am doing this like a scared and reluctant 2 year old, who’s dad is forcing her to ride Mr. Freeze—the scariest ride at Six Flags over Texas—MUCH BEFORE SHE IS READY to take that plunge. And lets be honest, He will probably still have to carry me some of the way anyways. Too often, I am all talk.

These Ginny Owens lyrics to "If You Want Me To" come to mind:
“The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to

Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to.”

In some ways, when I hear this song and obviously tear up, I get kind of mad at this circumstance. In the imaginary world that always revolves around me, I should not have to hurt. I should not have to do anything that I do not want to do. Brittney and I were talking about how my flesh’s first instinct is that everyone should cater to me, and sinfully I think that they should. My delusional brain really thinks people should be striving to make my life perfect and easy. Clearly this is not reality. Life is hard, and most of the time people don’t care that you are hurting all that much, because chances are they are hurting too. Here is where my hope lies: Romans 8:17 says that "if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” Well THERE is some good news finally. It goes on to say that nothing can separate us from the LOVE of God, which also gives me hope and comforts me infinitely.

***(Side note: I always listen to Christian music blaring through my $3 speakers during blogging sessions, and this song just came on Pandora: “When the road is tough and steep, and it leads my heart to weep, there’s an ocean of tears that You’ve held through the years but we’re not stopping here. On this long and winding street, You will guide these weary feet. Every step that we take with our hearts full of faith and we’re not stopping here. Together we are stronger, so put your hand in mine. We give you praise and the King of all the earth will SAVE US FROM OURSELVES.” (Kingdom of Comfort—Delirious?) Haha! God MOST DEFINITELY has got the most awesome sense of humor and a little sting of sarcasm that I get glimpses of almost daily. I mean talk about SPOT ON right?)***

Anyways I think that it shows how much God loves me that he is continuing to mold me into the image of His Son, even when it sucks bad. Matt Chandler said about his brain tumor that he “felt privileged to be counted worthy to be asked to suffer well for Christ.” Okay I do not have a brain tumor. Nobody has said cancer to me today—(my aunt Trudy says this about every problem….if nobody has said cancer to you that day then you need to count yourself lucky—things could be worse.) But I AM being asked to suffer well for Christ. I have an idolatrous part of my heart, for which God is preparing for surgery because it must come out. Again, not fun.

So on Saturday, I had a two hour drive with Brittney on the way to Austin, where I asked her to basically let me talk--plead my case--and then have her tell me what she thinks I should do. I have had this same conversation at least 12 times with Becca, and twice with Megan. This is what I call seeking wise council. It says in the bible to consult wise Christian council. Check! And guess what? They all say the exact same thing. Well actually to be honest…Megan says it very nicely…trying to consider my feelings through it all. Brittney says it very matter-of-factly, she has reasons 1-10 on why she is right, bullet points on how I should handle it, and uses scripture to back everything up. She treats it very black & white(ly)..shocker there. And Becca, well Becca just tells it how it is. She cuts straight to the core, painful and quick, and leaves no room for coddling. The last time I had this conversation with her, as I was balling like an infant on her bed—visualize me sniffling and whining for 20 minutes—she bluntly snapped: “Ally, do you want my advice or not? (obviously yes..) Okay, well this is probably, slash positively God speaking through me, so you need to dry it up and really listen to what I am about to say. Okay? I know this sucks to hear, but deal with it because I am right. I have never been so sure about something in my entire life.” Haha, all the same information, but my bests are just so different, I LOVE IT.

Anyways, through everything these are the verses that I have clung to for the past couple of weeks:

2 Corinthians 4: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...Therefore we do not lose heart...For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."

1 Peter 1: 5-7: “Through faith you are shielded by God’s power…in this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—maybe proved genuine, and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”

Hosea 6:1: “Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds.”

2 Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

Hebrews 13:5-6: “God has said: ‘Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, the Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid.”

So, here I am. At the edge of the cliff. I normally love cliff jumping, but not this time. Jumping off is going to HURT. It is going to be scary and will inevitably take my breath away. It is going to rock me to my core, and it is going to rip flesh away from my heart. It is going to be painful and just awful. But most importantly it is going to achieve in me a new faith, a deeper understanding of who Christ is, a new dependence on HIM, and in the end will result in HIS GLORY, my joy. My only goal in life. So dang it, here we go. I am reluctant, but I TRUST HIM. This sucks bad but here we stinking go. ETERNAL JOY HERE I COME, ugh this is going to hurt.

Yesterday, Today, and The Pursuit of Joy

Yesterday I woke up early to go on a run/walk around Wolf Pen Creek park trails—one of the things I will miss most about College Station—the park right outside my front door. I needed some time. I needed to get away. Running is my way to get out of my own head. I actually prayed before starting that God would allow my mind to go blank, that I could focus on only Him, and listen for whatever He wanted to tell me. I needed to be quiet. I needed to be still…in my own way, this is how I accomplish this feat—a command from the Word that never fails to frustrate me. I am not much for being still and letting others fight for me. It feels kind of like sitting the bench in the state championship game, in my opinion. And yet yesterday I was ready to take the end seat-(worst seat) on the bench, as I was exhausted from losing in my own imaginary game. The pain of running always stirs some kind of worship in me for the God who never tires. So I tied my shoes and started running and I thought about nothing. Just nothing for an hour and a half, it was glorious.

The past week has really knocked me to my knees, and forced me to return to the foot of the cross in desperation, by no strength of my own. My thoughts have owned me. Anxiety has stalked me, and disappointment in disguise pretended to be my best friend. Even my dreams were taking me captive to sin. My hands were gripping and clinging to familiar idols, painfully begging that they bring me some sort of satisfaction. Funny how that never works, and yet I still do it. I think the mix of exhaustion, stress, and inevitable change in my life has helped the emotional rollercoaster stay on its dangerous and nauseating track. God must be tired of this routine. Then I remember that God never tires in pursuing us, which brings about a whole new sense of worship/praise/unbelief and its resulting flood of tears. He is so gracious to be patient with me as he once again pries my tired fingers from their death grip around whatever idol is taking its precedence that day.

So today--this morning on my run, I listened to my favorite sermon. It’s by John Piper and it’s from Passion 2006. It is a 3 part series, and I try and listen to it at least once a month. Here is what I gained from it:

Our passion should be that Christ would be magnified, honored, glorified in our lives…that He would be made much of by the way that we live. We should make Christ LOOK REALLY GOOD with our lives, and like Paul says in Philippians, that’s whether we live or whether we die. “For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is GAIN.” The last part…the dying part…that is the shocking part. Death is gain? Piper explains that: “Christ shines in [Paul’s] dying. Because when Paul dies he basically says: ‘when I loose EVERYTHING on earth, my family, my wealth, my reputation, my health…when I lose it ALL, I say GAIN.’ When that happens in a hospital room or on a battlefield in Iraq…PEOPLE SEE CHRIST AS VALUABLE above life. When that happens, oh how BIG Christ looks, how massive, how gloriously triumphant over death He looks! Christ is seen to be satisfying a soul more deeply, more intensely than anything life offers can satisfy it. Christ, God Almighty, is glorified in our dying, when WE are satisfied in Christ in our dying. The implications for your life are unspeakably great if you believe that.”

So basically…Christ is worth more than anything in this life, and the only thing that can EVER satisfy us fully. His trademark slogan that God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him helps to make sense of it. He says that when you live in a way that God satisfies you more than ANYTHING in this life, THEN he is seen as the most glorious thing in the world. Therefore we should pursue our satisfaction/joy in Christ alone. He goes on to say:

“Therefore you should, SHOULD—this is demand here—devote yourself with all your mind, all your heart, and all your strength to pursuing your joy/satisfaction in God. You should pursue the enlargement and the intensification and the deepening of your joy so hard, that THAT JOY in Christ can be shaken by NO PAIN, and can be competed with by NO PLEASURE. That’s your goal. This is massively life changing, and very biblical. God is most glorified in you, when you are most satisfied in Him.

Therefore you SHOULD all day, every day, pursue your maximum and eternal JOY. So that you are not deluded by the alternative competing pleasures of this world that will make your life WORTHLESS WITH HAPPINESS in the wrong place. Prepare yourself for suffering, DRIVEN BY JOY. You are commanded by the bible to be happy in GOD. You are not suggested to be happy, you are not told that it would be an inadvertent result of other things that you do by way of duty, you are COMMANDED TO BE HAPPY IN GOD. Psalm 100: “Serve the Lord with gladness.”

I have heard this sermon probably 20 times, and yet this is still astounding to me. God knows that the only thing that will satisfy our pathetic, desperate hearts is HIM. And so He gives us Himself. The most loving act ever committed. The most gracious act. God showed me again that He is worth infinitely more than anything else that I pursue. The part that really brought tears to my eyes is when he said that we should “pursue our maximum and eternal joy so that we are not deluded by the alternative competing pleasures of this world that will make your life WORTHLESS WITH HAPPINESS in the wrong place.” I think this statement is baffling, and yet it makes perfect sense. We can have temporary satisfaction in a lot of things on this earth, but they will never fill the void in our hearts.

And so all of this to say, the command of the bible is to pursue our own joy. How great is that? And in case you didn’t catch this point: your maximum joy is found in Christ alone. Pursue him with everything you’ve got. It is infinitely and eternally worth it.

So today I left my phone at home on purpose. I just wanted to be away from everything. Just wanted to be where I was. I ran and then I went to the pool with Laura and Becca and laid out for something around 5 hours. We did our bible study. We got some Vitamin D, and a little too much sun. We played and played forever in the pool, every game you can think of. We acted like 7 year olds. We did cannon balls. We laughed hysterically. We talked about real stuff. We talked about stupid stuff. We talked about popping zits and which ones were ready and which were not. We talked about summer. We prayed for each other. We were happy…genuinely happy, and not distracted by anything or anyone just for those 5 hours. We experienced community in the Lord. I love those two.

Today I was joyful in God. I was happy in Him and following the command of His Word. Today I released my grip on idols that always leave me unsatisfied, and was not consumed by them. Today my thoughts were healthy. Today things seemed right. Today GOD was magnified in my living. Praise HIS NAME, for it is HIS GRACE that brought about today.

“Because of the Lord’s great love, WE ARE NOT CONSUMED, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness!” –Lamentations 3:22-23