**FIRST AND FOREMOST. I would like to publicly and formally apologize to Lindsay Behnke for discrediting her fantastic sense of humor. In last week’s post, I gave credit to Lee Michael for the “ole tape pants” joke. Lee did not come up with this. He’s an idiot. Lindsay Behnke did come up with it, straight from her intrinsic fountain of funny. Lindsay Behnke is REALLY funny, y’all. Let’s not ever forget that again. So once again: I, Allyson Brook Rice, am tremendously sorry for giving false information. I salute you, Behnks / ole beer jacket / ole glitter pockets / ole dinner ruiner, for your epic jokes.
Okay. Here are the latest and greatest stories from my life as a wack job.
1. “When Cats Attack”
I have a friend, who shall not be named, who hates cats. Almost as much as I hate cats. And let’s be honest, everyone knows how much I hate cats. (AHEM, SARAH) Anyways, unmentioned friend got attacked by a cat recently (This should come to the shock of absolutely no one anywhere, because that’s what cats do, by nature, they attack. Because they are minions of Satan.) and in his/her own words this is the description of his/her reaction: “It (the cat) latched onto me and scratched me so I punched it as hard as I could. Twice. I seriously think I gave it internal bleeding. And then it ran away so I chased it, I ran after it, and then punched it again. If cats could bruise, it would be bruised.” Both walked away alive but injured. One with scratches, and one with internal bleeding. If it was me, I would have punted it, just to make sure it knew who was boss.
2. “THIS Coming From the Guy who Ordered a Salmon Crepe”
Lee ordered a Salmon crepe this weekend. I’m just going to put that out there. SALMON. This it not a joke. Upon reading the menu, that’s what sounded good to him. Salmon. Crepe. The answer to ‘WHY?’ Is beyond me. Anyways, while discussing the shrine that we are going to put up in his honor at our home, he commented on how bad his crepe was. Which shouldn’t surprise anyone because I mean it was salmon wrapped in a really thin pancake. Disgusting. Anyways…upon realizing that he was still eating it, I said “is it really that bad?” and his response was: “Nah, it tastes OK.……for shit.” Haha, Lee (balls) strikes again! (high five) NAILED IT!
3. Ally Takes a Tumble
So, I met this guy who was a legit snowboarder. Better than me by at least 6 levels. On our last run of the day Sunday, in an attempt to look cool while he was watching, I bombed down a black diamond only to catch an edge and tumble down the mountain, dislocated my shoulder, and ended up sliding to the bottom head first. Which was kind of the opposite of what I was going for. I found myself in the fetal position and crying like a baby. That’s low point #1. Street cred: not established. I snowboarded down the rest of the mountain (still crying) straight to the medic. A few bouts with nausea and at least 2 dizzy spells later, I was in a sling and drugged up with ibuprofen and on my way to the hospital. Not before low point #2, where Behnks had to undress me out of my ski clothes, and redress me in regular clothes. Any tips on recovery from that? GOD LOVE HER. The hospital took forever and I was starving, and all I could think about was the amount of money that I was going to be spending on the visit. Needless to say it was not enjoyable. The one redeemable part was when we found the “faces pain scale” in the procedure room. See here:
Anyways, a few vicodin and an x-ray later, we were back out on the open road listening to music and laughing at Lee spilling his Pop Rocks all over his lap. It’s really great to have friends that take care of you even when you force them to play angry birds for 2 hours in the waiting area of the emergency room. Friends that will sneak in granola bars when you are about to rage blackout from hunger while wearing a backless gown in an exam room. Friends who will take you to the hospital, and then take you to get Mexican food afterwards because you feel as if you are entitled to it. Friends that will laugh with you and pray with you and live life to the full alongside you. Lee, Lindsay, (Karla)…I am so thankful for you. Thanks for taking care of me as I dealt with the consequences of my idiocy.
In other news, this commercial for Ford just took all of my deepest dreams and hopes in life and arranged them into a 30 second montage. Let’s not pretend the music (Jonsi) isn’t 40% of the brilliance. Had I not just invested in a Honda, and recently cost myself thousands of dollars at the ER, I would probably go out and buy an Explorer. I honestly can’t think of anything that has ruined my life this much since discovering the Rockstar Diaries.
Click here: FORD EXPLORER
Superbowl Sunday in T-minus 5 days. Already been seeking out the best fatvertisements for the unhealthiest bar food to consume during the game, while doing chest (side) bumps with friends and toasting to nobody caring who wins.
Coming to you, live, in a sling...I wish it was Saturday night.
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