Attention, Ally

It has come to my attention that I need to leave the U.S. again in the near future.

It’s come to my attention about a million times before and once again recently that I dress terribly. And when I say terribly, I mean that I have seen homeless people dressed better. ‘Nothing against homeless people’ (SHOUT OUT KATHAR). But seriously even the guy rolling his electric scooter down the one-way street the wrong way at lunch the other day at least had on a suit. Bethany wears cute clothes every day and everywhere we go, and I like to rock the sweat pants like a celebrity. I am not above it. And I don’t hate it. If I have to get some pajama jeans to satisfy all parties, I will look into it, but I just feel like that would really be hitting a low point. Anyways personality makes up for looks, and dressing like crap is justifiable and dare I say, acceptable as long as you say you’re trying to be funny. So that’s my rationalization.


It has come to my attention that full time jobs aren’t really my thing.


It has come to my attention that Texas is entirely too far from Colorado.


It has come to my attention within the last week that sometimes I have an accurate view in my head of who God says he is in the bible, and sometimes I am drastically, unbelievably off.

On one side, my family enters crisis lockdown mode AGAIN because for some reason bad things are drawn to us, and I praise the Lord in hardship and know that He is good and loves us. I know that He will sustain, provide, and I declare that he is worthy to be praised amidst devastation.

But on the other side, like a true schizophrenic, I turn around and freak out when I feel threatened with losing something important to me. I immediately resort to the fact that God is trying to take away any and all good things from me, and enter into a frenzy, where I put on eye black and blare “eye of the tiger,” and death grip anything that is good around me that I can reach. This includes people. I am one sad pathetic LOSER!* (more thoughts on this later). In the midst of panic mode, I read this in a blog and got really convicted like always.

“Luke 11:11-13. Jesus says:
“Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

I love these verses because they’re just blunt enough to break through my callused heart. Jesus uses such crazy examples! He doesn’t say, “Which of you fathers if your son asks for an egg, will give him a piece of bread?” He says, “If he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?”

I think he uses two such wildly different things, an egg and a scorpion, because he knows we’ll be tempted to create a jerk god in our head. A god who would give us the worst thing possible. A god who’d give a scorpion instead of an egg.”

Anyways so I have to constantly keep the God in my head in check with the God of the bible and make sure they are lining up. Because the God who is a jerk and wants me to be miserable and has a big suitcase of scorpions with my name on it…THAT God, is not God. God loves goodness. God loves mercy, not sacrifice. God loves gift giving. God loves the sick. God loves the mess-ups. And can I get a hallelujah for that?


It has come to my attention that Beef's bachelorette party is one and a half months away. YA YA YA YA YA.


It has come to my attention that Sydney Shrum could be my personality twin.


It has come to my attention that it has been far too long since I have breathed Texas air. In all its 187 degree glory.


It has come to my attention that those immediately around me at most times are not well educated on good movies, and do not appreciate them (or the humor of using movie quotes in everyday life) enough (in my opinion). For example, the other night I casually inserted a PERFECT movie quote from Dumb and Dumber and went ahead and started my own giggle, but did I receive knee-slapping laugher and high fives from the crowd? No. Instead, I received blank stares and a continuation of the previous conversation as if I had not just dropped the most amazing bomb of awesomeness right there in mid-convo. I was baffled. I needed a pause button. I was flabbergasted. I wanted to look around and say “did you guys not hear me? Because I just said something really funny and you did not laugh….” I was at a level 10 of confusion and frustration.

As a side note: If I do something which I deem humorous and have to follow up said action with the phrase…”okay, I realize that you thought it was funny, but I need you to think it was MORE funny. And publically display this emotion with laughter.” Then it’s likely we will not be best friends. And you shouldn’t even introduce yourself to Sydney Shrum because you will automatically be out with her too.

I will be willing to negotiate if you do not know good movies, the negotiation being that you will watch a list of movies that I will create for you, so that we will therefore not run into this problem again. I will not be willing to negotiate if you just don’t appreciate good humor. I get very nervous, awkward, and quiet when people don’t know what it means to laugh.


It has come to my attention that country music is no longer the bane of my existence but actually enjoyable. Especially Kenny Chesney’s “Summertime”.


It has come to my attention that I want a dog. And not just want, NEED. I need a dog. However there will be specifications that this dog must meet which will include but are not limited to the following: He must be either a English mastiff named Moose (preferably), a Labrador retriever, or an Alaskan Husky/Malamute. He must wrestle me on a daily basis and not pee on the carpet. He must be okay with me using him as a pillow. He must not smell, or make my house smell like him. He must love the outdoors and be athletic. He must like me better than any/all roommates and sleep with me every night. He must not eat any of my things. He must be big and drooly and awesome. He must be okay with living in Colorado and needs to love traveling. If anyone knows where I can get a dog for free with all of these qualifications, please let me know ASAP.

Let Freedom Ring

Today I have something important to write about and that is this great country that I call home…the U S of A.

There are few things that I tend to be prideful about, and one of such things as AMURICAH. As a disclaimer and prerequisite to this blog, you should know that most of the things I say jokingly (kind of).

This 4th of July marks ‘Muricah’s 235th birthday as we celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence when Thomas, John, and the rest of the Declaration gang forever changed the world. Trying to picture the party that took place afterwards seems almost impossible, but I bet there was some serious smack talk going on using phrases like “suck it monkeys!” and boasting about how we are the best country in the world….to which I would say, not much has changed.

I mean, “American Exceptionalism” is an actual term in the dictionary.

What other country do you know of that celebrates celebrities and athletes like we do? What other country has songs about putting a boot in your ass? What other country can you live in that parties for sweet freedom with beer and fireworks and the glorious combination of the colors red, white, and blue? What other country can republicans and those crazy left wing yellow dog democrats come together and sing “God bless the USA” for one day per year?? A place where Coloradoans, Texans, New Yorkers, and Floridians can all get together behind one similar interest??

DARE I SAY, there is NONE!

As we fly flags this weekend and watch fireworks at Mile High Stadium and play with sparklers and have bottle rocket wars and wish we were on a boat, let’s remember how blessed we are to live in the best country in the world. Let’s celebrate the fact that:

Americans get to worship and talk about God freely and openly.

Americans get to freedom of speech.

Americans get rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Americans get to carry guns. WHOOP.

Americans get fair trials.

Americans get to vote.

Americans get to whoop and holler and ignore the fact that we are in financial crisis and party anyways!

Americans get to smell and taste sweet democracy, where we see a peaceful transition of power every four years.

So today, lets declare freedom with our Founding Fathers and give a toast to the red white and blue, because despite its (many) flaws, it’s still the best country on God’s green earth.

This is America damnit, INDEPENDENCE FOREVER! Lets party like its 1776.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”