On Edge

It’s weird that I am experiencing writer’s block because I feel like there is a lot I want to say. Frankly I am really pleased with how deep this blog has been thus far, but at the same time I don’t want this thing acting as my diary, although lets be honest...the blog world is the diary of the 21^st century. But I don’t feel like that really represents my whole self. Here’s to switching things up from time to time. Now that we have cleared that up, moving on.

FIRST TO BE ADDRESSED: this is my 3^rd blog post in three days. I deserve a blogging trophy, gold medal, certificate, or at the very least a high five from all around. I mean…talk about accomplishment. I guess that comes with being unemployed and having nothing to do besides coffee shop exploring. (More on that later.)

I am not exaggerating when I say that I have been an emotional basketcase trying to figure out what in the free world I am supposed to do with my life now that I am a Coloradian (?)…(see: Colorado permanent resident). So I have this big interview for this fancy schmancy job tomorrow, and it makes me a little vulnerable to even put that out there on the WWW because there is a very high percentage chance that I will not get this job. Its not exactly an entry level position, and I am obviously the most entry level applicant that you can possibly get. The job position requirements say that you need a minimum of at least 2 years experience in the field, and since I have zero years I am pretty much completely riding on my personality and charm.

But here’s to trying, and here’s to therapy when I end up not getting it. I will tell you one thing, I am avoiding and steering clear of counseling at all cost, because lets be real—we all know how that turned out last time. And if you don’t know how that turned out last time…well it’s a tragic story for another day.

So like I said, here’s to trying. And "Why not...why not take a crazy chance? Why not do a crazy dance?" -Hillary Duff. And a crazy dance is EXACTLY what I will be doing if it so happens that they give me this job. On the chance that that does not happen, I feel confident in the support system that I have in place when/if they tell me that I am under-qualified for the position, which I am. (I have, however, scripted a rebuttal argument that I am not afraid to use.) So I will keep you guys posted as far as that goes.

INSERT: If AT&T drops another call…I am going to lose my shiz. And if skype doesnt let me talk to my best frans that live across the country I am going to throw my computer across the room. I am on edge, technology. Please respect that.

January19: Megan Day

Today I feel the need to acknowledge a friend via blog. I have never done a blog post solely for the purpose of a shout out, but you know what there is a time for everything, and today is Megan Templin’s day (SHOUT OUT). She not only deserves a day, but I need to spice this thing up anyways. And it’s not her birthday or anything, but she doesn’t need to get any older for us to celebrate her existence. So to all my avid followers (four), applaud my infamous tiny best friend.

Mego, Temps, Bambi, Glitter Pitts….these are some of the references used to nickname my friend Megan. Things were not always how they are today for us, so I will give you a background check. We met in Lampe, Missouri at Kanakuk and you can go read all the sappiness of my FIRST BLOG, when I listed all the reasons why I really love her, how we met….the whole romantic story. Except it wasn’t. We both had a common dislike for one another thanks to stereotyping the other. She was friends with my ex-boyfriend which usually means grounds for a lifetime of bitter jealousy…it’s like an unspoken rule not to befriend the new friends of your ex boyfriend that you may or may not have still been in love with at the time. Especially if his new friend is way cuter than you are. But at least this is consistent with my goal of having friends that are nicer, prettier, smarter, and more Christ-like than me. Megan is all of the above.

I digress.

Anyways there are a lot of reasons why I not only love Megan…but I like her. For starters the girl can eat unlimited amounts of peanut M&Ms and still be a toothpick. (NOTE: This fact should be transferred to the things I dislike about Megan….which is a very short list and only include things like “her major makes her too busy for my liking”.) But for realz, here are some answers as to why I really like her. These are, but not limited to, the following:

#231: Meg is one of the few people who appreciate my humor and can keep up with me as far as wit goes. That is a skill that I would not accredit to many people.

#4: She lets me wear sweatpants in public, acknowledging that it takes some real talent to dress identical to a homeless person. And she keeps the lez jokes to 5 or less per visit. I appreciate her for that.

#178: Megan is one of the few friends who I can trust to help talk me out of an identity crisis such as the one I almost had the other day when the stars apparently re-aligned and changed my zodiac sign. I was happy being a Taurus and then BAM, I am an Aries? Like who the hell am I?

#57: She has a bucket list that she actually checks things off of. I love lists…I mean a good itinerary can give me warm fuzzies inside, but I am not going to lie to you…bucket lists scare the S-H-I-Z out of me. Being competitive, what if I do not accomplish my list of the bucket before God takes me!? Would that not make me an all out failure? Anyways whatever, Megan has overcome these realistic and daunting fears and is steadily making amendments to, and crossing things off of her bucket list. And the point of this fact is that she lets me check things off her bucket list with/alongside her…like the time she basically drug me by the pony tail to get Hillsong tickets because BY GOLLY we were going to see Hillsong Live if it killed us beneath the trample of 30,000 college students.

#738: She talked me into seeing ‘Burlesque’ which was the best movie of 2010 in my (our) opinion.

#122: She never fails to take me to a Mexican Restaurant every time I come to visit, complete with chips and salsa/+queso (ALWAYS). The girl knows the way to my heart.

#7: She sends me texts like this: (in reference to the band Girl Talk)

#39: She is smarter than me. Little skank is studying neuroanatomy or something (I think she makes these words up) and she makes 4.0’s in grad school at Baylor University. Like who does that?

#28: We are about even on who has the most debauchery in our pasts. She knows when to appropriately make jokes about my sinful nature, even when its inappropriate. I also know that I can attack her right back on her own junk. Honesty is key, and we are both honestly aware of our train-wreck, wack job status. I like the feeling of not being alone in that feat.

#5: Megan is the ONLY PERSON who understands how to handle me when I enter crisis mode and threatens to kill/destroy/annihilate anyone who hurts me, promising to come to wherever I am and bring a weapon. As if she could defend me better than I could defend myself. She has the heart of a Lion and while I could take her in a physical fight with my eyes closed, I respect her courage. ...But then again, she punched a boy in the face. ……..reassessment of said statement.

#12: She is part of my family. A frister, per say. Creepily high on our adoption list no matter what it takes. (Carson is recently single.....just saying)

#907: She rides four wheelers, shoots guns, and lives on a farm.

#27: Megan comes to visit me when I move halfway across the country and supports the idea that I plan on being in the x-games. I feel confident that she would come and pose as my trainer when the time comes that I really am competing in the women’s halfpipe.

#456: She orders books off of the internet about Serial Killers and then has to creepily hide it in her jacket while transporting it to her book shelf in order for her neighbors to not be concerned.

#772: She bought a file organizer at Wal Mart at 2AM while visiting me in the Shady T, because she had seen it on an infomercial and it would be "perfect to organize her files."

#29: She will text me and let me entertain the obsession I have with talking via #hashtags. #realbestfriend

#88: She follows all the greatest cheesy teenage tv shows and likes them, therefore making it much easier to discuss the awesomeness of Gossip Girl and how Blair is LEGIT.

#10: She introduced me to Modern Family, which in and of itself could have sold me on our friendship.

In conclusion, there are tons of reasons why Megan should have a full blog dedicated solely to her, and I am glad that you could be a part of a few of them. Cheers to you, Megan. Now invest in a good winter coat and stop being such a titty baby about the snow.....COME. TO. COLORADO.

New Year, New Life

Sorry about my absence. Life has been a little nuts lately. Here is the 30 second catch up…Being home for a month was amazing, I love my family. I wish they all lived in Denver with me now. Christmas was phenomenal as it always is, and I remember how rich I am and how overwhelmingly blessed. I spent the entirety of my time at home with my family, running errands with Trudy, lunch and dinners with my mom, and attached at the hip to Brittney and Carson. I worked to get enough money to support the trek back to Colorado. I got to be a part of a beautiful wedding, where my big sister and mentor married the love of her life and became a Beaver! I felt so blessed to share that time with her. I got to see my best friends from High School, brief as it was, but speaking of weddings, my BEST FRIEND GOT ENGAGED! That’s right, everyone, Beef is off the market. She is planning her New Year’s Eve wedding for 2011, and I am going to get to be a bridesmaid all over again! Her relationship with Dustin gives hope to the rest of the world, as they are perfect for each other. I spent this New Years Eve quietly at home with family, and I didn’t mind. The next day it was a new year, and I started a new life as I embarked on the journey back to Denver, Colorado…my new home.

I have now been living in Denver for two weeks, yesterday. Here is the best I can do to get the chaos of the past 18 days onto paper.

God is teaching me a lot of things right now, especially through being essentially dropped in a big city without a map. At least that’s kind of how I feel. Last semester I was on my knees constantly begging for direction from the Lord about what to do after YWAM. Denver. That’s the only answer I got. Why Denver? Why not make the easy move to Dallas? I would be close to family, close to friends, and be familiar with my surroundings, confident of job opportunities. But no, God said Denver. So as I put on my cloak of independence, I braved the snowstorm and headed Northwest. About an hour into the drive, I thought “What the heck am I doing?!” About two hours into the drive, while listening to Mumford and Sons: “After the Storm”, I received some kind of peace from the Lord that I was living in the middle of His will and plan for my life. I have always wanted to live in Colorado. And here I am doing it.

SIDE NOTE: Whoever thinks you cannot worship to secular music is mistaken. Mumford and Sons have some seriously spiritual undertones, and their lyrics point me straight towards the God of the Universe. This particular song’s melody screams “There will come a day, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears.” I don’t know why that calmed me down so much, but I just got some kind of affirmation that the God who created life was in control. And that his love should guide me, because His love is the only kind worth trusting. The only love that doesn’t disappoint. Ever.

I wont say it hasn’t been lonely at times, by myself in a big city. But amidst my fears, real as they are…I feel the presence of a God that is bigger than me. He has blessed me in more ways that I can describe:

Example #1: I live with the Gray family. Lorrie and Chris, and their two daughters, Zoe and Nadia. The most gracious of all families, I am so privileged to come home to such a welcoming group. I have gotten to watch them parent, and I learn so much from conversations with Lorrie about life and God and everything else. God has so sovereignly placed me here for a reason. I know the Lord better by interacting with the Gray family. And it is really the biggest blessing to never have to come home to an empty house. Thank you, Gray Family.

Example #2: Four summers ago I worked at Kanakuk, and during work week I met a girl named Alex Buth who I automatically clicked with. You know those friends that just happen in an instant? This was one of those times. I only spent two weeks with Alex but I always remembered her, and I am pretty sure we wrote letters back and forth during the summer of 2007. When I moved back to Denver, she is the one and only friend I had here. Oh how great the Lord is for advocating such a friend. She has welcomed me with open arms into her life, always including me and letting me tag along. Through her, I re-met Sydni Sullivan, (another K2 girl from 2007) and the greatest guy friend named James. Alex has served as an open door into community in Denver, and I am so grateful for her generosity as she has made the transition from Texas to Colorado so much easier. Thank you, Alex Buth.

Example #3: About 10 years ago, a boy named Andrew Summersett was my boyfriend and he was passionately involved with what seemed like some kind of cult called ‘Kanakuk’. I cannot thank him enough for introducing me into the world that is Kanakuk, I owe him big time for that. He opened my eyes to a group of Christian athletes like myself who were seeking a relationship with Christ Jesus. Since being in Colorado I have gotten to be a part of the K-LIFE chapter here. Kanakuk has provided me with lifelong friendships, and countless opportunities. In a round about way, Andrew paved the way for a life of gospel community, everywhere I go. The Kanakuk network was my avenue for doing YWAM, for attaining my best friends, and now is serving as my sanctuary here in Denver. On Monday nights I have been attending K-LIFE club, and have met some AMAZING girls that have welcomed me with open arms. I ate lunch with one of such girls today, Lana. And Blair is a College Station native! A small piece of home :) Funny how God uses my high school boyfriend to show me His grace through others. Thank you Andrew Summersett, Kanakuk, Lana Hass, Blair Whitley, and Tayler Ratanassin.

Example #4: My mom. My mom is……there are no words. The most supportive and loving person that lives. Oh how lucky I am to have such a phenomenal support system at home. She is the reason I am who I am. She is the reason I am in Denver, painful as it might be for her, accepting the distance between here and Texas. My mom is the most selfless person on the planet, and I cannot even imagine the size of her crown that is waiting for her in heaven. I have the best mom of anyone, anywhere. While I have been in Denver, searching for direction and trusting the Lord that called me here, my mom has been faithful to support me. Emotionally, physically, financially…you name it. My mom makes it possible for me to pursue the Lord wholeheartedly. It is so comforting to know that she loves me no matter what I do. I hope that someday I can be half the mom to my kids that she has been to me. I cant imagine a more successful mother. Anyways, talk about blessing from the Lord. I could not do what I am doing without her. And alongside her support, I have the same support from Brittney and Carson, Trudy, Kaleb and Roman, and my sweet Grandmommy. That’s my team. And I would pick them for my team every time. Thank you, Mom and family.

Example #5: God has just been opening avenues for me to pursue Him in every aspect. YWAMers have let me borrow snowboard equipment so that I can snowboard, while worshiping the God that allows me to be physically able to slide down a snowy mountain on a board. I like to look around and see how big my God is while taking in the beauty of nature in the winter wonderland of the Rocky Mountains. I have so many people in place here in Denver who want to be a part of my adventure. And I serve the God that put them there. God is opening doors for a career, and I will update you more on that later. I am just trying to keep my eyes on Him, trusting his guidance. He has proven trustworthy again and again. Thank you, Lord.

So while some days are harder than others, I am slowly settling down in Colorado. And when I sit back and think about it, I love it here. I love the mountains. I love the snow. I love that I live in the sunniest city in America. I love the God that brought me here.

And one final thing that I am learning is honesty with myself and with God. Rightfully that Matt Chandler is starting a series on the topic. I am being blatantly honest with God. Or at least trying to. I think that’s the one thing that helps my healing in almost every avenue of my life. I came to a huge painful conclusion about the state of my heart the other day that I had been denying for something like a year and a half now. Out loud I admitted my sin, the sin that I had so positively denied. It brought about some kind of freedom to own up to who I am-broken and unworthy, knowing that the gospel frees me to do so. God loves me regardless of my actions, shortcomings, and failures. Therefore my identity should be rooted not in what I can accomplish, but in what Christ already accomplished for me on the cross. I think the gospel is meant to bring us to the end of ourselves so that we finally place our meaning, purpose, and sense of well-being in Christ alone. And I get to the end of parts of me pretty often. Some days I am overwhelmed with how grateful I am, and I FEEL it. Other days, while the knowledge of how blessed I am remains in my head, I don’t feel it. I feel alone and sad…for no apparent reason. So I am faithful to tell God that I feel like that. Not like he doesn’t know in the first place. Some days I feel hopeless. Some days I feel overwhelmed. Some days I feel like I am on top of the world. I have been in love before….once or twice, and I want to be in LOVE with the Lord. I have found my thoughts drifting to the Lord lately, and I think that is a good sign. I sometimes love other things more than I love God…Lord save me from myself. One thing that moving to Colorado has made painfully clear is my dependence on Christ Jesus. On his unfailing love. On his healing grace, and unending mercy. I believe that I am loved. I don’t believe it fully, but I am making some leeway. I only hope that I will be filled so full with this love that it will pour out of me into the lives of others.

This was scattered, but in conclusion, trust God. Trust the God that created you. When He says do something ridiculous, do it. Because it is by this type of faith that we get to see Him be faithful. Dallas would have been fine. I would have relied on my own self sufficiency and been fine. But I would have missed seeing God provide in ways that I could not imagine. Monica Rex sent me this “A life characterized by apparent self sufficiency finds no inherent need or desperate longing for such a sacrifice. In order to find oneself worthy in Christ, one must first find themselves completely unworthy in the sense that a hole must be present that only Christ can fill.” And can I just say, Christ fills that hole so perfectly.

Christmas Wishlist

Forewarning: This blog isn't going to be deep. Im not in a deep kind of mood, although if I sat here and dwelled on some stuff, I could get there almost instantly. But as it stands I am keeping MT company as she studies her life away, eating Christmas cookies at half past midnight. I'm really happy right now, although I would prefer to transport to Waco for the night, and road trip to College Station tomorrow for a tacky Christmas sweater party. Those are really my favorite. I would wear polka dotted leggings. And big grandma glasses....and KEDS. Of course keds.

No, instead of pouring my heart out into cyberspace, I am going to remain in the shallow end tonight, and give you my 2010 Christmas Wish List. Tis the season to be jolly. (none of the following items are a joke).

1. I want to dress/act/look like/sing like/BE Brooke Fraser. (Disregarding her newest music video for the single "Betty" which was an obvious disappointment.) She is clearly my role model, but she is just so freaking awesome. I mean granted this might seem like an unhealthy obsession.....and it is. Completely unhealthy obsession. But get off my back, at least I'm not modeling my life after Marilyn Manson. Or Barack Obama. HAHA....oops stepping on some toes there. .....Liberals, ahem. So whatever cut me some slack.

2. I want some magic shoes that will transport me to wherever I want to go, whenever I want to go. And they better be comfortable because I plan on wearing them alot. I assume they would be ruby red like in "The Wizard of Oz" and would probably fit something like Sketchers shape-ups because I am now wearing them outside of the workplace where black shoes are required because of their high comfort level and the fact that my booty is seriously going to be something fierce by the end of this holiday season. Yep I said it.

3. I want to REALLY be able to dance. Like real talk....and I am talking like real dance. Not like ballet. Ballet is gay. I am talking hip hop. I mean, I am a rock star at the 2-step (thanks to living in College Station) and the one other dance move that I laughingly call my "go to" move which I copied from dance professional herself, Becca Feagin. But seriously, I am like counting down the days until Step Up 3 comes out on DVD so I can try and mimic that girl's every move. I saw the movie in 3D with my friends Stephen and Sinque when I lived in Denver and left wanting to start my own dance crew and try out for So You Think You Can Dance. And actually...I can't dance, so that's why I am adding it to the wish list. I genuinely like dancing even though I probably look like a typical ex-cheerleader with clinched fists, and it doesn't help having athletics as my only background for coordination. Shockingly enough being a pro-dribbler in basketball doesn't prepare you for the pop lock & drop. WHO KNEW!?

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2734556697/

4. I want a pedicure. I would like my toes painted with white tips, French style. Because I like looking at my feet when my toes have paint on them. And I want this pedicure to be with a great friend who will chat with me about how much it tickles when they use that scrubber on the bottom of my feet.

5. I want a money tree. Much like the giving tree, but instead of me chopping it down to a stump and sitting on it when I am old, I would just prefer its leaves to be usable cash. And I would water it and take care of it and make sure it gets plenty of sunshine and in return, it would pay me. Why is that so much to ask?


6. I want all my best friends to live within 30 minutes of me. And I want to live in Denver, Colorado. So in conclusion, I want all of my best friends to move to Denver.

7. I want my own snowboard, and matching gear. I want to have like really cool snowboarding gear...the kind that when people see me, they think, "wow she must be like a legit x-games snowboarder." And while I am on this kick....I would like to actually be an x-games snowboarder. And I would sport one of these beanies as I conquered the half pipe.

8. I want Whole Foods to cater all of my meals, and provide me with lots of organic healthy foods, and cool contraptions like juicers and food processors and teach me to cook, so that I can become a gourmet chef. Some nights I am going to just want the chef himself, because I will be tired from snowboarding and not want to cook. But on the nights that I have enough energy, I legitimately want to learn how to cook, well. And then I will make yummy food with all of my cute matching cookware, and invite all of my friends over to my house to eat dinner and watch movies and swap Christmas presents, like the ornament exchange that my high school besties are currently in the middle of.

9. I want sweat pants to become the newest hip clothing. But since Hollywood will never submit to that, I want someone to come pick out my outfits that have been given to me by Anthropologie or Urban Outfitters every morning. I cant promise that I will forfeit the sweat pants every day.....but on some days, seeing that a cute outfit was layed out on my dresser, I would at least try it on. Does anyone remember the Disney Channel Original Movie "Smart House"......yea, BINGO.

10. I want an unlimited amount of Spiced Chai Tea Latte's, preferably from Lollicup, but Starbucks will suffice.

11. I want to own an Interior Design shop, where I can personally decorate people's houses to look like they came straight out of Southern Living Magazine. The first employee I would hire would be my aunt Trudy, who already does a great job of decorating her own house to mimick the style. I think that would be a really fun career to have, kind of like the one that I stalk via THIS BLOG. I am excited beyond excited to decorate my little house in Denver (when I get it). That is FUN for me...I mean not like bungee jumping at six flags kind of fun, but still the kind that I probably wont be able to sleep the night before.


12. I want a dog. Maybe a labradoodle, like Brittany Forrester's dog. I want it to be big and playful, but I do not want it to smell like a dog. Brittany's dog, Avery, is big and brown and curly haired and she smells, feels, and really looks like a blanket. She is my favorite dog ever. And she doesnt pee or bark incessantly. She just is obedient and perfect and cute. So actually, I was just wondering if Avery could have a puppy....what do you think Beef?

13. I want chicken minis from Chik-Fil-A to win some kind of Holiday Award of some sort. Like maybe, "Best breakfast treat EVER" award. I really think they deserve it, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't let it go to their heads.

14. I want to run a half marathon. I know that it's possible, but it seems so hard to get to a point where running 13 miles is do-able. So actually I want the motivation to train to run a half marathon first. And I want to run it somewhere that I can look around at pretty scenery or something to distract me from the more common thoughts that come to me while running like: "omg my legs are going to fall off" or "am I going to collapse?" or "if I just ran off of the trail and into the woods would anyone notice that I dropped out of the race/would I know how to get back to my car and cry?" I want to run this half marathon in 2011...but that is more of a resolution which I will save for a later blog post.

15. I want unlimited supply of those little Christmas tree cakes.

16. I want cute festive socks. A different pair for every day of December. And I need them to be extra warm, since I am moving to the arctic.

17. I want to build an igloo in the snow. I had never even heard of building igloos in the snow, nor did I even know it was POSSIBLE until my friend Savannah informed me of this winter time phenomenon. And seeing that I am moving to a snowy wonderland, I see this as being possible in my near future.

18. I want to be inspiring with the way that I live. I want to constantly invade earth with heaven, proclaiming the gospel with the way that I love. I want to prove by my life that Jesus is real, can save, and transforms. That life with Him is the only satisfaction we will ever find. I want to be radical with my actions. (WHOOPS just almost slipped into the deep end there.)

19. I want to go to a bonfire (and we're back to the kiddie pool). At this bonfire, I want to roast s'mores and drink hot cocoa. I want to wear festive scarfs and hats and ugg boots even though its only 50 degrees in Texas on our coldest day. And I want someone to take alot of pictures this night so we can remember how much fun we had and over-sensationalize it later in the year.

20. I WANT IT TO BE CHRISTMAS!! And for Christmas to never end! And for Santa to come! And to wear matching pajamas with my whole family that we opened in our stockings the night before. And I want it to snow in Texas (thats asking alot). And I want to be cozy and happy and all of these things....keeping in mind that we are celebrating Jesus!!

So there you have it. The most selfish "I want" blog ever. And I really do want all of these things, all kidding aside. Merry almost Christmas. I hope everyone is having a super happy holiday season.

This I know, for the Bible Tells Me So

I am currently in what I like to call a “pity me” mode. Fiona Gifford, the one person who I would literally move anywhere in the world to be mentored by, told me that our ears need to hear our mouths speak truth and our eyes need to see it written. Seems like thanks to Fiona and the help of my closest sources of accountability that God is asking me to speak truth into myself. Especially seeing that I am presumably at a weak place. My least favorite and first step is telling God how I really feel and admitting the sin and wickedness of my own heart, acknowledging that I have again fallen short of His glory. Usually this is the time to go ahead and announce that I still have strands of idolatry in my heart that desperately need redeeming. A feat only God can accomplish.

So tonight I am admitting straight up that I am not worthy of my place in the kingdom, and only thanks to Jesus Christ can I stand blameless before the throne. I am saying out loud that there are things and people that I love more than I love the God who created me; that my rebellious heart still pleads for the things of this world to attempt to fill its void, although my rational mind knows better. Yet my heart often wins the war as I try again and again to cram relationships and everything else into the gaping hole that never loses its appetite for more, and is never satisfied.

David Marvin gave a talk one summer at Kanakuk about the process of self examination and its painful process. Oh how I wish I could look away from the mirror that I must look in. I wish that I could go on living in sweet oblivion and pushing all my problems to the side, sweeping them under the rug. But then you have a lumpy rug and you eventually trip and fall down. So thanks to that lumpy rug reasoning, and the fact that I am ABSOLUTELY a dweller, I instead am forced to deal with my emotions at face value and here is where I get really thankful for a perfect God:

Isaiah 55:8-9 says “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my thoughts higher than your thoughts and my ways higher than your ways.”

WELL PRAISE THE LIVING GOD. The bible commands us over and over again to renew our minds. What does that even mean? Like I wish God would just zap me from the heavens and I would automatically be holy and function in a manner only worthy of Christ. Seriously, lightning bolt into my head and make me Godly. For some reason I dont think it works that way, and Fiona says that we are responsible for our own thoughts. It is our responsibility to capture sinful thoughts, rebuke lies, and replace them with what is true and of God. God never condemns but only convicts. And if our thoughts are not in sync with the thoughts of God, they are not worthwhile to dwell on. So me, being a dweller (as Brittney is so faithful to remind me), I have to choose to dwell only on things that hold absolute truth. So LETS DO THIS. Here is what I absolutely KNOW:

I know that I have a God who loves me. I have a belief system where I can have absolute certainty of my salvation. My sole purpose is to bring glory to the Almighty God.

I know that I have eternal security.I know where I am going and its GOOD. The end of this story turns out very well, and for this I am thankful that the world and its depravity is the only hell that I will ever have to experience. ("He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4)

I know that there is nothing I can do to make my God love me any more or any less than He does at this moment. There is no failure or disaster than can shake his love for me.

I know that every day is a new day, and every act of repentance is a new beginning.

I know that Jesus Christ died for me, for the atonement of my sins, providing the entirety of my belief system. I know that He rose from the dead, is seated at the right hand of God, and He is coming again. OH GLORIOUS DAY.

I know that the Holy Spirit enables me to be different than I used to be. He IS renewing my mind and slowly walking me through both victories and failures, molding me. I know that I will be different tomorrow thanks to the promised progressive sanctification of the Lord.

I know that God speaks to me through the scriptures, through music, through His still soft voice. I know that he longs to speak to me and guide my footsteps. I know that His words are like living water and serve as constant affirmation, the only kind that really fills me up.

I know that I have a family who loves me, adores me. A support system of seven lunatics who will stand by my side no matter what, through think and thin. Who will help keep me busy when I cant get control of my own thoughts (insanityyyy). And all who serve the same victorious God.

To get specific I know that I have a sister who is the best person in the world and who gives me the BEST advice, even if most of the time its to “chill out” and not worry so much. Brittney keeps me on my toes and loves me the way Christ calls each of us to love.

I know that I have a brother who is my hero and is setting an example with his life that I love and respect more than he will ever know. Carson is my hero.

I know that I have friends that are absolutely the icing on the cake in this life. I have accountability like none other and friends that will love me through my craziness. I have new friends and old friends and mostly small friends actually. I have some friends from kamps and some from college and some from when I was 10 years old. I have friends that push me towards the cross. I know that I can call them when I am in a frenzy and they will speak life into me and not death. I know that I can rely on them through all the storms of life.

I know that I am healthy and have no serious ailments. I am blessed.

I know that God will be faithful to complete the good work he started in me. (Philippeans 1:6)

I know that God has a plan for my life to prosper me and not to harm me. (Jeremiah 29:11) I know that He is in control at all times in every situation regardless of how it looks/feels.

I know that the God of the Universe is in relentless pursuit of me regardless of me completely.

Knowing and living truth must be synonymous. Obedience is a reflection of how well we know our Creator. God can be included and reign sovereign over our rationale, reasoning, and thoughts. We, being created in the image of Him, are but an echo of the living God. So tonight, once again I am choosing joy. Here is one reason why:

Because I am sitting in the room that I share with my little brother. He has his shirt off while he is studying so he can glance at his newly developed muscles from time to time in the mirror. I giggle at him and admire him. He just told me a story for 10 minutes about how he can talk his way out of bad grades sometimes, and that’s why its okay that he didn’t start studying until AFTER we watched 3 episodes of Criminal Minds. I get to spend an entire month with this boy who I love all the way down to my toes. This boy calls me his big sister and I found him in my bed when I walked in tonight, ready to snuggle me. So tonight the truth of the matter is that I am blessed. So stinkin blessed that its too much for my little heart to take in. In this moment I know that truth from the Lord overrides any lies of insecurity that the enemy has whispered in my ear all day long.

This is the excerpt of a blog post of a girl I don’t know, but she’s spot on (Thanks MT): “I think this is a life-long season, and having a renewed mind is a full-time job. I can't afford to be lackadaisical about it. Its amazing how the more I clear out of my head that isn't of God, the more open space He has to fill with things that are of God. And the best news is, God doesn't hold grudges. So if one day I'm really bad at renewing my mind, we're still on speaking terms the next morning, and He is just as willing, wanting, that I might have the mind of Christ.”

I LOVE THAT. I love that even when we suck BAD, we can start the next day again anew, with a loving, patient God who is not holding a grudge at our past failures. Oh if I could even fathom a love like His. The more and more I come to terms with the way that God really loves me, I look at life differently. The gospel, when understood, absolutely changes you. It rocks me to my core. Because I can find my emotional security in this God, in Christ's achievement for me, I can admit my wrongs and weaknesses without feeling deflated.

"...you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind and put on the new self which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth." Ephesians 4:22-24

See? Already I am out of pity me mode and into: 'OH God thank you so much' mode. Speak truth. Rebuke lies. Enjoy life people. Enjoy the ups and downs and the good times and bad. Drink it in, because we are but the morning dew, here today and gone today. So buckle up and choose joy. Not to mention, a calm sea isnt the goal in life...it's the excpetion. God makes waves. Us too.

I Could Listen Forever

Music is one thing that I think proves the existence of a divine creator God. Music in its shear beauty has the ability to completely reconstruct a down day, move me to tears, and convict my heart all at the same time. I am a sucker for good lyrics, and can just get sent overboard on a good melody with some meaningful truths keeping its rhythm. Music gets me through some days. Lyrics affirm and validate my emotions. Its like when I listen to good music, I start craving its source. I crave more of its sound, I want it to fill me and flow through me. And yet the music is not what I crave, but only an indicator of something greater. I want to experience music in a way that my human body prevents me from doing. I think that when we get to spend eternity with God we will get to taste, see, smell, touch, AND hear music in all of its rhythmic perfection. We will probably experience in many more ways than we can even imagine. A blissful epitome of a paradise that we cannot even imagine.

C.S. Lewis puts it nicely. "The books or the music in which we thought beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it [beauty] was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing stirred up within us. These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past, the music—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."

Oh how I long for the creator of something as beautiful as music. I long to meet it's author; the musical, lyrical, genius who never runs out of words, and is limited by nothing. The echos of what my heart desires are overwhelming.

Here are some excellent vessels that the Lord uses to capture the heart of his grateful daughter...take some time this December to worship the God who created beauty in sound. All of these are what I consider good cold weather music.

1. MUMFORD AND SONS
Mumford and Sons stands as my favorite right now (although the position changes on a weekly basis). If you dont know about Mumford & Sons, please do yourself a favor and just buy their entire album entitled "Sigh No More". I would also suggest building a bonfire while you are waiting on the CD to download from iTunes. Invite your friends, have a drink, roast s'mores and listen to Mumford....watch these videos for a glimpse of their greatness:

Winter Winds
The Cave
Little Lion Man
White Blank Page


2. BROOKE FRASER
Brooke (we are on a first name basis, since I follow her on twitter) just came out with a new album this fall entitled "Flags" and it is a MUST HAVE. But you need every Brooke Fraser song ever written. Plan on getting convicted by her lyrics, and please let Brooke turn any dreary day around. Her music can put a positive spin on most any situation. My favorites are:
C.S. Lewis Song
Albertine
Something in the Water
Betty
Coachella
Faithful

3. THE AVETT BROTHERS
I am reminded of my good friend, Erin everytime that I listen to the Avetts, and they played a concert in Denver while I was in Colorado. Please listen to them with an open mind all you close-minded music lovers...start with something like "I and Love and You" and please download "The Ballad of Love and Hate" for the most brilliant lyrics. "November Blue" is one of my favorites, and end with "The Weight of Lies."

4. INGRID MICHAELSON
Sweetest voice ever, and the cutest lyrics of all! PLEASE listen to "You and I" and giggle at how fun it would be if the lyrics came true. And of course "The Winter Song" and "Morning Lullabies". All of her stuff is best recieved while drinking a hot spiced chai tea in a quaint coffee cup with low lighting. I mean, if you want to do it right....do it right. You also probably want a cozy couch and a good book. Here's a glimpse:

Maybe

5. IRON AND WINE
Another coffee shop band, and also the perfect music to cuddle to. This is more of a sleepy band, but it reminds me of December cold and getting snuggley in bed. This band gives me the same feeling as when, after a long day, I take a shower (in the winter) and get all clean, shave my legs, slip into my PJs and run and jump in the bed, shivering and immediately assuming the fetal position to get warm. Its the feeling you get when the chills start to go away and you are so thankful for your mattress, your blankets, and glorious combination of the two, providing a glimpse of warmth. Of course you have to stretch and pull the covers up right under your nose to get the full effect. This image makes me happy and I'd definitely want Iron and Wine playing in the background during the entire scenario. Here's what you need:
He Lays in the Reigns
Each Coming Night
The Trapeze Swinger
Naked As We Came

6. ALEXI MURDOCH
Ah if anyone has seen the movie "Away We Go" and recognized the epic soundtrack, its basically all Alexi. This is my favorite music to fall asleep to, preferably in a hammock under the stars. And of course a campfire, a fuzzy blanket, and some big wooly socks keping me warm. Say hello to the Alexi Murdoch serenade session:
Blue Mind
Song For You
Orange Sky
All My Days

7. RAY LAMONTAGNE
If I could only listen to one music artist for the rest of my life....I would be extremely tempted to choose Ray LaMontagne. He is a classic, and if you dont have his stuff, shame on you. Side note, his music may or may not make you girls want to date a tall scruffy boy who can sing and play guitar and wears plaid...or maybe that is only me? Regardless, I always get the urge to slow dance when his songs are playing. I think it would be a good time to do a slow motion scene, scrolling through good memories of the two of us....that is, if my life were a movie. Here's what you need:
Can I Stay
Trouble
Be Here Now
Hold You In My Arms
Hannah

8. JON FOREMAN
Newly discovered best artist ever, thanks and all credit to Kelsea Leacox. Jon Foreman stands as a musical genius in my book and I love him so much I can hardly stand it. Literally cannot get enough of this guy, and he shares my appreciation and awe for the God of the Bible. We looked up the verses in the bible that some of his songs are based off of and he just really hit the nail on the head here. PLEASE listen:
House of God Forever
Your Love is Strong
In My Arms
Southbound Train
My Love Goes Free

9. JOSHUA RADIN
Beautiful voice. Absolutely beautiful and smooth and perfect. You should go on a night drive by yourself with the windows down and turn on some Joshua Radin. Make SURE the windows are down, and if its cold put on a scarf and hat, bundle up and let the crisp winter air bite your cheeks. Listen to "Star Mile" first, and then all of these:
Closer
Winter
No Envy No Fear
"They Bring me to You" is something that I am hoping I can say (because I cant sing) to my husband one day...ah its so sweet.

10. COLDPLAY
The most classic of cold weather bands. Get the CD titled "Parachutes" first, and then get every single other album. Get a group of friends together, bake something and make apple cider. Wear cute scarfs and exchange Christmas ornaments or something....whatever you do, put Coldplay on the stereo. I am not even going to list songs because you need to have them all. This is a no exception cold weather band.

You are welcome for your newest December playlist. Bundle up, and enjoy!

Extracted Ramblings

I am not sure how to get words onto paper. My thoughts are not comprehendible and the thought of picking one from the canvas of my heart and mind seems about as daunting as picking out the banana from a strawberry pineapple banana smoothie like the ones we had so often in Costa Rica. So as I extract random thoughts from the blender of a brain that I have, please forgive the randomness. And welcome once again to my chaotic anarchy.

Since being back in the States, I look at things differently. I look at relationships differently. I look at my money and what I spend it on differently. I look at my struggles differently. In retrospect, I don’t think any of these things are different but on the contrary…I am different. I am the thing that has changed. I came back to everything and everyone being as they were before I left. And yet here I am in many circumstances that look NOTHING like they did 6 months ago.

I am the most un-motivated person ever right now. No thanks to the holiday based on eating your life away. Feeling a little too blimp-like.

I really cant get this truth in my mind: “We are saved by grace ALONE. Through faith ALONE. And the faith to believe in that grace is given to us by God so that NOBODY has ANYTHING to boast about except for GOD. It means that salvation belongs to God and that you by your behavior cannot save yourself. You doing these things and not doing these things does not magically give you right-standing before God. If you will stand holy before God, it will require an act of God and praise His name on the cross, He did it. It is by Christ’s merit alone that we can stand holy before God. We ONLY have the blood of Christ to plead before God. This absolutely frees you up to pursue God whole heartedly.” My actions do not display a real deep deep belief in this truth that I do not have to earn my right standing before God.

I am so accustomed to performance based faith that it is so hard for me to understand unconditional love. This gets reflected all too often in my personal life. I am trying very hard to love like Christ loves. But the prayer that God would show me how to love like He loves is a hard prayer to pray. Especially when you know first hand what it feels like to LOVE your heart out and get nothing in return. Its gut wrenching. And yet this is how God loves me. It is my PRIVELEDGE to love others the same way.

Its still baffling to me that the God of the Universe is in relentless pursuit of me regardless of my response. That frustrates me. And at the same time it brings me to my knees in absolute awe and worship of a God who possesses and gives perfect love. I cannot fathom this kind of love, especially in a world that makes love always seem so conditional.

I physically FEEL bad when I do not spend an adequate amount of time with the Lord on a daily basis. I am dry and empty and irritable and antsy. I need God all day every day and I need TIME with Him just us two. Shocking that I am just now coming to this conclusion. A tiny glimpse at the idiocy of my heart.

Seeing that the above paragraph has not been fulfilled this week, I am really pessimistic. God save me from myself.

I am blown away with thankfulness for the people that God has placed in my life. My family consists of 7 of my favorite people in the world. But we are messed up. Oh we are such a beautiful disaster, a team made up of tragically broken people. I kid you not, we are a bunch of wack jobs. We have stints with major sins running through the veins of each of us, but together we are GOOD. Brittney Carson, my mom, and I sat on her bed last night and talked about life and God for hours last night. We came to the conclusion that life is hard and God is good. Regardless of circumstance and even when life does not make any sense. And as I sat around a dining table laughing and talking with these 7 broken people who LOVE our God I was overwhelmed with gratefulness to the God who divinely designed and placed each of us here.

On top of the magnificent seven, I have friends that love me with the love of Christ. I do not have a huge quantity of friends but my core group are QUALITY. It matters. Sarah Nash, my newfound YWAM friend from Australia encourages me like God encourages me. She LISTENS to me and asks questions. She seems very interested in everything I say, then validates my emotions, and offers her opinion, even when it differs from what I think. She PUSHES me towards the cross, and the reason I love our friendship so much is that it is a beautiful reflection of what my relationship with God looks like. Three other YWAM girls I could echo this praise. I can tear up at the mercy God has show me and lavished blessings on me through my 6 months in Denver/Panama/Costa Rica. Megan Templin is another prime example of the Lord’s love for me. Our relationship shows me that God is GOOD and that He loves me. I love God more for creating Megan and am beyond blessed that I get to call her my best friend. And of course Becca Feagin shows me that God loves me enough that He cannot leave me where I am. That I need progressive sanctification CONSTANTLY. Becca loves me HARD and loves me in a way that hurts sometimes, but ALWAYS leads me into a deeper appreciation of who God is and how merciful He is. I am seriously tearing up. I sometimes take for granted the wonderful relationships that I get to call my own.

My WICKED heart can sometimes disregard all of the blessings that I am so eternally grateful for just because one relationship is strained. My thoughts so quickly try and dwell on what is wrong, what hurts, and what isn’t easy before it wanders to what is easy. And me being analytical, I will make myself miserable trying to fix whatever problem is haunting me for the hour. I say hour because it can change within sixty minutes. I am so up and down and that makes me feel unstable. I do not like not being in control. Anyways this is my apology to the God who loves me and sends me things and relationships to better me regardless of the occasional pain that they bring me. Taking time to sit and think of all that I am thankful for is something good I have to say for this November holiday.

I want to love God more than I do. But there are parts of my heart that I do not always want to submit to him. I want more God. I long for it.

The fact that I am not consumed with idolatry in the form of co-dependency is BIZARRE. I don’t know how to explain it. I cried MULTIPLE times throughout outreach because of my heart acknowledging its freedom from the sin that owned me for so very long. There is no explanation of how I got to a point of freedom outside of the GRACE and MERCY of God. I didn’t know what it felt like to be free. And here I am walking in some degree of freedom. Oh our God is so good, so massively powerful, so gloriously triumphant over sin! Sin has no power over us anymore. Hallelujah.

I am tired. My last thought of the night concludes with exhaustion. Sorry for the maze through my head. Honesty though, is another thing that I have become very acquainted with lately. So honestly….Im not THAT sorry. And honestly God is the reason I can be thankful for anything. God has provided. God has given and taken away, praise be the name of the Lord. I am thankful for HIS grace, HIS mercy, HIS love. And a lot of times in my life those things have manifested in family, friendships, food, music, and sunshine. So thankful tonight.

Happy Turkey Day